surviving on the warm fuzzy feelings

Chapter 11 - The Only Way Out Is Through

“But it wasn’t his fault, Evan!” Rodney protested as he set a bowl of chicken and dumplings at the kitchen table, sitting next to him.

“I don’t know, Rodney,” Evan shook his head in disbelief, “It may be hard for you to accept this but…the Hoffan drug was created by him. He came up with the retrovirus and even after it almost killed Sheppard, he kept it around and shot a Wraith up with it. Wiped his memory – twice. He didn’t use good judgment or sound ethical practices with his theories and –”

“Shut up!” Rodney screamed, pointing a finger in Evan’s face, “You just, just shut up! You don’t know what you’re saying. Carson wouldn’t hurt anyone…not on purpose. He’s a victim, dammit! The Hoffan drug wasn’t finished. Michael…it was working and then it took a wrong turn somewhere. How dare you say it was Carson’s fault! He tried to save Teyla! Dammit, Evan! I…I trusted you! How can you be so, so heartless? Can’t you see he’s being hard enough on himself as it is?”

“You finished?” Evan’s face grew grim and he crossed his arms.

“For now…” Rodney blinked back tears and he stared into his soup, stirring it with a spoon, refusing to look into his eyes.

“Rodney, I’m not saying Carson got everyone killed on purpose. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t want anyone to get killed. But what I am saying is, it’s not a good idea to pretend none of this ever happened, sweep it under the rug and act like everything’s all rainbows and sunshine. He’s gonna internalize the things that he’s responsible for and it’s gonna eat him alive if he doesn’t talk about it.

“Why do you think I was on bed rest recently? I didn’t want to face the reality of my own mistakes and it ate away at me. I lost Teyla and Sheppard. I could’ve talked Ronon into staying with us. But I didn’t even try. You left and I didn’t talk to you about any of it before you did. I’ve acknowledged my part in all this and I have a lot to make up for. Carson is trying to get out his feelings about what happened and you’re not letting him.”

Evan stared at Rodney, seeming at a loss to say anything else. Rodney continued to glare at his soup, not wanting to look him in the eye.

“You’re wrong, Evan. Carson didn’t kill anyone…ever. Accidentally or otherwise. He couldn’t. He’s Carson. He’s a doctor. He’s my best friend and…he saved my life and everyone else’s countless times. I…I can’t sit here and listen to you say this about him. He’s not a murderer.”

Ronon: "The enzyme side effects are going to be the least of his concerns if he keeps this up."

John: "I know. Just be patient."

Ronon: "Historically, that hasn't been a strength for me."

John: "I know."

Next thing you know John and Teyla are on a mission with Ford's guy, leaving Rodney and Ronon alone in the hideout. Ronon pushes Rodney against the wall and kisses him. Hard.

Rodney pushes him off: "Ronon, stop! We can't do this now! we're all hopped up on the enzyme."

Ronon, thinking a minute, lets him go: "Alright, fine. When we're out of here and not on the enzyme anymore. Okay?"

Rodney: "Yeah, okay, good."

Ronon: "Okay."

Ford: "What are you guys doing in here?"

Rodney and Ronon, very high small voice: "um, nothing."