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Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of âwhat if humans were the weird ones?â going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?Â
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all âSCORE! Earth like world! Letâs get exploring before we get out competed!â And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just ⌠there⌠counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.Â
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a âhumans are awesomeâ fiction megapost: âyou donât know youâre from a Death World until you leave it.â For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: âIâm sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?â
Human:Â âHonestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.â
Alien: ââŚâŚ. Iâm sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?â
Human: âYeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.âÂ
Other human:Â âNah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.â
Human:Â âHeh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.â
Alien: ââŚâŚ. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?â
Human: âEugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.âÂ
Alien: ââŚâŚ. Weâve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.âÂ
âYouâre telling me that you have⌠settlements. On islands with active volcanism?â âWell, yeah. Iâm not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, itâs kind of a tourist attraction.â âWhat, the molten rock?â âWell, yeah! Itâs not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcanoââ âYou ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?â âShit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.â
Sounds like the âDamnedâ trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
âAnd you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?âÂ
âYup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.â
âAmazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?â
â⌠well, actuallyâŚâ
â⌠what?â
ââŚwe kindaâŚâŚ. sentâŚâŚâŚ.. peopleâŚ..â
ââŚâ
ââŚâ
ââŚwhat?â
âwe sent-â
âno yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent⌠HUMANS⌠to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?â
ây-yeahâ
âand they didnât⌠die?â
âWell the first few didâ
âPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?â
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
âPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?â
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48â˛s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldnât get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, yâknow, youâre in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you wonât freeze to death in the arctic.
âIâm telling you, I donât think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?â âThose worthless rocks? Yeah.â â80% of them are considered âresort destinationsâ by those freaky little primates.â
âIâm telling you, they terraform for fun!â âDonât be ridiculousâ âNo, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilpâs sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.â âDear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?â âPsh, theyâd probably pay for the privilege.â
Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think itâs fun to be sent to horrible planets! Theyâre really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! Itâs genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of âtamingâ and âhabitableâ are woefully incomplete.
âWhy did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?â Grahsskâti moans, clutching one limb.
âThose?â The human laughs. âWhy bother? Theyâre not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.â
Grahsskâti shudders. The âmosquitoesâ are⌠not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
âAnd the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?â
âI mean, theyâre annoying,â the human says, shrugging, âbut we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.â
Grahsskâti flails helplessly. âWhat about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!â
âTheyâre so cute!â the human says, brightening. âHave you met mine? Her name is Spot!â
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is considered âcompletely and utterly inhospitable - it would be folly to try and settle there.â
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because âFuck You Thatâs Why.â It doesnât matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.Â
âThis moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft - by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-â âOH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! Iâm totally going to build a castle there.â âWhat. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.â âWhich will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.â ââŚ.youâŚ.you are going to die, you know this right?â âIâm getting the feeling you donât want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?â
âListen, lad. Iâve built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was molten magma. All those aliens said I was daft to build a castle on a molten planet, but I built it all the same, just to show âem. It sank into the magma. So, I built a second one. That sank into the magma. So I built a third one. That spontaneously combusted, turned to ash, then sank into the magma. But the fourth one stayed up. Anâ thatâs what your gonna get, lad â the strongest castle in this solar system.â
âIâm gonna need for you to explain âhurricane partiesâ to me again.  You humans have the technology to track these apocalyptic storms of wind and rain and predict where on the landmass theyâll hit up to a week in advance.  And youâŚhave social gatherings during them?â
âWell yeah, but only up to about Category 3 strength. Â Then itâs time to pack the car and head inland for most people, although a few hardy souls stick around and ride them out.â
âOh good. Â Category 3 is what again? Â Winds up to 75 kilometers per hour?â
âNo no, Category 3 starts at 175 kilometers per hour. Â You left off the one.â
Iâm sure Iâve reblogged some version of this before, but I needed the STRONGEST CASTLE IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM on my blog.
âThis planet is so cool!â
âItâs a planet completely made of ice.â
âYeah! Letâs send some scientists! Or I could be the youngest person there!â
âYouâd die, itâs below freezing level!â
âBut the blizzards are so pretty!â
âThe storms of dEATH ARE NOT PRETTY!â
âPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?â
âNo, of course not. Nobody âsentâ anyone, they just went up there on their own.â
âThey WHAT?â
Oh my fuck nuggets, the actual thread
these are absolutely some of my favorite threads on tumblr.
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