killteeth

House MD was crazy for having their mc be an autistic bisexual depressed disabled drug addict who canonically self harms and experienced abuse AND was in a doomed codependent toxic yaoiship with his repressed homosexual bestie

I feel like if Hanahaki disease was real in the House MD universe there’d be a whole episode about them treating a patient with it and they like lie or some shit about not telling so and so about their love or like the person they love is dead or something and so they try to cure them another way and the whole time House is like being a dick as always and making fun of them for it and like haha you won’t tell them you love them loser and then at the end of the episode the person the patient loves comes in at the last minute when the patient is on the brink of death and they confess and so the patient lives and gets a happy ending but then Wilson talks to House and says something like “the lengths people would go to to avoid rejection” and House would respond like “yeah these idiots would risk their lives just to not get their stupid feelings hurt” and then Wilson leaves and literally right after he’s gone House coughs up a few petals and barely reacts and just throws them into the trash or a fireplace or something and walks out into the hallway and the episode ends and it’s literally never brought up again

How come House never got into a little submarine and fought the virus from inside the body? They say he's a good doctor?

The only way a bisexual house episode would happen is house makes a weirdly specific and knowledgeable joke about gay sex and Wilson asks if that’s true/how he knows that and house goes “from fucking men”. Wilson’s initial reaction is a bit weird so he spends the rest of the episode trying to show how good of an ally he is by trying to support house’s bisexuality by “checking out” men with house like he would with women but it’s just weird. House wants to see how far Wilson will go with his allyship and it gets to the point where house brings Wilson to a gay strip club, where Wilson is extremely uncomfortable. They get back to house’s place and house finally tells Wilson he’s just fucking with him, Wilson doesn’t need to do all that weird shit, just treat him like he normally does. Wilson actually takes it to heart and asks what kind of men house is into and house answers by describing Wilson exactly. Wilson low key freaks but then he realizes house is fucking with him and he’s like “oh you’re messing with me” and house is like “fucking obviously. I like twinks with big butts, why do you think I hired Chase?” Wilson turns to his drink on the table and laughs, camera shows house looking lovingly at Wilson, end of episode

if house md were running in 2024 there would be an episode with a patient who identifies as an ‘online content creator’ (cagily) where house agrees to take the case primarily because when he offhandedly refers to her as an onlyfans model both cameron and cuddy get really offended and say it’s a sexist assumption so he doubles down and becomes committed to finding the patient’s onlyfans and proving it. at some point it would be revealed that chase actually is an onlyfans model and started doing it as a stopgap after his dad died and he suddenly got disinherited but he makes so much money off it that now medicine is basically just a hobby. cameron and foreman both disagree with the concept online sex work but it turns out they disagree for different reasons (cameron thinks it’s exploitative and not-feminist, foreman finds it distasteful and thinks people should get ‘real jobs’) and spend most of their scenes together arguing about this while chase gets continually more shifty. they break into the patient’s house and there’s a full ringlight and camera setup which seems to confirm house’s suspicions. while trying to find the patient’s onlyfans house accidentally finds chase’s onlyfans instead and considers publicly embarrassing him about it like he did with wilson’s sex tape but soon realises that most of the staff at the hospital are already subscribed to chase’s onlyfans so makes fun of him for that instead. it then transpires that the reason why the patient is so cagey about being a content creator is that she’s an ASMR artist and all the soap she’s been shaving on camera has irritated her lungs. cuddy is about to make house give her 20 extra hours of clinic duty as recompense but at last minute it’s revealed that the website the patient uses for some of her bonus commissions is, drumroll…onlyfans, because she’s been banned from patreon. how does house know this? wilson is subscribed to her because the soap videos sometimes soothe him to sleep. something by cigarettes after sex plays. roll end credits.