Dreamer

Our conditioning is literally the past that we carry everywhere we go. What about my narrative needs changing? My heart is so cold and disconnected, my mind runs rampage as my heart’s wire hangs out of my chest.  The path to self love hurts and its massive to take responsibility for all this pain that we are constantly learning about everyday. The weight of my life feels heavy thats because my life is bleeding out loose ends and lack of direction.  I’m afraid to let people in, and I never thought the day I would be ice cold was the day I realised that I need to speak freedom. The lies we tell ourselves to live a life being involved in the external and materialised society pulls ourselves away from clarity. The fight for survival is a crazy shift where we are constantly projecting pain and our inner world into the environment around us. A part of my fear of losing my freedom is the fear of being stuck in something that holds me back. The amount of time we dedicate into asserting ourselves into an environment that doesn’t align with our inner development. Its crazy the wheels are always turning yet we are so caught up in the world around us that we don’t know what we want. We disconnect due to lack of clarity and awareness.  The path to healing is incredibly hard, and I fear losing my freedom. A part of me is given up when I don’t make decisions that align with my values. The truth is, true love is free and flows like water. I truly believe that, love is a constant study of ourselves and how we coexist our inner worlds to the external world.  I know my mind is chaotic, a never ending chain of many thoughts. My heart and mind runs its own whirlpool of a race for my mind seeks to figure itself out.  Living your own life is something we all struggle to do, yet the polarity of both extremities is our deep and genuine desire to keep moving forward with the best of intentions. Yet a lifetime of pain to digest for the souls bottomless pit of darkness. I know I hide in the shadows, my indecisiveness and vagueness is truthfully my insecurities of been seen in a way that feels out of reach. Not being able to recognise myself scares me, and why constantly searching for self love and acceptance is key to living my life unapologetically. I am grateful my profession has been a platform for spiritual growth and development. I must recognise that my healing has been deeply reflected by my challenges in the gym as well as my passion. I realise a part of me gets lost in the image of survival, to be suffocatingly strong all the time fills up a heart overweight and weak. For my empathy and emotional sensitives desire an expressive outlet of extension of self. I need to feel understood, mostly by myself. I have a lot of healing to do, there is a world of amazing people out there I could connect with. Yet I am stunned by the cycle of my own conditioning of pain.  My cold heart is a byproduct of disappointment and pain. I feel the older we get, the less patience we have and I hope that we have the patience to love when needed for ourselves and others. For all the times I thought I understood what love was, there is something so painful about choosing yourself every single time. Setting boundaries with people and committing to your safety and security. That’s hard, I find this action to be misunderstood by many people, the conflict hurts me as I acknowledge that people make choices that is a projection of pain and control. Oh, how unaware we truly are to identify that love must be free to makes its choice on where to go in life. Love is a breath of fresh air, the tides of the waves and the roots in your garden. The freedom to coexist with your environment has been demonstrated by nature, for we are natural beings. Completely alienated from who, how and why we are/feel in this life time. The structural system to life pulls us away from our authenticity that freedom and growth truly feels lonely. For we desire to build a life of presence and fulfilment.  Environment and survival - our humanness is constantly challenged by many paradoxes. Our systematic needs as a human is a very different fight for survival when our inner and external/materialistic world collides. We must coexist in a set of external rules for our inner world is unique to our own.  The beauty of love and connection and how you can grow with your environment as you feel connected to your inner beliefs and remain present with emotions and reality.  Emotional baggage is often carried everywhere we go, known as our conditioning. I acknowledge my lack of journalling and inner digging has resulted to spiritual disconnection. I know I have healing to do and my environment needs change. I will create space for more healing and connecting with my world.

I can feel time fly by fast but I truly want to ground myself. I’m obsessed with this girl, she’s awesome, she’s different, she’s no one like I’ve ever been with before. I find myself constantly daydreaming about her, and when I see her, I am lost in a gaze of her beauty. She’s truly beautiful and I know she has a wonderful soul. I can feel my heart light on fire, and a part of me is taking this super slow. Not that I can commit fast anyways, I know that with my maturity, age and experience. Maintaining my independence in every department of my life is very important to me. However she does grow to be part of my life, is going to be a journey I have no intention of rushing in. I am intrigued by her thoughts, the way she feels and the way she smiles. There is so much to learn about her that I thoroughly want to dip my heart into understanding every detail about her, nice and slowly. Again, I am not in any rush, and I feel myself taking things differently this time. I truly I want to absorb the small details about her, details like... her values, her insecurities, her emotions, the things that make her happy. I want to understand her completely and in every way I will allow myself to slow burn with discipline. The flame in my heart is contained and I prefer to keep it that way. She may not understand me yet and thats okay, I know that she wants to, I know that she likes me. Patience is the only way with me and in general. I truly believe you have to be if you want to make things last. Discipline is everything to me, I want to grow and make deep and meaningful connections. I ride the wave of going with the flow, for as much as she may be logical, planning and thoughtful. The dance between mystery and reality is a tango - I’d love to dance all night with her all over again and again. I want her, and theres many things I can say directly to tell her how I feel. A part of me is very patient, I am proud of myself for coming this far. I want this to be real, I want to be grounded with genuine intention, in every aspect of my life.

“This is what happens in these codependent relationships. The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging.“ I’ve done so much study on this. I have so much clarity. I have built my self esteem and awareness and I continue to do so. Truthfully the more I unravel, the more I grow. The more I heal, the more I learn from these experiences.  “The reason is that if there’s a boundary issue then you will fear the loss of that cross-responsibility for one another. If there’s not a boundary issue, i.e., you’re doing it as a gift without expectations, then you’re OK with the repercussions of not doing it. A person with strong boundaries is not afraid of a temper tantrum, an argument, or getting hurt. A person with weak boundaries is terrified of it.”  “A person with strong boundaries understands that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100% and fulfill every need the other has. A person with strong boundaries understands that they may hurt someone’s feelings sometimes, but ultimately they can’t determine how other people feel. A person with strong boundaries understands that a healthy relationship is not controlling one another’s emotions, but rather each partner supporting each other in their growth and path to self-actualization”

Closure is so incredibly powerful. I would rather fight knowing I spoke my truth, than to fight dead air. Not every loss is a loss. It doesn’t mean that the other person is ‘good or bad’, its okay to be different and to have differences. We can never let our past jeopardise our future. Its not fair to hold peoples past version of themselves against them. The danger of only thinking black and white means you lose grey area. It almost sounds like splitting, similarly to borderline personality disorder. Not being able to keep an open mind and quick to judge. Quick to label ‘good and bad’ - to me I believe thats a very weak mindset. It’s important to understand people have differences, can carry different opinions, different feelings (that also indicates to boundaries). Because if a person had boundaries, they’d understand that people have differences. A person of principle can show and give respect by active listening, understanding peoples differences, allowing the other person to explain themselves without judgement. Allowing curiosity and open mindedness to enter the chat. Working in my industry for 5 years, I’ve spent a lot of my time analysing people, showing compassion and genuine care. I desire to be with a strong independent and ambitious woman who accepts me, has an open mind, spiritual, intellectual, driven, has EQ and social skills. I desire to be with a person who can keep up with my intellectual and emotional pace in life. Who isn’t going to be showered by insecurities because I encourage change and progress. People change when they’re ready. I’m ready to change and grow everyday. An insecure person will only feel attacked and defensive if they haven’t worked on themselves. Thats the sad reality of some people. They never change. Its a shame how people still respond with the same social and emotional conditioning of their environment. Lack the individual skills and courage to think independently and freely. Those are so focused on responding on how they think they should, opposed to what they really mean. People pleasing is also another form of manipulation, the inability to speak truthfully. The truth is, we need to speak our truth despite our differences. I am single, I have grown so fucking much. This shackles of bullshit insecure conditioning from my ex is broken. I am more assertive about what I want. I’m more outspoken, I have genuine standards about what I want. I am able to qualify, address and communicate clearer. I am not here to jump into any stupid relationships, I am not ready. However, I have developed a better understanding of my sense of self worth, my values, the concept of respect and boundaries. I am excited to take my fitness career to the next level. I am excited to take my bartending skills to the next level. I am disciplined because I value freedom. I will work hard, I always have been. This is my pace in life, and I desire so much fucking better. 

Little do people know how much I really reveal about myself. I have a dual personality, I adapt to environments and mirror others. I talk to people for a living. I camouflage in different social settings. I thrive in social jobs, I am driven by purpose and I inspire others to seek change. I have always been able to nurture this side of me in my professional environment. For that I am very grateful for all I have built for myself up until now. The downfall of being adaptable and compassionate is that very little people understand me. I often spend time adapting to people, putting peoples best interest first. Listening to others, developing curiosity in topics that best interest others. I seek compatibility in all social settings.  I have a very strong sense of self. I am aware of the responsibility of my personality, I will always need the time to recharge and to process things.  “I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person” - Olivia Wilde To understand me, is to understand that I live in a very chaotic mind. A restless mind who breathes endless curiosity in understanding human psychology. I am a deep and intellectual thinker. I am sensitive to the emotions of others, I am caring and compassionate. Its interesting how our environment really influences us. One of the topics I’ve been diving into is ‘individualism’. Individualism: “the right of the individual to freedom and self-realization” I truly respect people who can think for themselves. Often I see too many people swayed by their environment. To me, this equates to strength. Your own self worth, values and principles. Humans often fall short delivering what we need for others due to not enough time being spend learning how to be alone. This can be dangerous in romantic relationships. We all have a responsibility to our own self esteem. Its crazy how many people are defensive, protective of their ego and how often people project themselves onto others. Realise this sooner and remove yourself. It’s nothing personal at the end of the day.  Know what you want and communicate what you want. There is nothing more attractive than genuine confidence. We would all be better communicators if we spent more time figuring out what we want or what we need out of life.  Know when to walk away. One of the lessons I’ve learned later in life is that no matter how much you want change. It will never be at the pace desired. Find someone who can keep up with your pace in life. We all truly deserve this.  ‘A value of discipline means you respect yourself and your time. You set goals and you stick to them. Ultimately, someone who values discipline also values the freedom that such discipline brings”

I’ve been crying for a few mornings in a row now. A few things I’d like to address if anything many things need to be unravelled. My heart and life are disconnected and I must draw connection and love in my external and internal life.  I’m 26 - and I always like to start with my age because it grounds me to where I am in the present. Ironically your age doesn’t identify nor mean shit. Although to me, I am afraid of going backwards in life and will do everything in my power to stop... or will I? I’m not so sure - and I can’t be so confident that I can deal with it all on my own because I’m not. Its not the fact that I’m alone or I’m lonely. Surely, I have moments where I feel that about myself. I deserve to be happy, and I need to use my space wisely to heal and recover. Healing - from what exactly? A 3 year relationship is a very long time. “The pain you’re feeling after the break up is probably the worst thing ever. But it also opens the door to something so much better.” No matter how much you keep occupied, numb yourself, distract yourself, hang with your friends, fuck around, detach, cry - nothing changes the fact that we all need to use our time wisely to heal.  When I mean heal, I mean... understanding why things ended. If you’re like me, passed that phase and I totally understand things ended for a reason. Its not necessary about the ‘ex’ more so ‘self’ because the time you’ve spent with that person shapes you into who you are today. Ironically its through your past experiences, allowing things to fall apart before they fall into place. Truthfully we were very stagnant towards the end. I lost my desire to be deeply intimate, I felt suffocated and detached. I truly tried to make things work, listened to podcasts, attempted to journal. We did the best we could with the tools we were given at the current stage in our lives. I do genuinely miss love and intimacy. Which brings me to the next stage, or so point in my journey. Loneliness and/or emptiness. Its not about distracting myself in nature, or in work, on ranting to friends about life. Its about building a relationship with self again. Easier said than done, and I can admit that as much as I’ve done pretty good to keep moving forward. I could dig a little deeper - because I know I cannot live and breathe without love.  I gave so much love in the relationship, trying to make it work. I am grateful because truthfully she’s still very beautiful to me and I know that we deserve to be with people that bring our the best in ourselves.  I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason though I am still processing a valuable lesson in my life. I truly truly love very hard, I love love. I write poetry about love, I fantasise about love. No wonder its been a heavy blow however, I must be healing in order to build real self love. There is always something we can learn or teach from these experiences.  Intimate relationships are a special kind of experience. They can give us the most pleasure or bring us deep acute pain so its only fair that we live both paradoxes throughout the stage of this journey. Every relationship will experience difficulties once that starts happening it doesn’t make anyone a bad person it just grants important lessons for growth. We must choose how to react and understand that we are free to be ourselves, no one can force us to do anything. So it is a personal choice whether you want to face your inner demons or not. Embrace it and face your inner demons over and over again. Life will be giving us the same lessons over and over until we learn. So you can either choose to keep hiding in the shadows as if nothing has ever happened. You will likely find your next relationship to be an inconvenience and unless you decide to accept your lesson. This will become an inconvenience and will keep repeating over and over again in life. Some people live like this and it is their choice. Everyone has their own path to walk through and I need to respect that. It has taken me sometime to understand this.  If I wasn’t strong to face this pain, then I wouldn’t have been given this experience. With love there is pain and with every duality it is important to embrace the process.  Embrace it. Grow from it. I love you - I am proud of you.