my mom said i can't go sorry

how to fall asleep quickly in a way that doesnt involve drugs or blunt trauma

laying next to someone who you love

Why do witches like always wanna fatten kids up before they eat them?? fat is like the grossest part of meat

“Why hello there, little children~. Please follow me to my magical… FITNESS ROOM. NO P A N S I E S ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT. LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT’S LEG DAY AND WE’RE ABOUT TO GET R-R-R-RIPPE D.”

Because they’re always cooking said kids in cauldrons and ovens - aka long cooking times at lowish heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets tear-it-apart-with-a-fork soft. If you do it to lean meat, you get tiny little sad meat bits that bring no joy to anyone.

well you did ask

Also there’s wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless, carb-rich diet makes for more tender and flavourful meat.

you are arguing over the semantics of EATING CHILDREN

Well yeah, you gotta get this shit right or it’s a waste of 40-80 lbs of meat.

plus if you feed them a high fat, low nutrition diet, they’re easier to subdue and less likely to run away, which would be a concern for an elderly crone.

Thank you, Old Witch With Candy House side of tumblr.

What does this say I blacked out and smashed reblog

hawaiian shirt + dark bags under eyes is a good look… it says yeah i would really love to be carefree and relaxed right now but certain circumstances have made that impossible

This frogs been croaking for hours… no ones coming to fuck you beloved

damn bitch, you live like this?

damn bitch, you love like this?

damn bitch, you laugh like this?

it’s not a genuine ugly christmas sweater unless some old church lady once bought or made it thinking it was a beautiful christmas sweater. mass-produced ugly christmas sweaters? they have no power. they are weak. it is the wholesome love of the old granny sunday school teachers who originally wore the Ugly Christmas Sweater that imbues it with its Christmas Cheer… keep this in mind, friends, don’t be swindled by False Prophets.

“My dearest beloved fuckos” is a fun, gender-neutral way to begin a speech.

See also: “Esteemed bastards”

“Gentlefolk, Ferals, and Domesticated Cryptids”

“My fellow yees and haws…”

*moves to France and becomes a cheerleader* “Where are my apple apples?”

only french wil get