spoken word poetry

loving you is both the easiest and scariest thing I will ever do.

it is easy because it is you.

with your warm brown eyes and childish smile,

holding me while I shake with anxiety,

holding me as you fall asleep,

holding me just to hold me.

you are a burst of energy for my early bedtime,

you always see the best in everyone,

and your smile is as bright as the morning sun.

but easy doesn’t always mean safe.

loving you is my heart race on a sleeve that is 10 feet from my body.

loving you is reminding myself to breathe everytime you take my breath away.

loving you is trying to be okay saying what’s on my mind even tho I am so used to grinding my teeth

loving you is revealing what’s underneath,

realizing I have never loved this much.

loving you is scary.

but it is so good.

you were worth whatever pain I knew love to have.

and I had lots of it stored under my chest and inside my brain.

I had been hurt again and again.

I should be afraid

but you make me feel safe.

you have these big brown eyes that remind me of all the chocolate you eat.

and i’m convinced all this sugar is making you sweeter,

because I know if I need you there’s not a moment you won’t be there.

you are my lazy mornings, my afternoon naps, my midnight chats.

you are my sue chef, my travel buddy, my study partner.

you are my favorite adventure.

you are impossible to say goodnight to.

you are full of tight hugs I never want to leave.

you are a blanket for my anxiety.

and I don’t know how I got so lucky

and I don’t know how someone can make me so happy.

but you are the perfect combination of everything I need.

To see me as a yellow garden.

To reach for my hand on public transportation,

The most unromantic location,

Just to let me know you are here.

To tell me I am beautiful when I decide makeup is too much work.

You are the first person in a long time that doesn’t make me cripple in nervousness.

And that doesn’t mean I like you any less,

It doesn’t mean I’m suppressing the natural anxiety inside of me,

It means you are good at making me happy.

I never have to worry about your thoughts,

Because you’re pretty easy to read,

And you tell me every time you’re thinking about me.

You make me feel like I’m fourteen,

Only this time around I’m not afraid to send 10 texts in a row and be a little cocky.

We’re stealing kisses behind doors as soon as our friends leave,

And we’re racing down floors of the metro,

Pushing each other to the finish line as an excuse to be close.

And what gets me the most,

Is that I didn’t want to like you.

I didn’t know how to risk my feelings again when I was still healing.

I didn’t know if I could date again without my insides shaking.

But then you made me laugh like a child,

You let me be as a wild as I needed,

Yet held out your hand for security.

And I forgot my heart had been breaking;

Because it is so difficult to think of anything other than you.

—I think you’re a yellow garden too

—someone else makes me happy now

I don’t think it’s working.

but tell me why no one ever stays.

—I wish I was captivating for more than a first impression

—can everyone else stop asking me if i’m okay

it wasn’t until recently

I realized my crown might be hurting me.

therapy taught me something.

if I keep living a life for the people around me, then I am just reaching their goals.

but I was put on this planet to be my own

and I need to pave my own roads.

—even though tailgating is so much easier

she was with you, and I got so mad.

but wasn’t I doing the same thing?

—riding shotgun in boys’ cars to fill some sort of void.

—maybe I’m healing