Honey, I'm Good

Ollie paused in trying to speak, listening to Ivan and nodding. He closed his eyes and started to breathe in and out through his mouth. His Moms always told him the same thing, to breathe because it would help more than anything. When he was little, his Mom had taught him a trick that he still used to this day. He imagined a balloon in his head once his eyes were closed, when he was inhaling he was inflating the balloon and when he was exhaling the balloon was deflating again. He continued to imagine this balloon until he was able to keep the breaths going at this rate alone. 

Ollie still played with Ivan’s free hand, rubbing different patterns onto it and squeezing it. He liked little stress balls and toys for this reason, that he could just squeeze and poke. However, while he had his boyfriend’s hand he fidgeted with it the same way he would one of his toys. He met Ivan’s eyes when he was finally ready to utter the words: “H-he d-din’t p-pick m-me cause…. I-I’m n-not…. wh-white….” He couldn’t help but stutter; he didn’t do this nearly as much as he did when he was little but really only when he was flustered and upset. 

He could feel the other slowly starting to calm down, watching as he seemed to focus on his breathing. It was working, he could tell, because he wasn’t holding his head or shaking at the moment. Breathing helped Ivan through his own anxiety and depression, meditation being one of the things he learned while out in L.A. when he was filming. Kissing Ollie on the forehead again, he the other finally speak. Though, what his boyfriend said didn’t exactly make Ivan smile. No, it infuriated the singer and all he could do was grimace on Ollie’s behalf. His gaze was away, pointed at the wall since he didn’t want Ollie to think he was giving him that look. Which he wasn’t, because it was definitely not Ollie’s fault.

Ollie rested his head in the crook of Ivan’s neck as he sobbed, his mouth gaping open which caused him to cry louder and also leave a small puddle of saliva on Ivan’s shoulder. He knew the other didn’t mind, plus he was too upset to even notice. He allowed his boyfriend to lead him over to the bed and kiss him, but he kept his face buried in his shirt. 

Once they were on the bed, Ollie moved to wrap his arms around Ivan and squeeze onto him for support. He sniffled loudly and heaved through breaths, his vision blurry and chest tight. Ollie played with Ivan’s fingers when their hands held each other and he continued to hum through the tears. “Mmmm…. mmmm….” He repeated, just needing the droning sound in his ears to calm him. He also made clicking noises in the back of his throat and swirled around the saliva in his mouth before he swallowed, all little things to calm down. 

He was still crying heavily, but he tried to push a few words out. “I-I…. I-I found o-out…. wh-why I w-wasn’t c-cast….” He started. “I-I’m…. I’m n-not….” He hung his head then and choked on a sob, keeping his glance down as he began to swirl the saliva around in his mouth again.

He didn’t force Ollie to talk, just waiting for him to get the words out. It was only right since there would be no point in forcing anyone to do anything if they were this emotional. “Take your time, babe. Just take deep breaths slowly, in and out, and it’ll help you, too.” He told him, knowing Ollie had his ways of taking care of his ways of calming himself. But, really, breathing was something that would help literally anyone who was this emotional. It helped the brain and the lungs all at once.

Ollie plopped down on the bed, still listening to his Nanay who was doing her best on the other line to give advice and comfort her son. He scrubbed over his face and sniffled, in shock that they were even having this conversation. He didn’t imagine in this point in time he would be dealing with racism. However, it was still strongly present in the country and it hurt. He was sensitive to others’ pain with it, and now that he was dealing with it directly it wasn’t any easier. 

Ollie heard Ivan call for him, so he knew he couldn’t leave him hanging. It wasn’t like him to storm in like that, which meant Ivan had to be concerned. Ollie spoke for another minute or so before he ended the call with his Nanay. “Mahal kita….” he breathed sadly, and he let her know he would call later before he hung up. 

Ollie dropped his phone on the bed and stood, crossing over to the door to open it for Ivan. He looked at him with red, puffy eyes and his shoulders trembled. “Mmmm?” He moaned through tears, hugging himself around his belly. He fidgeted with his hands uncomfortably and breathed heavily. 

He could hear him talking and crying on the other side of the door, but he waited until Ollie was ready to speak to him. One of the many things Ivan did for those he loved was to be patient, which he had plenty of that. So, when the door opened and he heard that tone of voice through the sobbed moan, he pulled Ollie gently into his arms to hold him. Ivan wasn’t going to ask what happened, not while Ollie was crying. This wasn’t a panic attack type sobbing, no. This was actual emotional pain. What happened that had gotten to Ollie in such a manner?

Ollie arrived home from his coffee date with his friend earlier than expected, since the conversation had went to a place that was sensitive to him. He hadn’t expected to find out why he was not cast in the show he auditioned for, let alone the reason being the color of his skin. In his personal career, Ollie had never faced racism before. In fact, he was praised for being a person of color greatly in his current role. He inspired so many young people who were mixed race, so to be denied a part because of what made him different was painful. 

Ollie stormed into the apartment, barely greeting the dogs as he held the phone to his ear. He just held out his hand briefly before continuing to head toward the bedroom. He made no notice of where his boyfriend was either, just fixated on the conversation with his Nanay. “Hindi ko alam kung paano niya ito magagawa….. hindi ito patas!!” He muttered into the phone, just going on about how this wasn’t fair and he was appalled that someone could do this. Tears streamed down his face as he slammed the bedroom door behind him.

@withivanssong

Ivan was never worried about Ollie going out with friends, and he noticed how stressed he had been since the Cats audition. It wasn’t the best musical to start on, just a classic that only theatre buffs really enjoy. If he gave his own opinion, he thought it was too long and too much. The storyline was strange and the ending just didn’t really fit in his own opinion. As he sat playing his piano, though, he remembered the director’s name that Ollie had mentioned. It wasn’t something that struck him, but he had looked into it and called his manager about reviews of said director. He hadn’t heard back yet, so why not continue writing his music as he waited for Ollie to get home?

Ollie leaned into Ivan and whined, tears still rolling down his face. “O-oww….” he cried. He couldn’t focus with the pain, since he suffered bad migraines when he was stressed. He knew his boyfriend was right, though, so he tried to think of what he could eat. “U-um….. c-can I h-have cereal? Th-the…. mm, Cinnamon Toast,” he said. He scrubbed at his eyes before nuzzling against the older man. “S-sorry…. i-it h-hurts to m-move my h-head a lot…. it m-makes me d-dizzy. I n-need to t-take s-something….”

“Thank you,” Ollie had whispered sadly when Ivan passed him his glasses. “I-I w-wanna take the b-bath w-with you…..” He told. He ducked his head as tears spilled out. “Mmmm…..” He hummed nervously, his chest tightening. He brought his hand to his mouth to bite, since it helped him calm down. His hand was wet with saliva, but he continued to suck at the skin. He only pulled back when his breaths got hitchy. He held his chest and gasped, feeling an attack come on but not wanting to go there. “M-mmm….” he whimpered again. He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to look ahead because the room was spinning and he felt like his chest was closing in.

“Alright, don’t worry. I’ll be right back.” He said, kissing his boyfriend on the forehead and letting them rest there quietly. Ivan quickly made his way around the kitchen, putting together the cereal and getting a big glass of water to chase the pills with. He came back with a tray, placing it on the dresser while he went into the bathroom to get the medicine. Seeing what they had, he took two pills out and placed them on the little napkin that had the spoon on it. Once he did that, he moved to the bed to help Ollie sit up so he could eat. “I can feed it to you so you don’t have to open your eyes. Just lean back, rest your head and I’ll get an ice pack.”

Ollie grumbled when Wolf had jumped down from the bed, but he let him go to get water or whatever he needed. “Bub!” he called out again, only stopping when he heard Ivan reply to him. He still nuzzled against his pillow and held closed his eyes, opening them to see his biggest dog back on the bed along with his boyfriend. He whimpered softly when Ivan kissed his head and sighed sadly. “I’m hungry, b-but my head h-hurts….” He opened his eyes and a few tears trickled down, absolutely hating the days where he just felt all around bad. He knew it happened to everyone, though, and he tried not to beat himself up. He knew he would get through it and Ivan would help.

Ollie dropped his plush at his side so he could reach to hold onto one of Ivan’s arms, sniffing softly. He also pushed some of his blankets off of him, revealing his personal Creeps shirt that he had worn to bed along with a pair of boxer briefs. “Is there A-advil or s-something?” he whined. “I d-don’t know if I h-have a migraine or n-not, it kinda feels l-like it…. cause I-I’m a little queasy.” He scrubbed over his face before reaching over to his nightstand weakly, trying to feel around for his glasses.

Once he finally felt them, Ollie grabbed hold of them and put them on. He looked up at Ivan and listened, still crying quietly. “Um, m-maybe a bath would h-help…. th-then I c-can watch the m-movie l-later. C-can you t-take it w-with m-me?” He looked to Ivan with pleading eyes, more tears pooling over as he choked on a sob. 

Seeing the tears, Ivan sighed softly in concern as he started to wipe them away with his fingertips. His touch was gentle, almost like a parent as he tried to relieve Ollie of his sadness. The pain was obvious, he could see it in those brown eyes, so he was going to do whatever he could to help Ollie feel better. “There’s Advil and Aleve. I take Aleve, myself. I’ll get them, but you need to eat something in order to take that medicine, otherwise your stomach will be worse than it is now.” He said, running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair to add to the comfort. Nipping his bottom lip, he scooted a bit closer to Ollie and wrapped his free arm around them to keep them close.

The past few days had been tough on Ollie, with the announcement that his show was closing in the midst of the busy weekend performance schedule. He always pushed himself to be his best in each show, but with the news out there that soon he would not get to play this part he pushed even harder. The sweat and tears, as well as a little blood when he managed to trip on Saturday night and hit his knee, had left him exhausted. Change was never easy, always taking more time for him to adjust to and learn to accept. He knew that moving forward, though, he needed to make the most of the next seven weeks. He wanted to enjoy every single show he had left with his favorite character, not spend each one in misery knowing the final bow was coming. He needed to let his feelings wash over him, and time to process the news so he could move past this.

Ollie was grateful for Monday, a day he could just stay in bed and to catch up on some much needed rest. He woke up earlier in the morning, but he was quick to fall back to sleep. It was a little after 11 when he finally began to stir awake. “Mmm….” he moaned, half asleep as he rubbed at his eyes. Without his glasses, he could only see very blurry versions of his dogs laying around him. “Mmm…. bub?” He moaned quietly, not hearing Ivan. “Bubby!” he called out louder, hoping the other would hear. He instantly scrunched his eyes closed, his head pounding from how tired he was and drained. He held his plush close and whined, burying his face into his pillow with his Steven Universe pillowcase on it. He hoped that Ivan would stay by his side for the day, because he felt too weak to get around without him. Plus, his boyfriend always made him feel better when he wasn’t his best.

@withivanssong

Ever since Ollie found out that their show was ending, things had been rather emotional. It was hard, really, since Ivan wanted to be there for every moment. His music was on hold until Ollie could really handle themselves without Ivan around. But, right now, Ivan was making a snack for himself and some tea for his boyfriend. He knew that the other needed rest so he wasn’t pushing for Ollie to wake up. Ivan was understanding, so this was no different.

Looking to one of the dogs trotting out of the bedroom, Ivan watched as he got water before following after Ivan into the kitchen. That’s when he heard Ollie calling out for him. “Coming, babe!” He said, picking up the tea and making his way to their bedroom. As the dog followed him back, he jumped on the bed and Ivan sat the tea down next to Ollie’s phone on the nightstand. “I made you some tea.” He said, kissing them on the forehead before running his hands through their hair. “I was just making some tea and a snack for myself. Are you hungry?” Ivan inquired, turning a bit on the bed to face his boyfriend.