WhenWeDisappear

when the idea of becoming murders escaped from artyom's lips, nikita found himself doubting. yes, of course he wanted to do everything with artyom. having a band, researching information about the cases they liked, all those ideas were from the blonde, and this suggestion was, of course, his too. nikita enjoyed being controlled by artyom. it gave him security, it made him feel sure about his decisions, safe about the roads he "decided" to take.

so, even if he doubted it, he accepted.

why not? they would be as cool as pichushkin, they would be in the news, in the newspaper, in online blogs all around the world. it would make their music popular. why not.

and most importantly, it would make artyom happy.

artyom liked to call the shots, and nikita liked to be guided. he needed it. he was seventeen and already lost, no friends, bad relationship with his family, no girlfriend. he didn't even had his first kiss yet, and he wasn't interested in having it either. he only had artyom, and that was enough.

but nikita wasn't like him, and that ignited a strong jealousy deep inside. he wasn't a blonde pretty boy with clear skin and blue eyes who had friends, a job, a future career and a girl he was talking to.

he dreamed to be like artyom, to be as strong and confident like him, to talk to other as easy as he did.

but he knew that wasn't possible. nikita had dark hair, a face covered in acne, a voice that no one wanted to hear and a forgettable personality. that was why he barely had friends in all his life, why he was bullied when he was still in school, and why artyom was his whole world. he couldn't imagine a life without him. he wouldn't stand more than two days without seeing him. hes weak and he knows it, but he doesn't tries to change that.

instead, he wants to be the reason of artyom's happiness. to be honest, he feels jealous of those who can come close to anoufriev. nikita didn't liked that artyom had other friends aside from him, neither he was glad about the fact that he was talking to a random girl in the internet. she'll forget about him surely, she would get bored, that was what nikita wanted to think.

---

the adrenaline ran through their veins, their hands were splashed with a strangers blood, and nikita could hear how artyom's breathing got more and more deeper, faster, desperate. his pupils were blown, turning his ocean eyes into black dots.

"fuck, that was great." the blonde boy spoke. both of them were hiding behind the trees, deep in the cold, winter forest. "i cant wait to do it again." he insisted, his voice had a quiver that sent a shiver down lytkin's spine. it wasn't fear, it was excitement.

the corners of artyom's mouth twitched up, forming somewhat of a smile. nikita, silent as ever, tried to imitate his expression.

"yeah, we should repeat it." he nodded, rubbing his long fingers against the wood to clean himself. it was disgusting, even for someone as dirty and with a poor hygiene like him.

"don't you have a camera? the one you burrowed from your uncle's house?" artyom asked, his eyes never leaving nikita's face.

"y-yes. i can bring it next time- if you want."

"we're going to be famous, nikita."

and that excitement was everything for the dark haired boy. it was worth. killing was worth, risking his life was worth. without artyom, he wouldn't have a future, he couldn't let artyom get away from him.

so he was going to do anything it takes to keep him close.

the days after the first murder were just as worse as the others. as soon the adrenaline ran down off artyom's body, he became upset and started to isolate himself from others. he felt annoyed at everyone, including nikita. and yet, he couldn't stop getting to his place, knocking on the door and spending the whole day on his room or walking with him around the area.

his feelings towards lytkin... were complicated. he liked him, of course. he wouldn't spend so much time hanging out with him if he didn't. he wouldn't have formed a band, neither propose him to be partners in crime. and still, it wasn't enough.

artyom thought nikita was slow. when they were alone, nikita seemed more happier and cooler, but the moment anyone walked in... he transformed into his usual weak-self completely. that irritated artyom.

he was glad nikita didn't had any other friends, he had a very disgusting memory of having to hang out with less than three of them in one of nikita's birthday party years ago, and it was awful. he felt offside, push aside for the first time in his whole life, and he didn't liked that feeling.

he decided to keep nikita closer and closer since that day, and it wasn't hard; nikita followed him around like a lost puppy without even trying that hard. his friends eventually started to hang out less, and finally, nikita only had him.

artyom thought that it was just the way it had to be. he made his life better. he dragged nikita out of his room, he encouraged him to sing, to play the guitar, and nikita just obeyed.

artyom needed to feel that sensation again, so it happened. this time, they recorded it. anoufriev couldn't stop laughing as he looked at the camera screen; nikitas giving another hit on the face of the body they just attacked.

after that, the walking back home was silent. nikita looked back over his own shoulder before leaving the scene. if he could freeze a moment in time, he would freeze this one forever. making artyom smile and laugh was worth it.

the streets are empty, the night is dark and the lights over their heads flicker constantly.

"do you want to stay at my place?" nikita suddenly breaks the silence.

artyom exhales through his nose. he didn't really wanted to sleep on nikita's floor, around the mess of his room and the humid smell of it. but he didn't wanted to face his mom and stand her scolding. it would end in another fight, and this time, he thinks he's capable of killing her.

"sure." he simply answered.

they spent all the night listening to their favorite songs, arguing online, watching all they could find on shocking sites and finally went to sleep when the sun was appearing. they both rested on nikita's bed. artyom was far too tired to set up one for himself.

---

"you should thank me! without me, you're nothing!"

artyom's words echoed on nikita's head, as always. he felt dizzy from their discussion, and thought that taking a walk maybe would help. but no, he felt bad, betrayed, disgusting, a worthless human. he made artyom mad and made him scream at him. the worst of all was that he was right, he felt like nothing without artyom.

he was scared to lose him, he was thinking to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness. tears pricked in the corners of his eyes as he thought of being alone again, of seeing artyom hanging around with those stupid boys from his previous band. he just couldn't.

he wanted to prove artyom he was strong. that he could do it without him, even if it was a lie.

in the dark of the night, he attacked a random woman from behind with a hammer he always brought around. the same hammer him and artyom used.

when he lifted his hand once again to finish her, a scream of a man scared him off. he ran away as fast as he could. his heart beating like it wanted to escape from his chest.

he walked back home, embarrassment making his skin uncomfortable. when he arrived the entrance of his apartment, artyom was there, sitting and smoking. the light of the cigar illuminated his strong features, his eyes looking up at nikita with indifference.

nikita stopped a few steps away. he felt more embarrassed.

"where did you go?" artyom asked.

"walk. I went to walk." nikita replied, his fingers clenching around nothing

"what the fuck is wrong with you?" artyom eyed him down. he could read him like a book, and he noticed something was wrong.

"i attacked a woman." nikita confessed, his eyes widening as he was froze in place.

artyom blinked. he was silent for some seconds, but then he giggled and threw his cigarette in the snow.

"what? you attacked someone alone?" his tone was incredulous. artyom got up and walked close. "look at yourself. youre trembling like a bunny." he was making fun of nikita, and now the dark haired boy was the one looking up. artyom was taller.

"I almost got caught. I had to run." he answered with saliva caught on his throat. he just wanted to go to his room and rot to death.

"if they discovered us because of this, I'm going to fucking kill you." he threatened him. nikita looked away, he couldn't stand it.

"then kill me now. it doesn't matters anymore." tears started to appear on his eyes again. he felt stupid, even more embarrassed and regretful. artyom was right. if someone started an investigation and found out that they were linked to it... It would be their end. he didn't thought it.

artyoms good hand went to nikita's neck. he grabbed him strongly and forced him to look at his eyes.

"you're dumb, nikita. think, for once, think."

he doesn't know why. but artyoms lips crashed against his. it wasn't like those kisses of the romantic movies his mom sometimes watched. it tasted sour and ashy because of the cigarette, and he barely could breath because of artyoms hand chocking him. both of their lips were chapped because of the cold, but artyom was forceful and he insisted. he even used his other hand to grasp on nikita's greasy hair and press his head closer.

when artyom broke the kiss and pushed him away, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and let completely go of him.

"that was disgusting." the blonde speaks, watching nikita's expression. he was shocked. "goodnight" without adding anything else, he just went inside and upstairs, making his way into his apartment.

nikita was confused. even if it wasn't perfect, it wasn't like he didn't liked it. he never really thought of artyom like that, but since that moment... he couldn't expect any less from him now.

why did he do that? why with him of all of the people? he barely managed to sleep that night.

they never spoke about it. they never kissed again either.

the idea of love repulsed nikita, he didn't felt that for artyom. it wasn't love, it was a twisted obsession. he liked artyom because he could push him off a cliff and wait for him at the bottom to ask why did he jumped. he was the only person he could speak to and be honest with.

he wanted him, not in a "holding hands and being a couple" way, but in a "we don't have anything better outside of ourselves" way. even if it wouldn't bother nikita to kiss him again every then and there.

but what was clear, was that since that night they grew even closer. nikita felt satisfaction when he watched artyom decline and postpone hanging out with his other friends to be with him instead. he even left that skinhead group that he hated so much. it was him and artyom to the end of the world. anoufriev even stopped talking to that girl he met online. nikita felt what happiness was like.

he didn't cared if artyom was more aggressive and paranoid, that was the minimum price for having artyom all for himself. he was growing like that too, after all, killing wasn't as easy and carefree they thought it would be.

more murders happened. 6 victims in total. and they wanted to keep doing it, they would've continued if it wasnt because of a slip. sharing the videos of their crimes online wasn't the right decision, neither recording it in the first place.

one afternoon, nikita came back home to find his mother, uncle and grandmother on the living room, waiting for him. he knew what it meant.

he just hoped artyom didn't hated him for it.