enna;

Dear bub, It’s been a while since I last wrote to you. I can’t remember na nga the last time. It’s not that I’m forgetting you, you are all part of my healing, and I’m still healing. I think it’s just that it feels like I’m in a different kind of pain now. I still feel like crying on the days I remember you, especially when I listen to your songs—like right now. My body still remembers how…

When did resting start to feel like slacking? Why does staying still feel like wasting time? Maybe it’s hustle culture, or you, or me. But why do we have to work hard all the time to be considered worthy of something? Or is it just these weird chemicals in our brains? Perhaps we are always tired because we keep chasing time, chasing deadlines, chasing a future we can’t even see yet. When we sleep…

“I don’t want to forget. I want to be okay with remembering.” I now can’t recall where I have read this phrase; it just somehow stuck with me. Perhaps because as someone who has a foggy brain and forgets a lot of things almost instantly, or feels like I’m just watching another person live my life (I’m her but also not), there are things that I want to keep in my memory forever. Or maybe because…

It’s not like you don’t know how to stop. You just keep going because it’s harder to start over again. The more you procrastinate and put things off, the harder it is for you to leave the comfort of your misery. It’s not like you don’t know how to stop. Everyday, you stay outside a little longer to watch the sky, basking in the temporary happiness when the sun smiles back at you. Other days, you…

“Ay Lunes pala????” I often forget the days of the week. Is it because everyday somehow feels the same anyway? Since living is just that; we wake up, do what we have to do, create routines and then break them, try to find peace just to carry out chaos. Living is just that. Staying in the present, day by day. Basking in the beauty of the mundane. Until we’re in the gruesome parts of it. Until…

I can’t remember exactly when it started. I woke up one day to a very noisy and chaotic group messages on X. The people in there? Some friends I’ve known through 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER and some from the cupsleeve events we had at KOHI for the members of SEVENTEEN. In that group chat, they were planning about our “next” cupsleeve event for SEUNGKWAN. I initially told them that there will be no…

Dear Universe, I think I have you to thank for the mental capacity that I still have. ‘Cause what do you mean you keep throwing shits at me but I’m still here??? Seriously, after hearing the story of [….], I don’t know how I ended up fine somehow. I mean, I have my own patterns and shits to break. I’m honestly thinking about getting help for this because it’s really getting harder to control by…

Oftentimes, I put myself inside an aquarium– The safest place to hide; to drown. Why do I do that? Isn’t it lonely? It’s okay, the glass breaks, anyway. And in those rare moments when it does, I see how beautiful caustic lights are. I touch it like how I’d hold life in my hands– I can’t; it slips. It always slips away. But with the aquarium broken– It takes a while for my vision to adjust, And my…

We met in summer, when the trees sparkled exquisitely in green and the skies were clear. You were smiling when you told me your favorite color was blue. But as we watched the cloudless sky, you whispered, “It looks empty and sad.” I saw how it reflected in your eyes. Your moods fainted and crumpled along with the autumn leaves. The bright tones of your clothes couldn’t bring back the dying…

Back in February, I started a gratitude journal after watching GOT7 Jinyoung’s fanmeet. Continue reading Untitled

Can you still recognize me? You look at me the same, but I can’t tell. Or maybe because it’s me that’s changed? You still look at me as if you’re scared to lose me. Despite me telling you over and over again that I am here; that I will stay. You still look at me with so much love. But why can’t it reach me? I took a step closer, but was it not enough? Those pair of eyes, it’s still you, but also…

[ content warning: grief, loss ] Continue reading Untitled

I loved dressing up, but ever since I gained weight, I lost the confidence. With this kahibangan (or craziness – but I feel like this English word doesn’t really capture the meaning 😂) over Seventeen, I hope to get some of my sense of fashion back. Of course, I am going to start with Jeonghan kasi panong ang ganda at gwapo niya at the same time?! So here goes… 🛒 Spliced Button Fly Jacket 🛒…

I’m starting to like this version of me. I found myself blurting this out recently. So I decided to write this now to figure out why. Could it be all of a sudden? Did I wake up one day and think, oh I actually like myself? I think sometimes that happens. Perhaps, like waking up feeling okay and not shitty for the first time in a while. Tapos di ba there are days naman talaga na bigla ka na lang,…

Hi blog, I am really in my mid-life crisis now. You see, I was never bothered by “peer pressure”. Trends got nothing on me. I think it has a lot to do with me growing up knowing what we could afford and what we couldn’t. Growing up, I witnessed all the setbacks our family had to go through to the point that “nothing goes smoothly” had become our motto. Naturally, I was never bothered by the…