disappear with me

i don’t want to explain my thoughts or feelings to anyone. i don’t want the challenge of understanding myself so well i can articulate that to someone else. there’s something inherently uncomfortable about explaining the things about yourself you don’t want explained.

i do however want the embrace of someone who knows my every flaw and still thinks i deserve that intimacy. i want someone who knows my inner workings: my anxieties, the struggles i keep to myself, all secrets. i want someone to lay bare all the things i want no one else to see and i want them to love me anyway.

im the comedic relief with no comedy

im the quirky romantic interest with no interest in romance

im the main character with no plot relevance

im a walking vessel for wasted teenage potential. no movie romance, no sneaking out, no desperate rebellion, no first kiss in the rain. i flick through my phone sick with envy. i lay in my bed sick with sadness. a scratch at my skin sick with pain. 

a foggy entity with no real identity, no sense of self, no direction in life. am i missing out or did the movies lie? are the thrills of after school hangouts, arguments with parents, finding yourself and having a school summer love only meant for fiction. 

is life really about feeling too old at sixteen. feeling too weird. too much yet also too little. my whole lifes ahead of me but this is the pinchile, the golden days, the ‘best years of your life’, where the sense of responsibility is unknown and the world is yours for the taking, where the stories you’ll tell your kids are born and lifelong friendships are formed. the ‘good old days’ you and those friends will reminisce about. 

is it a restless spirt wailing, or distant cars, creatures of the night or swaying trees

i find the idea of dying very uncomfortable. what happens? is it cut to black? do we start over? do we become new life?

human beings are so complicated, we’re bundles of emotions, complex thoughts, relationships. can something so complex really just end?

were humans ever meant to be this complicated?‌ we started as animals, simple and instinctive. are we destined to all end as simply as humanity started?

this is something every person has to come to terms with. one day you realise how fleeting life is and open yourself up to sleepless nights and a sinking feeling deep in your stomach. some take comfort in religion or the idea of an afterlife. i’d love to but i struggle to find something i feel is worth genuinely believing in. they’re fun idea’s, yes, but none of them are trustworthy enough to put real faith into.