I’m not sure being able to see the patterns of being that come with people born like me is useful, or even fun, .. it feels offensive to talk about or point out, and it doesn’t help either that I have this uncomfortable, clinical way of talking about it..like it’s something outside of myself I’m studying and fascinated by. I think it’s partly because the language of people not like me is all I used for most of my life, I was my mask and my mask was like them. .. it does make me sad and I don’t like it.
But I just have all this information. What do I do with it? I want to talk about it, I want it to matter, I want my discovery of myself, and these patterns (and reasons for those patterns!) that I can point out in others, to be seen.
But it’s like.. It’s so antithetical to it.. I don’t want it to be but it is.. I can’t talk about myself so directly because it hurts me. And when I talk about it like it’s some science project, I feel like I’m contributing to some kind of harm to others. Like I’m exposing them and putting them in danger, but also like I’m doing something that they wouldn’t do themselves, I’m making them uncomfortable, I’m cornering them. I feel the discomfort.
I want to find some way to express this, I wish I had someone I could talk to about it, someone who is aware of it in themselves, but I know that’s because I’m lonely, and, I spent ten years trying to figure myself out and the last three years dashing through every part of myself after finally having found the right language, the actual answer. And I have never, in, all my life, talked about myself, while knowing myself. I’ve never..I’ve been so alone, and. And every time I found someone like me they were repulsed by me. And I could never make a friend. And I just , I was so pulled to people like me and when I’d try to approach they just hated it, they found me so , just so incomplete, and worthless, and I would cringe with the frustration of not being seen and not knowing why I wasn’t being seen but it was because I didn’t have access to myself and wasn’t being myself. I just , have gone through so much, and have never talked about it, I’ve found my answers and now I can’t talk about it. And everyone I could have talked to about it didn’t want me.
always through some abstraction. everything I..sort of.have to be. So.. even if it keeps me alone, I’ll have to express it through some abstraction. But I just..I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore I want a friend like me. I chased myself my entire life and I found myself but I’m still—I don’t know if I’m enough! Because even if the reason I was so attracted to others like me was just because I wanted to find myself, I still also wanted that companionship.
I want to share what I am, with someone like me, and I know also! That that might not be possible! That we’d repel each other in our being, or something! I just.. I want the chance!
I don’t want to be alone in this , I don’t want to be alone at all, anymore..
