Nox

The sky began to turn bright orange, like a raging wildfire. The water of the quarry reflected the warm glow of the sun rise. Together, you and Lori used to watch every sunrise and sunset. To you there was nothing more beautiful than watching the world bleed from morning to night and vise versa. Now, you feel nothing but the horrible ache of emptiness as you watched the sky change.

“I thought being on watch was my duty this morning.”

You jumped and looked back to see Dale coming up on top of the RV, “Oh sorry…I just wanted a good spot.”

He gave you gentle smile as he pulled the chair over to sit next to you, “How are you feeling?”

You shrugged, that wasn't a can of worms you verbally wanted to open. After hours of crying everything out there wasn't much left to feel. You felt like the useless paper cone left behind after the bright pink cloud of spun sugar had been eaten away. The whole situation just felt like a horrible nightmare, you almost expected to wake up at home with the world normal again.

“How was the run?”

Dale’s question caught you off guard. You really had no answer. In the beginning it ran just like normal, then that crazy man showed up and started fucking things up. After you realized it was Rick it was all just a blur. You could barely remember how you all got back. All you could remember was the pain, the realization that the new world you built for yourself was coming down around you. Maybe you were being a bit dramatic but after the world crumbled Carl and Lori became the driving force behind your fight to stay alive. Now they had Rick again and there was no place for you.

“It was scary I guess.”

“Glenn said you were like a ghost out there.”

You snorted, “I was distracted yesterday that's all.”

“That's understandable,” he left it at that for a moment and you thought he was done talking. “Lori wants to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Why wouldn't she? You're obviously hurting,” he gave you a soft smile but you looked away.

Everyone in camp knew about your relationship with Lori. Then suddenly her husband, who everyone thought was dead, came riding into the camp as the hero who rescued you all. You heard the whispers in their tents. If the situation wasn't already bad enough, hearing everyone gossip about it was even worse.

“I need to get started on chores,” you tried to get up but he put his hand on your shoulder.

“Wait, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been pushing. Listen, you do more than enough for this camp, we can handle it without you.”

“What do you mean?”

He noticed the panicked look on your face, “I mean you can take a break today, the others can handle the chores. Take some time for yourself.”

“I'm…going to go for a walk then.”

It felt like the words weren't even coming out of your mouth. Your brain was overloaded, twisting Dale's words into secret hatred, it was a bad habit of yours. You needed to get away and clear you head before you could convince yourself that everyone wanted to throw you out of the camp.

“If anyone asks I'll let them know you're on a walk. Yell if you need any help,” Dale patted your shoulder.

“Thanks.”

You felt robotic as you climbed down the ladder and made your way to the woods. All you could hear in your head was your father screaming to you about how useless you were. You stumbled your way through the woods, nearly tripping over every tree root in front of you.

When it felt like you couldn't breathe anymore you stopped to rest against a tree. It was unclear how deep you had gotten by the time you stopped. You looked around as you forced yourself to take a deep breath. Nothing around you looked familiar and you couldn't see camp from where you stood. There wasn't even the sound of birds.

A shrill scream rang through the trees.

“Mom! Dad! Y/N!”

Your feet took off before you even registered that it was Carl yelling for you. As the kids screams grew louder, you ran harder. It felt like your heart was beating out you chest as you raced towards them. Your only hope was that they were okay and you could get to them in time.

“Carl,” you yelled as you broke through the dense trees and the two kids spotted you. “Are you hurt? Either of you.”

“No but it's back there,” Sophia cried as she pointed behind them.

“Go find your parents, now!”

You pulled your knife from your belt and waited until the kids started running towards the camp before you began making your way towards the direction they pointed. As you rounded the trees you spotted the head of a deer. It was obviously dead and just as the kids had said, there was a geek eating at it's entrails.

He growled, realizing you were behind him but before he could move you jumped forward and slammed your knife into the base of his skull. His body went limp against the deer as you pulled your knife from his head.

As you were wiping the blade against your thigh you heard a stampede of footsteps coming your way. Rick burst through the trees with wielding what looked like a crowbar. He startled you and you backed up to get away from his weapon but the leg of the deer caught your foot. You grunted as you fell against the geek's body, nearly stabbing yourself in the process.

“IT’S DEAD! IT’S DEAD,” you screamed as loud as you could so Rick wouldn't swipe at you.

You were terrified he'd mistake you for the walker and accidentally kill you. Or maybe purposefully if he knew you had been with his wife. It didn't help that Shane had a shotgun pointed in your face.

“Sorry,” he held his hands up and backed off quickly. Even pushing the muzzle of Shane's gun down for you.

A relieved sigh escaped your mouth and your body went limp. The others behind him relaxed and lowered their weapons as well. He dropped his weapon on the ground and held his hand out to you. You gave him a stunned look before hesitantly taking his hand. Rick didn't even give you a second to get ready before he pulled you onto your feet.

The momentum brought you crashing into his chest. He grunted and grabbed your body to steady the two of you. Before you could push yourself off him, twigs and leaves snapped in the distance and he quickly shoved you behind his back. He grabbed his weapon as Daryl stepped out from the trees.

“Son of a bitch! That's my deer,” Daryl snapped as he spotted it.

While everyone was distracted by Daryl's cussing you slipped off from the group and made you way back to the camp. You wanted to sit on the RV but Lori and the other ladies were all camped outside of it. Lori tried to grab your attention as you passed by but you kept walking as if you couldn't see her.

You didn't want to avoid her but this was not a good time for you to talk to her. Simply thinking about talking to her made you feel like you were floating. Instead you decided to sit near one of the fire pits and wait for the show to start.

“Merle,” Daryl called and you sat up a bit so you could watch. “Merle! Get your ugly ass out here! I got some squirrels! Let's stew em up.”

As he dropped his stuff the others caught up to him and Shane sat his gun down.

“Daryl, slow up a bit I need to talk to you.”

“’Bout what?”

It was about to get good and you hoped Daryl hit Shane. He deserved one good punch but you knew you didn't have the courage to be the one to do it. Daryl on the other hand was a hothead and didn't mind using his fists. You hoped to vicariously live through him.

“About Merle,” Shane responded as he walked in front of Daryl. “There was a- There was a problem in Atlanta.”

Shane didn't continue and Daryl looked around in confusion. You rolled your eyes, thinking Shane needed to get on with it.

“He dead?”

Shane shook his head, “We’re not sure.”

Daryl's face hardened, “He either is or he ain't.”

“Look there's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it,” Rick jumped in, making you heart jump in your chest.

“Who are you?”

“Rick Grimes.”

“Rick Grimes,” Daryl said. “You got something you want to tell me?”

“Your brother was a danger to us all. So I handcuffed him on a roof, hooked him to a piece of metal. He's still here.”

Oh good heavens that accent had you practically melting in your seat. Lori sure as hell knew how to pick them. Why did the Grimes couple have to be so damn attractive? Every word that came from his mouth felt like it was burning through what little restraint you had to keep yourself from crawling to them and begging for something— anything.

“Hold on, let me process this,” Daryl began. “You're saying you cuffed my brother to a roof, AND YOU LEFT HIM THERE!?”

“Yeah.”

You couldn't help but snort at the way Rick responded. Daryl shot you a hate-filled look before turning back to Rick. He placed for a bit before throwing his squirrels at Rick and going for him. You jumped from your seat as Shane tackled Daryl. He pulled his knife and you rushed forward. Before you could get more than two steps Shane had him in a headlock and Rick was kicking away the knife.

“You best let me go,” Daryl tried to struggle against Shane.

As Shane held Daryl down, Rick was watching you. Your brain short circuited as you tried to play it off and keep walking but you really just scuffled your feet in different directions. It was bad enough you had been messing around with Lori, you really didn't need to be digging yourself another hole with Rick. Glenn gave you a hesitant wave over and you gladly jogged to stand next to him.

“I would like to have a calm discussion on this topic. Do you think we can manage that?”

When Daryl didn't respond he leaned closer and asked again. You shivered as his words rang in your ears. Glenn gave you a concerned look and you silently shook your head as you tried to rub away the goosebumps that had risen on your arms. You didn't even understand what happened.

Shane let Daryl go and he wheezed as he tried to scoot away. You felt bad for him. It couldn't be easy to learn that your sibling was left for dead on a roof in a geek infested city.

“What I did was not on a whim. Your brother does not work and play well with others,” Rick explained.

“Merle doesn't do anything well with others,” Glenn muttered.

“Unless it's drugs,” you grumbled remembering the time Merle once offered you some of his blow. He had been so high he couldn't even remember your name. It was probably why he even offered any to you.

“I think that was just for you,” Glenn whispered back.

Before you could ask him what he meant T-Dog spoke up.

“It's not Rick’s fault. I had the key. I dropped it.”

“You couldn't pick it up?”

“I dropped it in a drain.”

“Damn, karma is a bitch,” you quipped, thinking nobody would be able to hear you.

Daryl's head snapped towards you, “You better shut yur fu-”

“Look,” T-Dog started, grabbing Daryl's attention again. “I chained the door to the roof, so the geeks couldn't get at him. With a padlock.”

“Its gotta count for something.”

Daryl sniffled quietly, “To hell with all y'all! Just tell me where he is so’s I can go get him.”

“He'll show you,” Lori spoke up, making your stomach flip. “Isn't that right.”

Rick looked around for a moment before he sighed and rested his hands on his hips, “I’m going back.”

Lori had a disappointed look her face as she climbed into the RV. It was understandable that she didn't want him going back. Hell, if you were in her position, you wouldn't want him to either. But you weren't in her position and you needed to stop worrying about Lori.

Everyone else seemed to follow her lead and began to disperse. Rick sighed and rubbed his face. His shoulders dropped as if he was carrying the weight of the world on them.

“Could you stare any harder?”

“What are you talking about,” you shot Glenn a confused stare.

“If I didn't know any better I'd say you were interested in Rick too,” he joked.

“Doesn’t everyone always say two is better than one?”

“Oh.”

You sighed and shook you head, “I'm joking. Besides something like that would never happen, even if the world was ending.”

“It is.”

“None of that matters anymore,” you watched as Rick walked back to your former tent. “He's back and Lori is happy again. That's all that matters.”

You pushed yourself off the car you were leaning against and made you way to your own tent. It probably wouldn't be a good idea but you wanted to go back too. To fix your mistake, this time you wouldn't lock up. You checked the magazine and chamber before tucking the gun into the waistband of your pants. And maybe a small part of you didn't want Rick to go back into the city with just Daryl by his side.

The sun was almost blinding as you pushed open the flap of your tent. You squinted as you stepped outside. Everyone was all sitting around the drying racks, talking to each other. You looked around to try and find a none populated area you could sit at until you had the chance to tell Rick you were going too. Just as you were about to move, Lori’s tent began to rustle and Rick emerged from inside, blocking your path.

“Uh- good morning,” you nervously mumbled as you slipped past him as quickly as you could.

Shane stared you down as you scurried past him towards Glenn.

“Everything okay,” Glenn asked once you made it to where he was standing.

You nodded your head quickly, “Everything is perfect.”

“You’re kinda acting like you're afraid of your own shadow.”

“Glenn, please.”

“So could you just- could you throw me a bone here man,” Shane’s words carried throughout the camp as he and Rick walked towards the group. “Could you just tell me why? Why would you risk your life for a douche bag like Merle Dixon?”

“Hey, choose your words more carefully,” Daryl said.

“No I did. Douche bag’s what I meant,” Shane said back. “Merle Dixon— The guy wouldn’t give you a glass of water if you were dying of thirst.”

No, Merle Dixon would either drink said water or pour it out right in front of your face. Then for extra measure he'd probably piss in the cup and give it to you. Shane was right but he sure as hell used the wrong word. Merle Dixon wasn't a douche bag, he was a spawn of Satan himself.

“What he would or wouldn’t do doesn't interest me. I can’t let a man die of thirst—me. Thirst and exposure. We left him out there like an animal caught in a trap,” Rick replied. “That’s no way for anything to die. Let alone a human.”

“So you and Daryl,” Lori asked. “That’s your big plan?”

“No,” you spoke up as you stepped forward. “I’m going back too.”

“No- no, don't do this,” Lori’s voice was strained as she stood up from her spot. “I know you’re upset but please-”

“I’m going back,” your voice was steady and strong, you meant it. “I've been on nearly every single run. It's been me and Glenn since day one.”

“Uh, day two actually,” Glenn commented behind you.

“Fine, since day two,” you turned towards Rick. “I know my way around the city. I know I didn’t leave a good impression the first time but I can help.”

“They’re really good at killing walkers,” Glenn defended you. “And- and I want to come too. We’re good at working together.”

“You don’t have to-”

Glenn shook his head, “I want to.”

“That’s just great, now you're gonna risk four people, huh?”

“Five,” T-dog volunteered.

Daryl huffed, “My day just keeps getting better and better, don't it?”

“You should be grateful there's people here stepping up to save your brother’s cracker ass.”

“Why you,” Daryl shot back. “Why any of you?”

“You wouldn’t even begin to understand. You don’t speak my language.”

“That’s five.”

“It’s not just five,” Shane began. “You’re putting everyone here at risk. You know that, Rick. Come one you saw that walker. It was here. It was in camp. They’re moving out of the cities. They come back, we need every able body we’ve got. We need ‘em here. We need ‘em to protect camp.”

You shifted uncomfortably. Shane had a point, Rick was taking away some of the camps best fighters and leaving behind some of the most vulnerable. As you looked at Lori and Carl you chest began to swirl with guilt. What would you do if they got attacked while you were running around the city?

“It seems to me what you really need most here are more guns,” Rick fired back.

“Right,” Glenn let out a excited gasp. “The guns.”

“Wait. What guns?”

“Six shotguns, two high-powered rifles, over a dozen handguns,” Rick began listing off. “I cleaned out the cage back at the station before I left.”

“Holy shit,” you gasped quietly.

That many guns would mean everybody in camp could be protected. You sighed as you rubbed your face. There really was a need to go back now. Merle Dixon was an excuse but now you couldn’t just stand aside and wait while you could be out there getting guns to protect the camp with.

“I dropped the bag when I got to Atlanta. It’s just sitting there on the street, waiting to be picked up.”

“Ammo?”

“700 rounds, assorted.”

“You went through hell to find us,” Lori started. “You just got here and you're just- you're gonna turn around and leave?”

“Dad, I don't want you to go,” Carl added.

Your heart squeezed at the sound of Carl's words.

“To hell with the guns. Shane is right. Merle Dixon,” Lori questioned. “He's not worth one of your lives even with the guns thrown in. Tell me. Make me understand.”

Rick walked closer to her. Your stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels and you couldn't even hear what he was saying.

“Hey,” Glenn put his hand on your shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I need water,” you gasped out as you shuffled away from the group.

Glenn was right on your tail as you stumbled behind the red Challenger, “Are you sure you're okay? Water is in the opposite direction.”

“I'm fine,” you spat. “I— I'm fine. I'm sorry. Everything's just been a little….”

“Weird?”

You barked out a laugh, “Yeah, weird.”

“They're uh done talking now if you actually want that water.”

“No, I'll be okay,” you cleared your throat as you straighten your back.

“You sure?”

You simply nodded as Rick and Daryl walked by. They were heading towards the cube van that you all had come back in yesterday.

“Come on you two, stop standing around,” Daryl called.

“Let's go.”

You jogged to catch up with them, trying your best to shake everything off. Rick tossed you the keys as you got closer and you shot him a questioning look.

“Back it up closer to the RV.”

“Uh…okay,” you gripped the keys and walked to the driver's side to get in.

Glenn climbed into the passenger seat as you started the van. Daryl banged his hands against the wall to signal for you to move. As you shook your head, you put the van in reverse and did as Rick asked. He and T-Dog were talking to Dale and Jim. You parked the van and waited for them to finish.

“So what are these ‘walkers’,” you made air quotes with your fingers as you asked Glenn.

“It’s what Rick calls geeks,” he explained. “I think it sounds a lot better actually.”

“Oh.”

The van fell silent again as everyone just sat and stared off in the distance. Rick and T-Dog were taking a long time to convince Dale to let them borrow the bolt cutters.

“What made you want to go back,” Glenn suddenly asked.

You shrugged, “I was useless last time, too stuck in my head. This time I can help.”

“Yeah, never do what you did yesterday ever again. I was scared you got bit or something.”

“Alright, I'm sorry. I won't happen again, I promise,” you chuckled.

“You know you can talk to me right, about how you're feeling,” Glenn said hesitantly.

“Thank you but-”

“Move,” Daryl snapped as he put his foot against the steering wheel.

He blasted the horn a few times before backing off and yelling for everyone to go.

“I'm gonna get in the back, you should take my spot,” Glenn said as he pushed the door open.

“Wait, why,” you asked as you slipped out the driver's seat.

“Are you willing to ride up front with me,” Rick stopped you in your tracks before you could round the van to find Glenn.

“Uh- yeah sure,” you responded slowly, unsure of why he wanted you up there.

He nodded his head and turned back to Shane as you walked to the passenger’s side. You tossed Glenn a suspicious look as you climbed into the van. He shrugged and carried on with his conversation with T-Dog. Anxiety grew in your stomach as you waited for Rick to get in as well. It felt like you were sitting in the principal's office, waiting to hear what you did wrong.

Your heart leapt in your throat as the driver’s door opened. Rick gave you a quick smile as he got in and shifted the van in gear. He didn’t say anything as he drove away from the camp. You nervously bit your nails as you two sat in silence.

“My son keeps asking about you. Hell, he even yelled your name when that walker showed up,” he suddenly said, making your heart drop and your stomach turn. When you didn't respond he cleared his throat and gave you an awkward side glance. “Lori…she uh- told me what happened, with you and her.”

“Listen, Rick I'm so sorry. We thought-”

“I was dead, I know,” Rick calmed you. He placed his hand on your shoulder making your entire body explode with shivers. It was almost impossible to stay still under his touch. “I don't blame anyone for what they did. I don't want you to worry about me.”

You laughed nervously, “Me? Worried about you? Never.”

“Oh really? Is that why you ran up to help me when Daryl pulled his knife,” he asked with a sly grin.

“What? I was not running to help you I- I was worried about Shane,” you stumbled through your lie.

“Lori told me you and Shane don't really get along.”

“Geez, how much did she tell you,” you mumbled to yourself.

He shrugged like it was nothing, “Everything.”

“Everything, like everything everything,” you asked nervously.

“She didn't feel the need to keep secrets from me.”

What if she had told him everything you had ever shared with her. All those late night you spent crying in her arms? All the secrets from your childhood not even your therapist knew? Your hopes? Your pathetic dreams? Your fears? Your anxiety began to sink it's claws in, worming it’s way into your thoughts.

“Relax though, she didn't tell me anything serious. She just mentioned uh- your giving nature,” he chuckled a bit as you covered your face in embarrassment.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“So you know there's no bad feelings. I don't want things to be weird, especially since Carl keeps asking why you won't come around. It hasn't even been a whole day.”

“You could have just said that.”

“I just did.”

“You're a sick man,” you groaned into your hands.

“Nah you two are the sick ones,” Daryl popped up behind you two. “None of us want to hear what kind of freak you are in the sheets.”

“Yeah,” Glenn interjected. “Get a ro-”

You shot him a glare so hard he snapped his mouth shut and turned back to face T-Dog, who was simply laughing about it all. The van suddenly came to a stop, throwing Daryl forward into the cab a bit. Daryl threw Rick a dirty glare as he shifted the van into park.

“We’ll have to walk from here. Glenn?”

“Yeah?”

“Ready to lead the way?”

Glenn sighed, “Not really.”

“No! No!”

A puddle of blood, a hacksaw, empty cuffs and a severed hand. That was all there was let on the roof. No Merle Dixon, just a hand. Your stomach turned at the thought of Merle sawing through his own wrist. Like an animal chewing off its own leg.

“No! NO!”

Daryl’s screams died down to whimpers until he became silent. T-Dog and Rick moved closer to him as you and Glenn stood on the grates. Suddenly Daryl spun around with his crossbow aimed at T-Dog’s head. In a flash Rick pulled his gun and aimed it at Daryl. All three of them stood in a silent stand-off.

“I won’t hesitate. I don’t care if every walker in the city hears it,” Rick’s voice was low and stern.

Daryl lowered his weapon. You and Glenn both let out sighs of relief.

“That’s just insane,” Glenn said in disbelief.

“Why do the worst people always have the most will to live?”

Silently T-Dog reached into his pants, pulled out blue bandanna and passed it off to Daryl. You and Glenn watched in disgust as Daryl crouched down near his brother’s hand.

“I guess the saw blade was too dull for the handcuffs.”

The hand made a horrible squelching sound as he picked it up. You gagged a bit as Daryl held it up to inspect it.

“Ain’t that a bitch.”

“Oh, man,” you groaned as he laid it on the bandanna and began folding the fabric over it.

He gestured to Glenn and beelined for his backpack. You shook your head as he pulled it open and slipped the hand inside. Glenn had a sick look on his face and you mouthed an apology to him.

“He must’ve used a tourniquet— maybe his belt. Be much more blood if he didn’t”

Daryl began walking away, following Merle’s blood trail. Rick gestured for everyone to follow. Glenn let out a deep sigh as he followed Rick. You let out a soft groan as you reluctantly trailed behind Glenn. Sure, you volunteered to come but you didn't think it would mean tracking down Merle.

Daryl followed the blood trail through a door and into a stairwell.

“Merle? You in here?”

“Hold on,” you stopped in the middle of the stairs. “T-Dog isn’t here yet.”

“He’ll be fine,” Daryl grumbled as he kept going forward.

Rick continued and you frowned as you stayed on the stairs. Glenn hesitated between you and Rick until you shook your head and waved him off. It didn’t matter if the others didn’t want to stay, you were going to anyway.

“You didn’t have to wait,” T-Dog said as he walked through the door with Dale’s bag of tools.

“I wanted to make sure a walker didn’t get you,” you grinned as he joined you in going down the stairs.

Glenn and Rick were waiting for the two of you at an opened door. It appeared to lead into some sort of office building. The group continued to follow Daryl’s lead, taking out any walkers you came across.

“Had enough in ‘im to take out these to sons of bitches,” Daryl said as he walked past the two already dead walkers on the ground. “One handed.”

“Toughest asshole I ever met, my brother,” he grunted as he reloaded his crossbow. “Feed him a hammer, he’d crap out nails.”

“Probably a Dixon thing,” you mumbled to yourself.

“Any man can pass out from blood loss,” Rick said as he moved forward. “No matter how tough his is.”

You kept a tight grip on both your gun and knife as you followed Rick down the hall. Daryl shouldered his way though, pushing past you and Glenn. You jumped as he suddenly yelled his brother’s name. Daryl kept his bow pointed towards the ground as he stepped around Rick, taking the lead again.

“Merle!”

“We’re not alone here. Remember?”

“Screw that. He could be bleeding out. You said so yourself.”

“Attracting walkers won’t help him or us,” you snapped at Daryl.

His yelling had brought two walkers out of the adjacent rooms. You stepped forward and stabbed your knife into one. The other moved towards Daryl who spun and fired an arrow right between it’s eyes.

“You can handle it,” he replied to you as he retrieved his arrow before walking into the next room.

This time instead of an office, you entered what looked like some sort of kitchen. There were flames coming from one side of the room but they were contained. It was coming from canned heat. Small metal cans that were filled with alcohol or petroleum. Your father would use them to cook food on camping trips. Rick picked up an iron with some sort of burnt material on it.

“What’s that burned stuff,” Glenn asked.

“Skin,” Rick replied. “He cauterized the stump.”

Glenn had a sick look in his face as Rick put it back. You turned around, feeling a little sick at the thought of Merle doing that. In a corner of the windows, there was a hole. Curiously, you walked over to to inspect it. Bloodied rags laid just outside of the window and there was a staircase right next to it. Behind you Rick and Daryl were talking, you gently tried to get their attention but they wouldn’t listen.

“Hey,” you bellowed, finally getting them to look at you. “Merle’s not here.”

“He left the building,” Glenn asked in disbelief as they all rushed over to look. “Why the hell would he do that?”

“Why wouldn't he? He's out there alone as far as he knows, doing what he's gotta do,” Daryl answered. “Surviving.”

“You call that surviving?” Just wandering the streets, maybe passing out? What are his odds out there?”

“No worse than being handcuffed and left to rot by you sorry pricks,” Daryl snapped at T-Dog before turning to Rick. “You sure couldn't kill him. Ain't so worried about some dumb dead bastard.”

“What about a thousand dumb dead bastards,” Rick stepped forward. “Different story?”

“Why don't you take a tally? Do what you want. I'm gonna go get him.”

“Daryl wait,” you and Rick spoke simultaneously as he pushed Daryl back.

“Get your hands off me! You can't stop me.”

“I don't blame you. He's family, I get that. I went through hell to find mine. I know exactly how you feel.”

There it was again, that horrible stab of guilt you felt every time Rick spoke about them. It was crippling and you almost couldn't breathe as you tried to tell yourself that nothing you did was wrong. Rick wasn't mad so why did your body continue to feel the way it did?

“He can't get far with that injury. We'll help you check a few blocks around but only with a level head.”

“I could do that,” Daryl replied calmly.

Rick looked over at T-Dog.

“Only if we get those guns first. I'm not strolling the streets of Atlanta with just my good intentions, okay?”

Rick nodded before looking over towards you and Glenn, “We'll what do y'all think? You know this place best.”

You and Glenn exchanged a quick look before he nodded towards Rick, signaling for you to be the one to talk.

“T-Dog is right, we need those guns first. There's too many walkers in the streets, even if we move quietly,” you sighed as you looked back at Glenn. “We need a game plan for those guns.”

Glenn nodded as he walked back into another room. You followed behind him and began to move the desks around. The other three followed as well but stood in the doorway with confused looks.

“What are you doing?”

“If you want those guns, you need a plan. It's best to visualize,” you explained.

Once you finished moving the desks, Glenn grabbed a marker and began drawing on the floor. The men moved in closer to watch what he was doing. When he was done drawing a bird's-eye view of the streets, he began grabbing objects to act as markers for the tank, guns and people.

“Now, if all of you wait in these alley ways when I run out to grab the gu-”

“You're doing this alone,” Rick interjected.

“Even I think it's a bad idea and I don't even like you much,” Daryl added.

“Who said I was going alone?”

“You said-”

“You didn't let me finish. They're coming out with me,” Glenn spoke as he pointed towards you.

Everyone's heads snapped towards you. You cleared your throat and awkwardly waved as everyone stared you down.

“Does nobody listen to me? How many times do I have to say that they're good with walkers?”

You let out a sigh, “He’s exaggerating.”

“No I'm not,” Glenn turned towards the others. “One time we got caught in a store by seven walkers, I thought we were screwed. They lured the walkers through the store and took them down one by one."

That was the you had found a comic book for Carl. All you were thinking about was getting back to so that you could give it to him. That was the first day you truly stepped up against the walkers.

“Look,” Glenn continued. “Me, Y/n and Daryl will be in this alley.”

“Why me?”

“Crossbows are quieter than guns,” you answered. “I use my knife which means I have to get close but you can cover us from a distance.”

“Exactly, then Rick and T-Dog will be here,” Glenn placed down an eraser.

“Two blocks away,” Rick questioned. “Why?”

“Walkers aren't predictable.”

Glenn nodded, “They might block us off and if that happens we'll have to go forward instead of back towards Daryl. Whichever direction we go we have both places for you to cover for us. Afterwards we'll all meet back here.”

“Hey kid, what did you do before all this?”

“Delivered pizzas. Why?”

Daryl didn't respond, just looked at Rick and nodded. Rick turned towards you, glancing up and down.

“What about you?”

You crossed your arms, feeling vulnerable for some reason, “I had just graduated college earlier this year. I was working at a meat processing plant until I could get hired in my field.”

“What did you study?”

“I majored in forestry and minored in entomology.”

“What?”

You sighed, “I studied forests and bugs.”

“The hell would you do that for,” Daryl grumbled.

“Before the world went to shit I wanted to help it.”

“I get the forestry part but uh why the bugs,” Rick asked.

“Bugs can help pollinate and recycle nutrients in forests that need help. I wrote my thesis paper on how we can use bugs to help regrow forests that get sick or even ones lost in forest fires,” you explained passionately.

“Enough about this bug shit, let's get these guns,” Daryl snapped. “I want to find my brother.”

“Then trust us,” Glenn stood up. “We got this.”

“Alley is clear,” you called back to Daryl and Glenn as you slipped out the window.

Glenn was right behind you as you began to climb down the stairs. You grunted as you jumped down onto the concrete. While the alley was clear, there were already a few walkers just outside of the gate. You kept a tight grip on your knife as the small group ran over to the dumpsters.

Daryl opened his mouth to speak but you and Glenn raced out the gate before he could say anything. You followed behind Glenn as he used the cars for cover. There was a walker in front and you stepped forward. It growled as you came closer but before it could do anything you stuck your knife into the side of it's head.

“Come on.”

Glenn jumped over the sandbags as you took down another walker. You quickly followed behind him and grabbed the sheriff's hat lying in the street.

“Let's go back,” Glenn called as he came racing towards you with the bag in his hands.

You turned and nearly ran into a walker.

“Y/n!”

“Go,” you yelled as you struggled with the dead man. “I got this!”

Glenn took off back down the street. You let out a loud yell as you were finally able to push the man off. Quickly you grabbed you knife from the ground and stabbed the man. Thick, dark blood dripped down your hand as you struggled to pull the knife from his skull. As more walkers began to close in you put your foot against his chest and ripped your knife back. A woman reached out for you as you spun and ran as fast as you could back to Daryl and Glenn. When you got closer, all you could hear was loud yelling coming from the alley.

“What's hap-”

Something hard swung into the side of your head as you rounded the corner. Pain flared through your skull as dropped the hat. Someone screamed and suddenly you were being carried off.

“Don't come for me,” you screamed as loudly as you could. “Just go back!”

You were harshly thrown into the back seat of a car. Before you could move two men were getting in on each side, blocking you in. One was yelling and cursing about an arrow. Daryl had been able to wound one of them.

Maybe if you had your knife you could fight you way out. No, you dropped the knife when you got hit. Besides, you knew that you couldn't actually do it. The thought of physically harming someone always made you feel uneasy. Sure you could easily kill walkers, but walkers aren't people. Walkers can't feel pain, people can.

“Your people better bring those damn guns if they want you alive,” one of the men snarled in your face.

“If they're smart they won't come for me,” you responded.

Your life wasn't worth their effort and possible deaths. They all had someone in the camp who needed then. Glenn and T-Dog didn't have family members but they were such an important backbone of the camp. It'd be a huge loss if they got killed. Daryl had Merle but even without him the camp couldn't stand to lose a skilled hunter and tracker like him. And Rick— Rick had Lori and Carl.

The things you did for the camp could be done by anyone and with Rick back it wasn't imperative that you lived, there was someone to protect Carl and Lori. There truly was no need for you at camp. If they were a smart group they'd cut their losses, find Merle and take those guns back to camp.

“Felipe shut up about the damn arrow! Well fix it when we get there,” the man next to you yelled at the other beside you.

“Man shut up, you're supposed to be covering their eyes!”

“Ah shit,” the first man grumbled as he began rummaging around the floorboard.

He found a black plastic bag and shoved it over your head.

“This is wildly dangerous,” you protested. “I could suffocate in this thing.”

“Then you better shut up and focus on breathing right.”

“Hey, you don't have to be so rough.”

They shoved you forward into a wall. You groaned as the tender side of your head was slammed against hard concrete. The plastic bag was ripped off your head and you were spun around to face someone.

“My men here say your group stole our guns,” a new man spoke as he walked up to you. “And they took one of our own.”

Behind him were a crowd of men, holding all sorts of weapons. From the way they stood you could tell that the man speaking to you was their leader.

“They're not your guns,” you rasped.

“Who say’s they aren't?”

“The King's County Sheriff's Department logo on the bag.”

You had been lucky enough to notice it as Glenn ran by with the bag. The man's face tighten. He waved his hand to someone next to you and you could hear the sound of duct tape being ripped. A piece was slapped across your mouth before another bag was pulled over you head. Thankfully this time it was fabric instead of plastic. Your arms were pulled behind your back and bound.

“Take them to the roof.”

Rough hands grabbed your arms and began pulling you away. You didn't put up any fight as they led you up some stairs and onto the roof of the building. They pushed you down to sit against the wall.

The tape was uncomfortable on your lips and the ropes around your wrists were painfully tight. Still you stayed still and silent. Thrashing around and making noise would only make your situation even worse. You really hoped that they did as you said and we're already on their way back to the camp.

“G said they're coming!”

Wishful thinking. You rolled your eyes as they men pulled you onto your feet. A door was pulled open and you could faintly hear voices. You shook you head in disappointment. This was all a waste of time.

“Oye!”

The men dragged you forward to the edge of the building and pulled the bag off your head. Beneath you stood Daryl and Rick with some kid standing in front of them. Glenn and T-Dog were nowhere to be seen. The man known as G began talking again as you desperately shook your head. They needed to leave, take the gun and go. Standing here, arguing with people was only putting the camp more and more at risk.

Your life wasn't worth it.

As the G and his men began to go back inside you screamed and tried your best to signal for Rick to go. You tried to yell Lori and Carl's name behind the tape but it was too muffled for him to understand. His family was more important but yet here he was wasting precious minutes trying to get you back. The bag was shoved back over your head and you were dragged back inside.

The ties around your wrists were cut and the bag was pulled off your head. G was standing in front of you. He ripped the tape off your mouth and you groaned as it painfully pulled your skin.

“Where should we put them?”

“They can stay with the others,” G replied.

The others? They had more hostages? Your eyes widened in fear as the two men pushed you forward. Horrible images ran through your head as they led you to another building. Your legs shook as you made your way up the stairs.

They pushed the heavy doors open and waited for you to enter. Coughing echoed down the halls and you could hear distant conversations. As you walked down the hall you could see older people along with very few nurses checking in on them.

“A nursing home,” you questioned in disbelief.

The two men didn't respond. They pushed you forward into a large room full of people. Some were sitting and playing games, others were shuffling around the room and most were just sitting and talking. There were bookshelves, tables and even a piano in the room. On the floor sat a leopard print dog bed with three small chihuahuas sitting inside. You were pushed down onto an empty chair.

“Don't do anything stupid,” one of the men ordered.

You watched in shock as they turned and left, willfully leaving you in a room full of elderly people. They were trusting that you weren't some sicko. You looked around the room more and realized that they weren't concerned about leaving you because there were plenty of other men around the building.

Awkwardly, you waited at the table. A small bell jingled as a white chihuahua jumped out of the bed and trotted over to you. The tiny thing sniffed your shoe for a few minutes before jumping onto your lap. You stared at the dog in shock as it pawed at your shirt.

“Ahh, Fabio likes you,” a sweet voice spoke.

“Fabio?”

“That's ‘es name. Fabio, Luis y Rosa,” a kind older lady explained as she pointed to the dogs. “You can call me Abuelita. Do you want to play poker with us?”

“Oh uh- I don't really know how to play poker,” you explained. “I can play a mean game of Go-Fish though.”

“I haven't played that since I was a child,” she exclamation happily.

She gently grabbed your arm and led you over to a table of three others. As you sat down she began to shuffle the cards again. You shyly introduced yourself to the table as passed the cards around to everyone.

“I thought we were playing poker,” an older gentleman at the table spoke.

“They don't know how to play,” she kindly explained. “But they can play go-fish.”

“I haven't heard of that game in years.”

You didn't really know what happened. One second you were all playing go-fish, making jokes, laughing and then suddenly Mr. Gilbert was gasping for breath like a fish out of water. It took a moment to realize he was having a asthma attack.

“Hey,” you yelled to a young man standing near the piano. “Does he have an inhaler?”

He nodded hesitantly.

“Then go get it! He's having a asthma attack.”

As the man sprinted off you stood from you chair and moved Mr. Gilbert away from the table.

“Alright, stay sitting up. Do not bend over,” you gently instructed as you locked the wheels on his chair. “I know it might be hard but just stay as calm as you can. It'll help you breathe just a little bit.”

“I can't find his inhaler,” the young man ran back with an embarrassed look on his face.

“Who would know?”

“Felipe,” Abuelita answered. “I'll go get him.”

“Are- Are you sure?”

She waved you off as she continued to walk down the hall. You grinned and turned back to Mr. Gilbert.

“Try to breathe in through your nose.”

The doors at the end of the hall burst open, revealing Abulita with Felipe. Behind her came in your group. Relief flooded your body and despite you wanting them to leave, you were so terribly happy they had come back for you. Your attention was pulled back to Mr. Guilbert as Felipe returned with his inhaler.

“What the hell is this,” Rick’s voice sounded almost strained.

“It’s an asthma attack,” you explained, a bit confused about what he was asking about. “I guess I made him laugh a little too hard. He suddenly couldn't catch his breath.”

“Thought you were being eaten by dogs,” T-Dog said.

You gave them all a confused look before turning to the dog bed where the three chihuahuas were sitting. Fabio began to bark, as if to show everyone that he was indeed something to be scared of. You chuckled at the little dog.

“Could I have a word with you,” Rick sounded angry as he pulled G away from the group.

“Hey,” Glenn caught your attention. “All that crap you were yelling about us not coming for you? Don't ever say anything as stupid as that ever again.”

“Okay okay,” you chuckled. “I get it, no more heroic sacrifices.”

“You didn't actually think we would have left you, right?”

“I-”

“Come on,” Rick called, interrupting you and Glenn.

Everyone followed G and Rick down the hall and into another room. There were a few chairs spread out across the floor. G leaned against the table as Rick sat down the bag.

“What about the rest of your crew?”

“The vatos trickle in. To check on their parents, grandparents. They see how things are and most decide to stay,” G explained. “It's a good thing too. We need the muscle. The people we've encountered since things fell apart, the worst kind— plunders. The kind that take by force.”

“That's not who we are,” Rick defended.

“How was I to know? My people got attacked and you show up with Miguel as hostage— appearances.”

“Guess the world changed,” T-Dog sighed.

“No,” you shook your head. “It’s still the same, the monsters just don’t have to hide anymore. I’m gonna go say some good-byes, if that’s okay?”

G nodded and you left the room as he continued to talk to Rick. Abuelita gasped as she saw you coming from the room and you couldn’t help but grin.

“Did you come to say goodbye?’

“It didn’t feel right to leave without one,” you chuckled as she opened her arms and pulled you into a deep hug.

“I’m so happy your husband and his friends came to get you. Why don’t you wear your ring though. Oh, did you lose it?”

“Abuelita, that’s not my husband.”

“Oh but with the way he was looking at you I thought-”

She paused as she looked at the expression on your face.

“What do you mean?”

“I must have been seeing things mijo,” she chuckled as she patted your shoulders. “Don’t listen to me.”

“Y/n!”

Rick’s voice made you jump. You spun around to see him waving for you while the others stood at the entrance, waiting to leave. Abuelita pulled you into another quick hug and pressed as chaste kiss against your cheek.

“Stay safe.”

“You too.”

“I hate your brother.”

Daryl huffed as he continued his pace. Your legs were beginning to burn but you couldn't slow down. It was already getting dark and the group couldn’t waste time just so you could catch your breath. If only Merle hadn't stolen the van. There wasn't any concrete evidence that he did it but Daryl also seemed convinced it had been his brother. Who were you to argue with his own brother?

“I hope he’s done fucking us over,” Glenn added breathlessly.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have cuffed him on that roof,” Daryl snapped.

“Well maybe your brother shouldn’t have been such a shit person.”

‘Hey,” Daryl stopped in his tracks. “You don’t know noth-”

“Shut up,” you snapped. “Do you hear that?”

Faint screams came from the distance. The group looked at each other before gun shots began to go off.

“Oh my god,” Rick gasped in shock.

You pushed past Daryl and ran as fast as you could back to camp. Rick was right next to you as you both raced back. The screams grew louder and the sound of gun shots began to overlap. Your heart was thudding in your skull as pushed your legs to go faster.

“Fucking move,” you screamed at the rest of the group as you began to hear Carl’s screams of fear.

“Catch!”

Rick tossed you a shotgun. You paused for a small moment to catch it before sprinting off again. The group was still hot on your heels but you started out pace them as the tents began to come into view. You slipped past the tents and shot at the first walker that you saw. It was chaos as everyone ran by. Desperately you searched for Carl and Lori.

“Y/n,” Carl screamed.

You let out a breathe of relief as you ran to meet them, shooting down any walkers that crossed your path. Carl broke from Lori’s grip and ran to you. A walker grabbed for his shirt, nearly catching him.

“No!”

Just as it aimed your gun to shoot, it collapsed. Carl ran and hugged you as Rick came to your side. Lori cried as she pulled him into a hug. You made eye contact with her as she held Rick as tightly as she could. She still stared at you with the same loving look she always had. Although this time it felt like she was pushing a knife into your heart.

“Watch out,” she screamed as a walker came right for you.

You grabbed Carl and ducked out the way as yellowish teeth came mere centimeters from your face. Brain matter spattered across your cheek as Rick blew its face off. Tears spilled through the blood as the shock of how close you had come to dying began to set in. Carl sobbed as he gripped your shirt, rubbing his tears and snot into the fabric. You almost didn't feel real as you rubbed his back. Rick held Lori as he watched you comfort his son. The feeling of his eyes on you raised goosebumps on your arms but you couldn't bring yourself to look at him.

As Andrea cried over Amy’s body you couldn’t help but think that if they had never came for you, nobody would be dead. The camp would have had the guns in time and they could have defended themselves properly. You watched in shock as some cried over their dead loved ones and others held their families. It felt so out of place for you to be holding Rick’s son in your arms. He was meant to be with his mom and dad yet he was clinging to you.

“You should have left me,” your voice felt hollow as you spoke to Rick, finally looking at him.

His expression tightened but he didn't say anything, he simply hugged Lori tighter as she cried into his shoulder. The two of you stood silently next to each other as Lori and Carl slowly began to calm down. Carl shuddered with every breath he took.

“I thought you weren’t coming back,” he cried. “I thought you and Dad were stuck out there like last time!”

You couldn't help but stare at Rick in shock, unable to fully believe what had just come from Carl’s mouth. A small part of you believed that maybe you were just imagining it all, that the walker did actually bite you and you were dying. Rick raised his eyebrows, as if he was asking if you were going to respond.

“Uh, I— I could never leave you like that Carl,” you crouched down so you could look at him properly. “I promise you I will always do everything I can to come back to you. Now, go hug your dad for me okay?”

Carl nodded as he let your shirt go before running to Rick. You turned to walk away, unable to watch their reunion.

“Y/n wait,” Lori called.

You ignored her and walked towards the treeline at the edge of camp. She called your name again and you could hear her jogging to catch up with you. She ran in front of you and stopped, standing right in your path.

“Can we talk?”

“For what?”

You didn't really expect an answer as you side stepped her and continued walking to the woods. Being in the camp while everyone was grieving was too much. You needed a moment away to think. Lori followed behind you, trying to stop you and get your attention. You ignored her as you weaved through the thick forest hoping to lose her.

“Please just talk to me, stop running away,” she grabbed your arm to keep you from walking away.

“What is there to talk about Lori? Go be with your husband.”

“Why can you talk to him but not me? I love you.”

“I know you do,” your voice cracked as you turned back to face her, pulling your arm from her grip. “But you love your husband, you always have, and he’s here. You can't keep loving me so just stop.”

“I can’t,” she sobbed and shook her head desperately. “I don't think I can.”

“You have to,” you couldn't help but yell. “Rick fought God knows what to get back to you! He's married to you, not me. He deserves you, not me. This isn't fair to him! He's a good man.”

“Do you really think so little of yourself?”

You looked at her, speechless. That was all she had to say? She stepped forward, reaching out to you but you stepped back. She froze and tears welled in her eyes.

“Lori, please stop,” your voice was barely above a whisper. You blinked back the tears threatening to spill. “I think I need to leave.”

“No,” she practically yelled. You flinched a bit at the volume, her eyes widened and tears streamed down her cheeks as she hugged herself. It was awful to see Lori look so small and defeated. “This camp needs you far more than I do. Carl needs you! I’ll— I won't bother you anymore. I'm so sorry things happened this way.”

She turned and left, leaving you alone in the woods, just you had asked. Everything hit you all at once and you began to hyperventilate as you desperately tried to hold back your cries. You crashed to your knees as tears wildly streamed down your face.

“Stop being a baby!”

A panicked cry escaped you as you looked up to find your father walking towards you. A man who had been dead for five years was suddenly standing in front of you. He grabbed your face, the same painful way he had done for your entire childhood.

“How pathetic! All these years of teaching you how to be strong and you're still a useless sack of shit!”

He growled and lunged for your face, morphing from your dad into a walker. You screamed and tried to break from it's grip as you reached for your knife. It got caught in your belt loop as the walker grabbed your arms, nearly digging his nails into your skin.

You heart was pounding in your chest as you fought to break it's grip. His skin slid off his arms as you tried to get a grip of your own. You finally found enough grip to snap his arm, forcing him to lose his. Now freed you grabbed your knife and stabbed the walker right between his eyes.

Blood sprayed your face, covering it. You snapped your eyes and lips closed to keep from getting infected. With a loud grunt you pushed the body away and looked around to see if there were any others lurking. The camp just took down a large group but there were probably still more hiding in the woods.

You wiped your face and forced down the lump in your throat. Your father was right, there was no time to lay down and cry. All this being in your head was making you crazy. It was time to let it go. You told Lori what you wanted and she agreed.

The world was over but that didn't mean you had to go down with it.