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1. Seek to focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want: A mistake we tend to make when we’re faced with a problem is to think and talk about it all the time - instead of focusing our thinking on what we want instead.

2. Recognise that every problem comes with a lesson: There’s a lesson to be learned from all that happens to us. We can become a better person - even when things have gone wrong.

3. Don’t believe everything you think: Our problems aren’t as big as the mind tries to convince us. Don’t believe all those negative and self-defeating thoughts.

4. Choose to be grateful in everything: Although it’s hard to be grateful when things are going wrong, we can usually find something we can be grateful for - and the more we choose gratitude, the happier we’ll feel.

5. Let go of your need for perfection: If you try to be perfect in everything you do, you will always feel you’re failing, and you’ll live with constant stress. Do you best – as perfection’s not a realistic goal.

6. Let go of your resistance: Accept things as they are - you don’t always have to change them. Life’s not meant to be a struggle, or a constant battle ground.

Contrast of elegant dress and whip

Help! My husband asked me to try chastity play but it’s not going well. Usually, right after I’ve let him out, things are fine. He can be a little cool toward me but that’s fine. But then over the next two days he grows steadily whinier until his begging to be unlocked is intolerable. Not much fun for me or him. I never tell him exactly when I’ll do it, but I almost always take pity on him in the evening on the third or fourth day and let him out to take care of himself. The whole thing has been a bit of a letdown. Is this what everyone is raving about? Surely not.

- Ms. M

No, Ms. M, it’s not and I dare say it’s because…

YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

Okay, there’s no such thing as right and wrong with intimacy, just different tactics that will yield different results. The tactics you’re using are not aligned with the very achievable results you seek.

Traffic Jam Chastity

Don’t you hate idling in a traffic jam? The worst isn’t standstill traffic. The worst is traffic that is moving just slow enough so that you can’t leave your foot on the gas because you have to keep braking every five seconds. Starting and stopping in crowded traffic is enough to send any driver to road rage court. But that is exactly what you’re doing to your husband.

After a man orgasms his sexual response and interest drop precipitously to their lowest levels. We’ve all seen it. Interest in sex evaporates. Romance and flirting get shoved roughly in a drawer and the male brain hunkers down to git stuf dun.

But, as we know, those rascally males don’t stay heads-down for long. Within 24 hours the sexual response begins to slowly return as the prostate refills. He barely notices it at first but by the second and third days it has taken over his one-tracked mind and he’s getting pretty ready for some luvin’. Shouldn’t that mean you should give it to him? Give him some relief?

Days 2 and 3 are the most irritating for a man

No! Let me explain why not. Days 2 and 3 are the most irritating phase of chastity for a man. Why? For the same reason day 3 of any diet is the most temptation prone and why it eliminates so many dieters. He’s transitioning from getting exactly what his body demands to not. It’s an uncomfortable change and the body doesn’t like it. Every five minutes his body asks “Wait, wut? You mean I can’t have? Why can’t I have? I need! Give me now!” Frustration and irritation mount and, if you do let him orgasm, he will experience immediate relief.

The Goldilocks Phase

Relief is not pleasure. Relief is not useful. Relief, his relief, is not your friend. It lets him off the hook and unravels all that nice tension you just wound into his brain. If you want to experience the benefits of chastity and you want your husband to be floating on the fabled submissive cloud of chaste pleasure then you need to get him past the constant battle for relief and into the Goldilocks Phase.

Sometime after day 4, depending on the man, his body will slowly start to realize that an orgasm is not imminent and therefore it’s a waste of resources to keep expecting relief at any minute. This may take hours or days but he will eventually stabilize into acceptance. Not just mental, but physical acceptance. This is where you want his head.

In the Goldilocks Phase, his expectations have been lowered enough to stop fighting chastity but not so low that he gets depressed. In this phase he is free to simply experience chastity, to experience the sensation of ever growing arousal and ever intensifying desire. For men, desire is pleasure. This will be a sweet sensation that never stops, made just a little bittersweet by occasional waves of overwhelming need. (Don’t worry about those They pass quickly.)

Goldilocks is best for you too

It’s not just him that rides this wave. You benefit most in this period. Rather than spending time fighting chastity and pestering you, his only way out and only listening ear, he spends his time in quiet contemplation. It is this phase that he switches to the long game. Instead of busting out a couple of chores and expecting a tit-for-tat release, he begins to consider the keyholder’s point of view, her needs and her whims. He finds himself doing things that he knows she’ll appreciate and he hardly even notices that he’s doing them. He truly puts her first.

But you need to do it right

But for him to take that view you need to play above his level. Chastity must reinforce the dynamic you want. That means the following:

You never promise a date. You can hint at early release for good behavior or late release for bad, but he must never expect an actual date or time.

You must never cave to begging. He may ask politely once or twice during a stretch of chastity and, if you wish, you may give his request some consideration. But once your decision is made you must stick to it no matter what. I recommend that further begging result in a longer sentence.

Behavior should be tied to chastity. Don’t reward bad behavior. If you do you’re just teaching him he can do it and get the rewards.

How Long? Three-to-four weeks

The Goldilocks Period is about three to four weeks long. During this period he will slowly get more and more aroused, experience more and more submissive feelings toward you and become more and more malleable by you.

That long? I couldn’t possibly!

To some who are starting out, weeks of lockup might seem cruel. Believe me, it’s not as cruel as what you are doing to him by letting him out every three days, stop and go, hot and cold, up and down. If your doctor prescribed a 20-day course of antibiotics would you stop taking them after three days when you started feeling better? No. The same goes with the man. To get all those benefits you need to keep him locked for the full course. I would say that’s at least two weeks (in the case of some reward for extra good behavior) but usually three weeks. And up to four (in the case of bad behavior).

How will you know? He will thank you.

How will you know that you’re keeping him locked up long enough? He will thank you. That’s right, he will actually thank you for keeping him locked up. It might not happen right away. It might take several rounds, several months for his thinking to evolve but it surely will. I’ve done this to hundreds of men, some in person some online. Every single one of them proactively thanks me at some point. There are other signs as well. Aggressiveness toward you will disappear. Calm, quiet service to you will develop spontaneously. After the letdown of orgasm he will actually crave to go back in chastity. He’ll miss that glow so much he’ll want to skip past the next three days so he can get it. Eventually he’ll reach the point that he doesn’t want to be unlocked when the time rolls around. At that point you can have the magical discussion about… wait for it… permanent chastity. That, however, is a discussion for another day.