wish you were here

“Dad, why aren’t we allowed to go outside?” your daughter asks one day. But she already knows. There is no outside anymore.

then why the fuck did she ask

hmmmmmm…..

do you know how many bones the human body has? its 206. we start with 369 when we’re babies but they fuse. wouldn’t you want to go back? have as many bones as a baby? what if i could help you

hi yeah what the actual, literal, GENUINE fuck does this mean

My girlfriend is on a cruise so while she’s gone I’m gonna cut the sleeves off of all my shirts

why

She’s pretty much 85% of my impulse control

YA novel idea: in a world where everyone is born with a countdown with how many french fries they are allowed to eat before death, one young man (me) is born with an infinity symbol

He grows up thinking it’s an 8 so he never eats any fries. He’s teased and taunted by the High Fry kids. Then he eats his first fry on his 18th birthday. His number doesn’t change, but the rest of his world does…

first of all every woman in oceans 8 is gay so jot that down

a stylish accessory

who is she