Hi I’m Meg

Even when they know

They are giving themselves

For less than they are worth

They still do it

Fragile little beast

Determined to love

did they really love me

or was I just another thing to destroy?

If they treated me poorly

is that a trait I attract?

Or simply something I allow?

Did my adorations become

confused with complacency?

When I said “I love you”

did they take that as a challenge?

A reason to break me so completely

that I can only feel anger when I think of them?

To leave me struggling for air

at the thought of running into them?

Did they intend to become the main character

of my therapy sessions?

To traumatize me so well that I still

do not trust myself?

I have to wonder

Will I ever stop blaming myself

will ever catch up to my head

if someday I can look at old pictures

and not feel everything at once.

Logically we were never a match

I wanted kids and you didn’t

You loved Washington and I wanted Colorado

but still I fell heart over head in love with you

The kind of love where nothing can break through

a haze that was created for me but not you

The damage was done before I could blink back into focus

My head is clear but my heart still lives in the haze

the rose colored glasses I saw you through

the fantasy version I painted as you

the real you that laughed at my jokes

and smiled with an eye roll

the you that met me toe to toe

that curled up on the couch with me

And my heart wishes I had counted all your freckles

memorized the patterns they make

but I never knew it was going to be the last time I would have the chance to

Because logically there was going to be an end

I will not beg for someone’s attention

Will not sit by my phone waiting

While someone stares at theirs ignoring my existence

like I am a pawn in their game

a blind mouse in their thesis project

I will not give more of myself

than is deserved than is earned

much like respect I require effort

I am not a consolation prize nor a blue ribbon

I am so much more than anything that can be won

I will not lay at anyone’s feet begging for table scraps

like the stray brought in by the heroic master

I cut the strings you used to puppeteer me and now I am free

Like the wind in spring

Or during a hurricane

You cannot bottle me up

I am not something anyone can claim

I will never be the person I was before I met you

Nor the person I was with you

My edges have become sharp

like the knife you left in my spine

like the pieces of my heart that lay shattered

in the floorboard of my car

on the ground of your parking lot

Before our edges became so sharp

When you could still reach out to me

All soft and warm like my favorite sweater

Before our hearts gave way

When all we did was love each other

The only way we knew how

Without the fear or the broken glass between us

It was never equal but isn’t that the point

Something so devoutly sacrificial

In loving you more than myself

In giving you all of myself

For nothing more than table scraps

For the honor of laying at your feet

Never beside you in your bed

Holding on to the hope of something more

The small glances I got to steal as I played with you hair

When I was still a believer and a daydreamer