#depression fear

Everyone wants to be happy , atleast  hopes to be happy. When something happens which you din’t want to or which you din’t expect to happen , you feel sad .When something you want desperately doesn’t happen you lose hope on it .When something you were waiting from a long time to happen doesn’t ,you feel  dejected . If the cycle of  NO’s , the repeated failures ,the feeling of being rejected or mocked at everytime , the fear  of failure stabbing you till death , the fear of losing your love , the loss of loved one , the fear of future being hopeless  keeps on happening like a cycle you end being that person you never wanted to be or that person whom you think is worthless to live . You fear to express your fears to your friends or parents or anyone because you are in a very vulnerable state where you feel everyone is judging you and yes people do judge you because they never had “Human Psychology”  as part of their curriculum in their schooling .So where is the awareness .We all know Newton’s laws , we are well aware of perpendicular theorems, we are well versed with human body parts .But we neglected the most important part the brain and human emotions . When we understand that and try to save ourselves or others ,I think yes we created a better place to live or atleast we contributed our part to it . We have so many fears within us . We have to let them out .To let them out we need a caring  and a trustworthy person who listens to us .But the irony of today’s world is we don’t find such people in our life.Who is ready to take shit and give shit these days. Everybody is selfish in his/her own ways .We cannot be selfless because we don’t have time for others .Friends might be able to help you for some part but cannot fulfill the void space in your heart. Emptiness is when you sit among people and you don’t know or don’t have the interest to join that conversation because your mind feels you are too vulnerable to talk or too scared of a breakdown. This emptiness needs to be acknowledged. Blessed are those  who have great company  around who always  encourage them and motivate them. While other suffer it all alone and come up with a smile to hide their fears because they are too scared to be proved wrong for the decisions they have taken . If you cannot change someone’s life for good don’t be responsible to ruin their life .

I’ve never known anything but this. In the depths of my consciousness that I’ll never reach, there will always be stains I cannot wipe off.

Will I fail as a wife? A mother? An employee? Was I awful to date? Do they still think about me? Did they love me? What kind of love does he have for me now? Will it last? Will he cheat? Will I want to? Will he? Will we be able to have kids? I don’t want to work. I don’t want to stay home. How long will I have my family for? My parents will live long lives, right? Will they live until my wedding? Will I? Tonight. This moment. Is hard enough. What will tomorrow bright? Can I do it? Do I even want to? I’ll try my best. I always do. For them. Soon I hope for me.

You are your inspiration, find the strength to move beyond idea, the moment,the doubt and the fear. Assignment: Capture the essence you desire. Be ink. -Avery Vice (c) 2014

I feel like holding on to my relationship is like holding on to cocaine...toxic and a filler for MY emotional and self esteem problems

Day 4 - yesterday was hell on earth. I couldnt deal with my pain i took one to many of my meds to drown the pain of my sadness. I wont lie i wanted to get high but couldnt i wanted to dissapear. It was horible i put my mom trough hell worrying about me my bf had watch me not sure if he had to bring me to the emergency. I am not feeling well happy that i made it through that ordeal just dont want to go back to that dark place.