Stay Wired!

My biological father, my abuser, is dying. Severe pneumonia and an absess in his teeth, two illnesses that he could've easily prevented if he actually cared about taking care of himself instead of whining to other people for pity points. My sister says they did all they could, but he's currently on a respirator and cannot breathe on his own.

On one hand, I'm "happy".

I've lived my entire life in fear of him. There was multiple times growing up where I thought either he would kill me or I'd kill myself because of him. He's beaten me to the point that I couldn't breathe, and made me feel like I was just a waste of time or a tool that he could use for sympathy. "Oh, look at my poor epileptic daughter! She has seizures everyday because I don't let her have her anti-convulsants on time! Don't you pity me for having to deal with her?"

The physical abuse my younger siblings had to endure was even worse, especially my brother. He would beat my little brother daily for the terrible crime of being born a boy, even though he told my mom he always wanted a boy. He would frame him for terrible things, like lying that he stole money from a family friend, and punish him for it.

And my brother still went to visit him.

My sister, she was the only reason we were able to get out of his house. She caught on that he was grooming one of her friends, forcing said friend to drink underage and preform sexual acts, so she went to a trusted adult that called the police on him.

And my sister still went to visit him.

I don't really understand it. What closure are you going to get? He can't speak to you. He probably still thinks everything he did was justified.

Why do I want some sort of closure? I just want him dead.

I.

Just.

I'm confused.

"A promising young man with some mental issues", the judge called him. What bullshit. He was a rapist. An abuser. A pedophile. He doesn't deserve to have anyone there to support him.

His own mother despises him, because he stole her money and threw her out of her own house. His sister never talks to him. His father was never around. Why should I have to be there?

But I know deep down HE wants me to be there. Because I was his fucking FAVORITE. His "ONLY DAUGHTER". HIS "REAL DAUGHTER".

THE SAME DAUGHTER THAT HE LEFT TO CRY IN HER HIGHCHAIR FOR HOURS ON END BECAUSE HE WAS TOO LAZY TO PUT HER TO BED. THE SAME DAUGHTER HE WOULD BEAT OVER SO MUCH AS BREATHING WRONG. THE SAME DAUGHTER HE WILLING GAVE BRAIN DAMAGE SO PEOPLE WOULD GIVE HIM MONEY FOR BEER. THE SAME DAUGHTER THAT HE PROBABLY WOULD'VE GROOMED NEXT.

I am not his daughter. He is nothing to me. The only thing we have in common is the same eyes and same last name.

AND I HATE THAT ALL OF THIS IS CAUSING ALL OF MY TRAUMA TO COME BACK FULL FORCE.

WHY DO THEY WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM? WE WOULD PROBABLY BE DEAD IF WE STAYED WITH HIM. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

AND WHY DO I STILL WANT ANSWERS WHEN I KNOW HE CAN'T GIVE ME ANY?