bookswritingandmore

i held onto the things that tore me open like they were life rafts in the sea of my depression splinters digging in, salt burning wounds anything was better than sinking

i picked at my wounds, pressed until they bled red i picked them apart, and filled the gaps left empty with blood

all i wanted was to set myself free, but everything i did, pulled me further into its orbit i kept circling the same ache pulled by a gravity that knew my name

sometimes i feel you in my skin, a pulse that isn't mine you're stitched into the places i never learned to name you move when i breathe, and flare when i try to heal, reminding my body what my mind forgets

or say I cannot go.

I do not mean to disappoint.

I’m trying hard, you know.

I’ve eggs in many baskets

and I want to do it all.

I’m juggling and struggling.

I’m so afraid to fall.

I want to keep you happy

and all the others too,

But the truth is that I’m failing

To keep up with all of you

I care so much and want to share

Your highs and lows and more,

But it’s hard to be as present

As the friend I was before.

So, again, I’m truly sorry

If I sometimes don’t reply.

I love you dearly, never fear,

I’m just trying to get by."

Maybe I'll never find this sense of belonging, perhaps every second of existence is meant to be a quarrel against the universe for separating you from atoms that were rightfully yours, giving them vastly converging sentience yet being unable to see each other, irrelevant to one's life's lore,

Perhaps I've been unlucky, perhaps it always was meant to be a fight that's grimy and mucky, mayhaps I'll end up lucky, but it's improbable and full of holes.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, the internet is devastatingly vast,

I'll try, perhaps cry, tho this repetition seems crass,

Good night, good bye, to the one I seek,

or say I cannot go.

I do not mean to disappoint.

I’m trying hard, you know.

I’ve eggs in many baskets

and I want to do it all.

I’m juggling and struggling.

I’m so afraid to fall.

I want to keep you happy

and all the others too,

But the truth is that I’m failing

To keep up with all of you

I care so much and want to share

Your highs and lows and more,

But it’s hard to be as present

As the friend I was before.

So, again, I’m truly sorry

If I sometimes don’t reply.

I love you dearly, never fear,

I’m just trying to get by."