Mental Health Awareness Week UK ( My story)
I should preface this novel by mentioning that I get a number of messages online from people suffering with mental health issues. I appreciate you reaching out to me and I’m proud of you for having the courage to use your voice and ask for help and guidance, it’s the first step. Talking about it and sharing what you’re experiencing is the first step to opening the blinds in the darkened room and letting the light in. Go you! I’m sharing here because it’s Mental Health Awareness Week in the U.K and I want to stand in solidarity with my friends, family and followers. It’s ok not to feel ok, but you don’t have to all the time.
My own experience with mental health issues started when I was quite young, maybe six or seven. The first panic attack I remember having was in an ASDA car park, it was a sunny day and I was wearing a white t shirt with blue jeans. I hopped down off my booster seat and got out of the car, waiting for my Mum away from the traffic. As I looked at the store I felt a tightening in my chest. It felt like my lungs weren’t filling up properly, I felt confused, disorientated and panicked because I had no idea why I couldn’t breathe. At the time I didn’t know how to process it so I looked down at my body, I saw my belly poking out the way little kids bellies do and tried to watch my breathing, I ran my fingers along the waistband of my jeans. “I can’t breathe properly Mummy my jeans are too tight” She took my hand and said it’s ok don’t worry, we will get them fixed, the tailor can make them fit you better or we can get you a new pair. I remember taking a few more bewildered steps and we got on with our day.
This continued in to my teens. I would regularly “get low blood sugar” and become faint and breathless. There was no pattern, it didn’t care where I was or what I was doing, it didn’t care if I was at dinner with polite company or at a gig, or alone. I would feel it start and in my head I would begin pleading with it to go back down, not here FFS please not here, not at this table in this room with these people noooooooo!!!!! I learned to excuse myself and go sit down on the floor of the nearest bathroom or better yet outside and just wait it out.
When I’m not in the experience and I think about how it goes down it’s kind of amazing, everything is louder, my eyes see this glittery stuff and no matter how hard I try I can’t regain access to my body. I’ve exited and am hovering above, watching everything with this clarity. I feel freezing cold but also like I’m in the Sahara and I need to take all my clothes of immediately or I may burst in to flames… 🤷🏻♀️ What is that ya know ? Human body magic tricks.
Anyways, when I was 17 it all got a little much. The dizzy spells, sleeping problems, fatigue and stomach issues. They tested me for Chrones disease, thyroid issues, diabetes, candida, cancer, aids, underlying STD’s, pregnancy, you name it they tested. But not once was I asked how I felt psychologically, was there a history of anxiety, depression or mental illness in the family. The answer would’ve been “actually…not good at all” and yes. Very yes but we don’t talk about it or acknowledge it as a possible cause of certain behaviours and symptoms (for the most part that has now thankfully changed)
There was no conclusion to any of the tests and unfortunately my anxiety and depression was not diagnosed. I developed an eating disorder which travelled with me in to my twenties along with the aforementioned. I was feeling very alone during this time, I wrote constantly documenting my experience and many of those lines ultimately became my smash hit song Magnetic, in case you ever wondered.
I went back to the doctor for my ED and was shocked to find that due to me not being dangerously underweight, like hospital thin, I was not able to receive treatment for my ED and because my clothes and hair were clean and I hadn’t yet made an attempt at suicide or “serious” self harm I was not able to receive treatment for accompanying depression and anxiety. If I had walked in to the doctors office looking the part of someone who is suffering with mental illness I would’ve received treatment. Because I looked ok to the doctors, I was not mentally ill and did not qualify for mental health treatment.
This happens everyday, I’ve seen it happen to friends and loved ones. We’ve lost people or watched them slowly fade. Young, old, male, female. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate so why on earth do we when treating it or even discussing it?
I now have a therapist who has helped me tremendously in realising how to love myself, be myself, accept myself and acknowledging my truth and my experiences both good and bad. Anxiety is a thing, it’s not a part of me. I wasn’t born with it, I learned it. Reaching out for help, honesty and self care, self acceptance, self love …..they’re my dragon slayers! Hey guess what guys, I was my knight in shining armour! Sure I have my moments but they are shorter, less frequent, they are manageable, I know what they are so I can work with them! I’m happier than ever before and I feel like my life has finally begun, age 28.
I understand that everyone has different stuff, some of you may have pathological conditions, some of you not. I can’t speak for any of you or give you medical advice. All I can do is encourage you to reach out if you think there is something wrong, if you are struggling to cope or are feeling alone or hopeless, if something feels a little off. There’s Facebook groups, charities, blogs, forums, helplines, there’s a lot of places for us to go. I have found in person groups very helpful and some Facebook groups too, I will post links below.
MIND mental health charity: https://www.mind.org.uk/
Over Eaters Anonymous (for anyone using food, not just over eaters): http://www.oagb.org.uk/
SANE Mental Health Charity: http://www.sane.org.uk/ SANE helpline: 03003047000
Here is the UK board of registered Psychotherapists, this is where I found my therapist: https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
dededos
gummygunk
areudirty
pixelskylines
kaledo-art