god put me on this world and said “let this dumbass roam”

I never should’ve taught my parrot how to laugh it’s given him far too much power

do you know how embarrassing it is to have a pet that can laugh at you? I dropped my ice cream and wailed in despair and my parrot zoomed out of nowhere JUST so he could stand on the couch and laugh at me. I’m being called a dumb bitch in my own home by my OWN SON.

why the FUCK does squidward have fingers

i feel like im in the sims where it takes 5 hours to make pasta and then u have to immediately go to bed

me getting my heart ripped out of my chest: okay first off, mood,

oh this is my goldfish his name is wet little bitch

time flies when u take a 2hr depression nap in the middle of the day

if i ever got sentenced to house arrest i’d just laugh at the judge