altering euphonies

Some things, once you’ve loved them, become yours forever. And if you try to let them go, they only circle back and return to you. They become a part of who you are, or they destroy you.

You are not clingy, or needy, or silly for having needs for affection and affirmation and attention within a romantic relationship. Those needs aren’t an embarrassing outgrowth of your low-self esteem or depression or whatever messy emotional issues you may have going on, that’s just basic shit that people need from each other. We of course should not make our partners responsible for meeting all of our emotional needs – it’s not someone’s else’s job to make you happy. But inside a healthy relationship, being able to show affection, pay attention, and demonstrate “you are amazing and important to me” is a pleasure, not some task or burden.

Hold my fucking hand, loser. We’re using the buddy system for the rest of our lives.

I left you because I couldn’t handle it anymore- the empty eyes, the blank expressions, the way you talk about everything like it’s nothing. I’d never felt more alone than I did when I was with you. You thought I left out of boredom? I left out of loneliness. I needed someone to love me, and you never could.

I wanted the past to go away, I wanted to leave it, like another country; I wanted my life to close, and open like a hinge, like a wing, like the part of the song where it falls down over the rocks: an explosion, a discovery; I wanted to hurry into the work of my life; I wanted to know, whoever I was, I was alive for a little while.

Nah I just gotta spit this at you right quick. Why should you apologize for the monster you’ve become when nobody apologized for creating the monster that you are. But the serious answer to that is because you make monsters too. And that apology you never got is the apology you never gave. It ain’t even about me. But every single time a person ever done you wrong, and any shit part of your life, you gotta realise that you can’t control that. The only thing you can control is your own self. The only power that you have is to make another persons world better. And no it ain’t power to make a persons world worse. Anybody can step on a bug. And you best believe something is gonna make that persons life bad without you. No the only power you have is your capacity to be a better person than anyone has been to you.

I began to draw an invisible boundary between myself and other people. No matter who I was dealing with. I maintained a set distance, carefully monitoring the person’s attitude so that they wouldn’t get any closer. I didn’t easily swallow what other people told me. My only passions were books and music.

I kinda miss being drunk. The kind of drunk wherein I won’t give a fuck on how much you’re going to hurt me. Pinch my skin a lot of times, put some ice inside my shirt, drag me out of the bed because I’m feeling woozy, I wouldn’t care ‘cause I know I won’t feel anything. Everything that you’re going to do with me won’t be as painful as it’s gonna be whenever I’m sober. So if you’re planning to leave me out of nowhere, tell it to me when I’m drunk as fuck so I wouldn’t remember the pain that you are going to imprint on me and what it’s like to be left by someone you love the most.

Maybe happiness didn’t have to be about the big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures. Wearing slippers and watching the Miss Universe contest. Eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Getting to level seven in Dragon Master and knowing there were twenty more levels to go. Maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks- the traffic signal that said “Walk” the second you go there- and downticks- the itch tag at the back of your collar- that happened to every person in the course of the day. Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. maybe it didn’t matter if you were a world-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. Maybe it didn’t matter if your friend was possibly dying. Maybe you just got through it. Maybe that was all you could ask for.

“Don’t let yourself just be a comfort food for somebody that he just grabs and takes a bite when he’s down. Go be someone’s favorite food that he craves every single time.”

I hate the fact that some people are afraid to take a risk on me because they always say that I’m too good to be true and that’s what I hate about myself. I hate it when they see that I’m too good for them and they’ll think that they are going to be bad for me. Well fuck cos I also have my dark sides but I just learned how and when to show it. I may be too good but I could also be too bad. This is why I want some people to see the bad in me and still think that I’m good. Not people who always see the good things in me and still think the bad things that I do are still good. Fuck, no. I want you to understand when I’m being good or bad. I want you to know the difference on that. I don’t think there’s really someone who’s too good for you. Hell, if he or she’s too good for you then maybe go make it up to her or him and make everyone around you see that you deserve her because you’re trying to be better for her to deserve her. That’s the risk the I’m talking about. I’m not too good. I will never be too good. Maybe I’m just really different with the way I treat people that I love cos when I love — I love deep. I will deeply cherish you in any way possible. Probably, in a way you couldn’t and wouldn’t imagine that someone’s willing to do this and that for you. I don’t know. I just want to be loved by the person that I love and I just want that person to take a risk on me.

'cause every single fucking time you tell a lie, i stupidly turn a blind eye.