“I stopped expecting people to understand me when I realized I barely understand myself.”
d e v o n

⁂
Xuebing Du

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

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@wiltedverses
“I stopped expecting people to understand me when I realized I barely understand myself.”

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the body
they say god works in mysterious ways.
maybe that’s what the surgeon was—
a prophet with a scalpel,
preaching mercy through removal.
they tell me i’m healed,
but my body whispers otherwise.
it remembers blood and begging,
the hush of anesthesia,
the slow unmaking of a woman.
i used to pray for children.
now i light candles for the parts of me
they took in the name of salvation.
my womb, my faith, my softness—
all laid out on a stainless-steel altar.
the doctors called it surgery.
i call it exorcism.
they carved out the fever
but left the haunting behind.
sometimes i swear i hear a heartbeat
in my dreams—
something small, something mine,
trapped in the dark,
asking why i didn’t save it.
in another life,
i was meant to be a mother.
in this one,
i’m just the ghost of the idea.
it’s so painful to watch yourself grow cold, bitter, and resentful, even toward small, irrelevant things, when all you’ve ever wanted was just to be warm, gentle, kind, and loving.
“Spring slips in quietly, painting the world in soft greens and second chances, as if to say, ‘you don’t have to rush—just begin.’”
“I learned to say ‘I’m sorry’ like a reflex—not because I was hit, but because silence was just as heavy, and I never knew which words might shatter the peace.” - unlocked memories

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“I search for the person I used to be, but all I find are echoes—faint whispers of someone I no longer recognize, buried beneath the weight of everything I’ve lost.”
“One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.” — Unknown
“Even the most beautiful words can wither, but their echoes remain.” -unknown

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