she thought she knew ... what pain was. given she'd been beaten within an inch of her life, to the point she truly thought she'd never wake again. but it was nothing in comparison, to being surrounded by the man you loved, and knowing he was no longer yours. she had lost him, when she'd chosen not to trust him. when she'd chosen to let fear over losing everything, to dictate her very choices. having her run all because she was scared. scared of what life would be without all she'd built. of the life she'd fought to build when she walked away from her familial name. but in her fear, she'd forgotten that a part of the life she had built was with him. her future with him. but she threw it all away. and it was almost ironic really, she'd been so scared of her brother taking her life, and everything in it. but she was the one who burned it to ash. and now spending time with him, even if she tried to avoid it. was lashing deep in her heart. leaving her bleeding and suffocating under the pain of her own mistakes. his anger and hatred that simmered in his eyes was welcomed as she deserved it. but even she needed a moment to breathe, to recover. and why she'd snuck away from the guards, had found herself in that bar with the intention of getting drunk. nothing more. she just wanted to lose herself in the bliss of alcohol, and well that had taken a turn. [ the tension burning so brightly she honestly thought the room around them would catch fire. ]
❛ yeah were ... ❜ she whispers: unable to truly come up with an argument against what he said. everyone knew they were more, she had known they were more and were once close to moving from simply dating, to forming a stronger future, one that had her with his name, his ring and their future laid out before them. dreams they'd discussed in the dark of night when it was just them. but she'd fucked it all, she'd burned it to ruins and now, had to shoulder the weight of her fuck up. the fire in her eyes, burns even as pain lashes against her very soul. pain she deserves to carry, and as she looked at him now. so guarded, so angry as he deserved to be. she wasn't so sure anymore if she wanted to continue pushing his buttons. to dig and dig till she got proof that he was indeed jealous. and hence why he'd dragged her out of there. but at the same time, getting that confirmation that he was jealous. felt like a knife twisting itself into her heart, adding to the lashings it had only gone through since she'd ran from the hospital. because fuck, she didn't deserve any of it. she didn't deserve anything from him anymore, just his anger. and why she shouldered it with silence, with avoidance. as it was her penance. ❛ protecting me ?? ❜ she utters, disbelief clouding her tone as she looks at him. emotions flickering across her face at breakneck speed as she works to make sense of his words. all of it open to his interpretation, now she'd lowered the walls she hid behind since they'd crashed back into each other's lives. ❛ protecting me ?? yet all i did was choose to escape your men so i can get drunk, and have a moment to myself whilst some random guy chats shit in my ear. telling me a name i didn't even listen too and was more focused on figuring out how i can get him to buy my every drink so i didn't have to !! ❜ she realises almost instantly as the last syllable falls off her tongue, that her words do nothing to confirm or deny that she might have fucked the guy. and she quickly wonders if she wants too. if she wants to address it, to silence it as nothing more than it was. or let the jealousy she clearly sees stew within him. allowing her some silent confirmation that she had at least a part of him still. [ though if shes honest with herself, that scares her too. the weight of him still caring for her in some way, enough to crush her even further beneath her guilt at destroying them. ] ❛ you know ... ❜ she starts, emotions, as well as the alcohol stealing her tongue for a moment. ❛ you know what i look like when i want to get laid. is that what you saw ??. because from where i was standing, all i saw was someone trying to drown out the memories and ghosts of what she walked away from. of drowning in disgust as i'm touched, given the last person who touched me, who fucked me, is stood before me yet so far out of reach. and hates me as much as he deserves too !! ❜ her head shakes as she turns, putting space between them once more. as the weight of everything settles between them. fuck she was not drunk enough for this.