Stay Scrumptious

I'm sorry you won't exist.

I tried to hold out hope for as long as I could, put on a brave face, and power forward, but the truth is... I'm a coward.

I don't have the energy to keep doing this to myself.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being tired.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I'm sorry. I genuinely am.

There have been so many times in my life where I wanted to end everything. Countless times of being at the top of a building or a bridge wanting to jump, sitting in my car wanting to go full speed at a wall, or staring down a bottle of pills. I have been hurt and depressed in more ways than I can even keep count of anymore. I wanted to die.

In hindsight, I am so happy I didn’t. I am so happy I found the strength to keep holding on. I am so happy to have found the faith to keep believing in better. I am so happy I have learned to love myself again.

I don’t want to date again.

I don’t want to fall in love again.

I don’t want to find “The One”.

It still hurts.

But a part of me still hopes that you’re out there.

And that you’ll find a way to reawaken

something inside of me.

Dear Future Lover,

If you're going to fall in love with me, here are some of the things you should know beforehand. I cry often, whether it's during a movie, a sad song on the radio, or a regular Sunday morning. I'll cry even when I speak of things that have hurt me, even if they no longer hurt. I'm afraid of being left and I'm afraid of not being good enough. I'll tell you the ways in which I hate myself and not believe a single word you say when you disagree with each and every reason. You can tell me you love me countless times, but I will always be afraid of you leaving me. Don't blame yourself though. I have to expect the worst because I always get the worst. But when I fall in love with you, I will love each crack in your skin and every freckle of light in your eyes. I will fall in love with the way you look while you're sleeping and the way your mouth curves when you say my name. I can be pretty difficult to love, but, for me, loving you will always be easy. All I ask is that you don't give up on me. And in return, I will never give up on you, and I will love you with my entire heart.

I don’t hate you. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

Just because I stopped waiting for you and hoping for you to come back, it doesn't mean I stopped loving you. I love you.

However, I have learned that I can't keep holding onto something that I don't have any assurance of. It only causes hurt and I need to live a happier and more peaceful life. I need to do this, not because of you, or even for you, but for myself.

So, if gaining the best of myself means letting your "maybes" go, then I have to be willing to do it. I have to grab this opportunity to grow, to recover all the time that I've lost, to discover new things, to create new relationships, to make wonderful memories, especially with my friends and my family, to achieve the things that are anticipating my arrival, and to become the man I've always wanted to be.

All the tears wept and problems faced were bridges to something more extravagant. All of the stories and wishes that we made, all of the plans we laid out for the future, and all of the good memories we collected, shared, and treasured. They're all pieces of us that no one can ever take away.

And yes, you left a mark on me that no one could ever replace. I'll forever love you for that. I'll love you in a way that accepts you as the person who changed me, who gave me the inspiration to make myself better than before, and to love myself even more. I'll love you for the friendship and companionship we've established and shared. I'll love you in a way that will still leave space for you, if we were to ever stumble across each other in 5, 10, or 20 years.