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I want off this ride lmaooooo fml

my blood sugar is in the pits of hell and there is nothing I can do about it

2 things that brought me immense comfort when I got home today: my wonderful and talented service dog and my boyfriend's hoodie. I am but a simple creature.

thank goodness cause the state of my place was starting to make my eye twitch 😂 winter wasn't physically that hard this year (relatively speaking) but my ability to make myself do responsible adult things apart from going to work was in the negatives in a big way

you were washing dishes, the coffee cups and morning plates

thin white curtain lazily played in the breeze, gentle, Montréal whispering her city sounds through the cracked window

I pulled you close and pressed my cheek between your shoulder blades, closed my eyes, drank you in.

"...that never happened to me before"

(you told me nearly a year later)

the hesitation in your dish washing wasn't that I interrupted you, like I'd assumed

you were taking in the experience

you were letting yourself be loved

and unbeknownst to me

but in essence I think I want to reframe how I judge if things are "working" and stop falling into strange societal norms/expectations of what relationships are based on objectively kind of unimportant milestones and more about how I actually experience the other person and how they experience me and what the relationship is actually giving me

for example I feel a lot more safety and loyalty within the "unofficial" status I have with my current lover than I would being official with someone else because the trust is really there and an active discussion and a constantly renewed commitment to exclusivity vs a one and done assumption on paper

married people get cheated on all the time. It isn't about the display of commitment. It's about the effort and time and open and transparent and honest communication that doesn't seek to spare anyone's feelings or hide anything for convenience that makes something real and trustworthy.

I'm feeling increasingly grateful for the latter vs the former even though I told myself I wanted flashy outward commitment milestones for most of my life.

I'm learning to appreciate what I actually have vs the fantastic notions I was raised to want.

I am not being cut down to size, controlled, verbally abused, emotionally stunted or anything other than encouraged, appreciated, affirmed and cared for here and I think I would be a fool to want for more.