I don’t want to date again.

I don’t want to fall in love again.

I don’t want to find “The One”.

It still hurts.

But a part of me still hopes that you’re out there.

And that you’ll find a way to reawaken

something inside of me.

Dear Future Lover,

If you're going to fall in love with me, here are some of the things you should know beforehand. I cry often, whether it's during a movie, a sad song on the radio, or a regular Sunday morning. I'll cry even when I speak of things that have hurt me, even if they no longer hurt. I'm afraid of being left and I'm afraid of not being good enough. I'll tell you the ways in which I hate myself and not believe a single word you say when you disagree with each and every reason. You can tell me you love me countless times, but I will always be afraid of you leaving me. Don't blame yourself though. I have to expect the worst because I always get the worst. But when I fall in love with you, I will love each crack in your skin and every freckle of light in your eyes. I will fall in love with the way you look while you're sleeping and the way your mouth curves when you say my name. I can be pretty difficult to love, but, for me, loving you will always be easy. All I ask is that you don't give up on me. And in return, I will never give up on you, and I will love you with my entire heart.

I don’t hate you. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

I haven’t cried at all since she left. I figured it would come when I hit my absolute lowest point. That day, I didn’t cry. And when I didn’t hear from her for days afterwards and her never coming back started to become more of a reality than a fear, I didn’t cry. On the drive back home, after she returned my belongings and made it clear that what we had was over, I tried my hardest to cry, but not a single teardrop would fall from my face. I didn’t cry when I got back to my room and was all alone that night either. Maybe I had cried so much in the past that crying wasn’t possible anymore? Maybe. Except last night, it finally happened. I cried.

But it was weird… For once, I found myself crying, not over you, but over myself. Over how hard everything has been. Over how much I’ve struggled trying to actually make my life better this year. Over how close I kept getting pushed towards the ledge. And over how, one day, I’m gonna end up thanking myself for not giving up after everything that I’ve been through up to this point in my life. I don’t give myself enough credit for putting up with it all and I am so fucking proud of myself. I’ve honestly considered ending everything and taking my life so many times in the past, yet I’m still here.

All my friends today wanted to ask me how San Antonio was. “It was fine,” I tell them. It was anything but fine.

Yesterday, the closet thing I had to a meal was a bottle of strawberry melon juice and these candy chip things called caramel corn nuggets. Today’s meal made up for yesterday’s lack of one. I had baked macaroni, fried shrimp, mixed veggies, two smoothies, all kinds of chips, left over caramel corn nuggets, a burrito, and a Chipotle bowl and chips. So, I’m assuming my eating habits for now on will be either too much or too little.

I was given some advice yesterday that went something like, “You’re seriously the nicest guy I know, but maybe that’s your problem. You’re too fucking nice. It’s honestly why everyone at Fort Sam Houston loved you and why everyone here loves you. You’re the nicest guy I have ever met. But people always take advantage of and fuck over guys like you because they know you’re always gonna let them have their way and you’re still gonna be there in the end no matter what because that’s the kind of guy you are. So my advice, stop being so fucking nice! Learn to tell people no. Don’t bend over backwards trying to make them happy. Don’t let them control your life anymore. Stop giving a fuck. They’ll realize their mistakes soon enough.”

I should’ve listened. I was running for PT today when I noticed my friend started to fall behind. I jogged in place waiting for him, so I could help push and motivate him, when I mis-stepped and rolled my ankle really bad. There was a pop and immediate swelling. 100% sure it’s at least sprained. I realize now that if I had just not given a fuck and let him fall behind, I wouldn’t have ever rolled my ankle. And I couldn’t go to medical yet because only their emergency services were available at that time. Currently, my ankle hurts a hell of a lot.  

My rental car was brought back in one piece and on time. I didn’t ruin it like I did last time haha.

Today wasn’t too bad, but it still sucked.

"She's such an idiot for hurting you." They said, tossing words left and right into the bottom of the sea.

"No, you're wrong. She's not." I replied.

In fact, she's anything but an idiot. She was my world. I thought she was my future. When you love someone, it's hard to talk bad about them, no matter how bad they hurt you. And as they roll their eyes at me, questioning how I could be so clueless, here I am busy trying to keep my eyes from spilling because I miss you.