This is why sudden goodbyes were utterly unbearable, I had a friend I was obsessed with who flew to visit me and when she left I entered the worst depression I have ever experienced in my life. I think that might have been what triggered my psychotic depression actually. ..damn I didn’t know that. I survived by the frantic grace of my mania and creativity.

I have always been alone but being alone is impossible for me, so I fantasized about human connection because otherwise I’d die, either physically or spiritually— That emptiness is not survivable or tolerable to the human mind.

I’m probably still alive thanks to my clinging onto the idea that working towards a connection with whatever specific person is possible.

I don’t know how I’ve survived my life. [edit: through repression & suppression of needs] It’s been full of everything a person like me can’t experience without killing themselves. I want the miracle of someone seeing me and appreciating me for the work I’ve been able to put into my growth. I fantasize about being loved and accepted. I think everyone thinks I’m a worthless idiot. But that’s the trauma speaking, but everyone has viewed me that way. So at some point it just becomes reasonable suspicion. I don’t know if it’s reasonable suspicion.

I don’t know if the idea of being appreciated is ludicrous or not. My understanding of basic emotional needs is mush. I think the most painful thing I’ve been called is annoying. I don’t want people I love to think I’m worthless anymore because the thought of being left behind in the dark hole scares me so much. I don’t know if I am worthless. I don’t know if they’re right.

HOUSE OF WAX