The art of doing nothing

Hello again, it me. 

I just wanted to give my future self an update. Isn’t that funny, because if I go back to this post, future me will already know what I’m about to tell you and probably more. 

My update is this: the person that I previously wrote about on here, the you, well.. let’s just say I know this person a little bit more now. Don’t get me wrong, we’re still not friends or anything. But there is a slight chance, or shall I say that I’m hoping there’s a chance we will meet up. You see, this person asked me to meet up. Well, I asked a while ago - it didn’t happen and I thought that was the end of it. I guess it wasn’t for them. Which was kind of a surprise to me, but it was nice to be asked rather than to be the one asking. Unfortunately it wasn’t possible this time either and that is so annoying. Just when I had forgotten about all of this, almost anyways, it pops up and nothing happens - yet again. So frustrating.

What an anticlimactic update. Update: Nothing happened. See you next time for more unsatisfying news. Well, hopefully - see you next time and something actually happened! I don’t even know if I’ll be back. I always feel like the post I’m writing is the last one, don’t really know why. Oh, well...

I’ll see you, if I see you.

K, bye.

Hi there, it’s me again. I can’t sleep, because my head is spinning. It’s a mess of thoughts and pictures, like gröt. You probably don’t know what that is if you’re a native english speaker reading this. Or I guess, anybody that doesn’t speak swedish. I’m to tired to care about grammar.. so, sorry in advance if you’re reading this and some grammar-offences poke you in the eye. 

So, why are we here you may ask. I’ll tell you. Since my brain is like gröt. I figured I would come on here and write down exactly everything that I’m thinking of, to see if that’s something that would set the thoughts free - so they won’t be in my head anymore. Here’s hoping.

I’m really embarrassed to write this down, and I sort of had promised myself never ever to write about stupid crushes on here. But the truth is, I can’t stop thinking about you. But.. don’t flatter yourself. You’re not the first person to get stuck in my head. When someone does, they sort of stay there until somebody else smiles, or looks at me in a way that I can’t forget. So, I guess for now your my designated someone. I can’t stop thinking about that one time. It was a chance encounter some would say. The funny thing is, I had just told myself that day that I was better of alone. For now anyways. I told myself that I was perfectly content being by myself. I guess I wasn’t. Because you were just there. You weren’t supposed to. You just showed up. We talked for a bit, you were nice. Something I guess I’m not very used to. Other people are usually too busy to be nice. That’s why you’re now stuck, you’re my designated someone. I can’t stop thinking. Images swirl around in my head. I wan’t them to stop. Because I’m sincerely embarrassed. You’ve been stuck here for too long. I can’t stop thinking that I wouldn’t want to be stuck in the head of somebody else, not without my consent. You haven’t given me consent to think about you all the time. So I don’t want to. 

I keep thinking that I make so many mistakes. I keep thinking I’ve let people down. I keep thinking I’ve done so many things I wasn’t supposed to. I keep thinking about things I’ve said without thinking, that I regret. I want to apologise, but it’s been so long that it would now be better to forget about it. I keep thinking that I should’ve tried to stay in contact with someone. But they didn’t really try to stay in contact with me, so why do I feel guilty. I keep thinking people don’t like me. That I’ve done something they don’t approve of and I’ve lost their good opinion forever. I keep thinking I want to rewind my life a couple of years and redo them, but with my current knowledge. But I don’t really want to re-live my life if I’m being honest. Especially not these last months, they’ve not been the best of my life. 

I feel alone. I don’t want to be alone. And loneliness that’s not a choice, I think is the worst kind of loneliness. I guess it was kind of my choice. I moved here, I applied for this job. I chose to live here. But I guess I didn’t really know what would happen. And I don’t regret it either. I’ve made some really good friends. Like great friends. And I wouldn’t give them up. 

And for last I’ve left the thoughts I don’t really want to write down, because they’re so unoriginal. Which sounds really pretentious. But what I really mean is that I don’t want to write these things down for the world to see. Not that the world will see it, because I’m the only one who reads these. But if I write it down and post it, the world could see it if they wanted to. As soon as I press post, these words are no longer thoughts in my head. They’re not mine anymore. So here it comes, all this build up for the cheesiest most basic thoughts you will ever read about in your entire life...

I want to get married. So bad. I want to live with somebody, I want to go to sleep in somebodies arms. I want to get to know a person so well, that I almost don’t know where I end and they begin. I want to care for someone. I want someone to care for me. I want to build a life together with somebody. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m tired of being alone.

That’s it. That’s all I have to say. I can’t think of anything else at the moment. We will see how long it takes me before I make this post private, so that nobody but me can look back at this post and cringe.. 

Well hello there... So... I’m back.. Never ever thought I would return here and write again. It’s been almost three years, well.. two and a half since I last made a post on here. I’m now twenty-two, I’ve moved away from home and I have a full-time job. I don’t really know why I decided to come back here, I still don’t think anybody reads these posts except for me in the future - if so, please send me a message, let’s be friends! 

I’ve been reading the previous posts that I’ve made on here and all I keep thinking is - who is this person? Is this really me? Is it possible to change so much in a couple of years, that who you’re looking back on is completely foreign? I’m being dramatic. Past me isn’t completely foreign to me, but reading my previous posts it struck me that I was a lot different then. I mean, everybody changes and their past selves are probably some what foreign to them. Turn and face the strange, Ch-ch-ch-changes. 

I’m trying to think of a point to get to, but there is no point to this post. No point at all. In my previous posts, the point was to tell you (/my future self) what I did that day. I don’t really want to do that now, because I don’t feel like it. However I will tell you the high-light of my day. I wrapped some Christmas presents and wrote some rhymes to go along with them. I did also watch the movie ‘An Education’, which was a terrible movie - please never watch it. So.. I guess that was the lowlight. I also ate some gingerbread cookies, that was another highlight - in case you wanted to know. 

As this post comes to an end I would like to adress my past self and tell her: Be thankful for all the good things in your life. Be thankful for the wonderful summer you have had. I know you didn’t always feel great, despite feeling like you should and I guess that is okay. But please, take a look around - what do you see? Your dad in the kitchen making dinner, your mom in the garden with the dog, your little brother playing his electric drums which are supposed to be quieter than real ones but in reality sound really loud, everything in technicolor. Be thankful and appreciate this time, this very moment, as it will never come again. You see, time is a thing that passes. So this to shall pass. Rest assured, you will experience many great things. Bible school will probably be one of the best years of your life. You will meet new friends, best friends, from other parts of the world. They will become your family and you will love them as such. Even better, you will learn many things about the bible that you didn’t know. You will learn about it’s importance in your life. You will grow closer to the Lord and realise that He is your shepherd, He is your solid ground - this will keep you sane when times get rough. So trust in Him, because He will keep you and He will guide you after school to a new chapter in your life. 

This is where I am right now. This is where I’ve been brought and now it’s time for me to once again look ahead. Where to, I don’t yet know. But I am confident that wherever I go, my Shepherd will continually lead and keep me. 

I wasn’t excepting this post to exist, I wasn’t expecting it to be this long, I wasn’t expecting it to end up where it ended up. If you’ve made it this far, you’re a champ and seriously send me a message - let’s be friends. 

This is my ending of choice:

Oh, hello there… I just want to point out that there is like a one minut left of Wednesday, but I’m still going to call this post Wednesday. Much cool, very wow. Are you interested yet, do you feel like reading on? Honestly sometimes I think my sarcasm about how uninteresting I am makes me more uninteresting. Now there’s a paradox for you. You’re welcome, you can thank me later with fan-mail. I also accept cash in the mail or just your bank account details.

Wou-ie, so we’re off to a great start. How are you? How’s life treating you? Oh, me? I’m swell, thanks for asking. In eight days I’m going to move away from home. For the first time in my life I will not be home for quite a while. It’s really exciting and also quite difficult. I feel so full of joy and at the same time want to bawl my eyes out. I have this feeling this will be a really life changing experience and I’m so ready to be a person that I can be comfortable and proud of being. At the same time there are so many things that I’ll miss. Also there are so many things that I’m so ready to be away from for a while. I’m so happy that this bible school thing finally is happening, I’ve been more or less waiting for this since I was sixteen. That may not seem like a long time, but it’s still four years of my not so long life. And it’s finally, finally happening. It’s real, it’s here. I can’t believe it just yet, maybe I will when I’m in the car on my way or maybe not until I’m three weeks in. I’m not sure if I’ll keep on blogging from here on. I guess nobody will be crushed if I don’t, because as of now I barely have any followers. But my goal wasn’t to get followers, it was to have good memories to look back on and that is something that I think I’ve accomplished. This was my last summer as a teenager and I’m glad that it was a good one. Soon I will no longer be a teenager, I will be an “adult”. Who knows what will happen, I don’t.

Woops... I haven’t posted for a while. To say that I haven’t had the time, would be a lie. But I haven’t felt like blogging to be honest. I actually attempted to record another “Too lazy to type”, but that didn’t quite work out. We’ ll see if I do that another time. For now I think I’ll do a list of what I’ve been up to, at least some of the things. - I ran a 7,5 km terrain “race”, which was killer. Literally almost couldn’t do it because it was so hard. - I’ve been to Motala, where I took care of my cousins for about 1,5 days.  - I’ve had a cold and therefore had an excuse to just watch the 100.  - I accidentally read about SOMETHING that Clarke does to Finn...  - ... So I spoiled the 100 and don’t want to watch it anymore. Seriously, are they trying to out do Game of thrones or something? Not to be negative or anything... but I’m really disappointed with the second season.. - I’ve been to Norrköping with my mom because I needed to buy some more things for school.  - I lost the list of what I needed to buy, so now I probably need to go to Norrköping again... I get so annoyed with myself sometimes. - I’ve spent way to much time on youtube. - I’ve spent to way to much time looking through the janiel tag on tumblr. - I’ve been talking to some of my new classmates. Moving away suddenly seems more real and I’m getting really nervous, but also excited. - I watched Trainwreck and don’t really know what I thought about it. It was alright, but not in any way the best movie I’ve ever watched.  - Today I was at the stable and took my horsie for a walk, his leg is swollen and he is a bit poorly. He’s getting better though, so that’s good.  - I made a list on Spotify with the music from Peaky Blinders - While doing that I feel in love with Arctic Monkeys and PJ Harvey a bit.

Can you tell how productive and mature I am? I’m probably the most mature and productive person I know. I’m just such an accomplished person! Also I’m fluent in sarcasm. 

Tuesday 

So, I made this. Listen if you want to..!

Good hello future me, or perhaps somebody else who’s here. Today I’m going to a place called Motala, where my cousins live. My family’s going as well and we’re going to have a very family-styled day. For starters we’re having afternoon fika (which is basically the same as afternoon tea), then we’re going to the beach and lastly we’re going to have a family dinner. So our day basically revolves around eating and relaxing, how could you even get it more family-dayish. As I’ve said before I don’t get to see these cousins very often, so even if we’re not having the most exciting day in world history I’m still happy to see them. Before I go though, I think I’ll watch a movie and start this day out slowly. Just because I can, let’s be real. 

Yesterday me and my friends had our last day together before they leave for school. In the morning we went to a food market in Linköping. They had all kinds of weird/good food like alligator, camel and kangaroo burgers. They also had more normal food like spanish paella, english fish n’ chips and french blue cheese chicken. I ended up getting fish n’ chips, but I kind of wish that I’d got something more adventurous like a kangaroo burger... Anyways, they also had a bunch of sweets and pastries. We ended up getting some english fudge, I got mojito-, banana - and liquorice-fudge. They were all really good, but the banana one was probably the best. One of my friends had her birthday yesterday, so in the evening we surprised her with fika and presents. We also went to a lake and had a bonfire (a small one at least) and watched the stars. All in all it was a really good “last” day and a really good memory that I’ll like too keep, so here it goes into the memory bank. 

Hello good people of the internet. Yesterday I woke up not having any expectations for the day, I was really tired and kind of in a bad mood. But as I’ve said before, you shouldn’t judge a day before it has happened. My day actually turned out really good and (because I’m lazy) I thought I’d do a list of the things I did!

- I had cereal and yoghurt for breakfast (very wow, much cool) - I helped my friend ombre her hair (how do you even say that) and it actually went better than I’d expected. I’ve only dyed/bleached my own hair before, but it was actually easier to dye her hair.  - I went to Norrköping and bought a new guitar! I wasn’t really getting along with my other guitar anymore and also I wanted an acoustic guitar with a mic. I found a black Cort-SFX and I’m so glad I did because it’s sooo much better than my old one.  - My friends cooked diner and I ate it. We talked a lot about how we would like to change the hairs on our heads.  - Then we watched photos from when we were younger and cry-laughed at our ugly phases and emo phases and awkward phases, all the phases. We also awww’d a lot because we thought each other were cute. 

Basically my day ended up being really good and that just proves my point that I’m to quick to judge days, when they haven’t even happened yet. This morning (I say morning, but more like midday) I ran 6km and it didn’t go very well, but I did it anyway because I really need to keep up this running thing. I also watched the last episode (that’s out) of Peaky Blinders (spoilers ahead btw, if you don’t want to see any maybe-hints about what happens - look away now. You’ve been warned) I’m now convinced that Tommy will marry Grace. Okay, no I’m not. Something’s bound to go wrong in Season 3, but just let me live in my world of happy gangsters and sunshine. Okay?! I don’t really know how I’m supposed to wait until 2016 before watching season 3. I’ll just daydream about more scenarios where Tommy and Grace end up together, also a scenario where May dies or just moves really, really, really far away. 

Salut! Today I ran 5km for the first time in two weeks and was nearly sick at the end of it. I’ve been away and also have had a cold and therefore I didn’t run for two weeks. I wouldn’t say that I’m back to square one, but I’m definitely not as good as I was two weeks ago. I’m annoyed with myself for not running sooner and annoyed with the fact that you can lose so much in such a short time. That was my rant for the day done.

I’ve been reading ‘it’ by Stephen King (I think I mentioned that before) and even though I really like the book it's kind of a tough read. Maybe that’s just a feeling though because the book is more than a thousand pages, so it’s bound to be a slow read. When I’m not reading I’m watching Peaky blinders. I gave up on Dexter, at least for now, since I began to find the plot a bit boring. I’m now in love with Cillan Murphy and 1919’s gangsters. It’s not only a really good show, it’s really well made. The cinematography is to die for. When you watch a show like that you find yourself wondering why you even bothered watching anything else in the first place.

Oh, and before I forget. I watched my cousins for a while today! These cousins I don’t get to see very often, so it’s always fun when I do. They are five and ten so it’s kind of hard to find something that they both want to do, but in the end we made some bracelets and everyone was happy. Me and my family are actually going to theirs on Saturday, so that’ll be fun to. When they left the five year old said “byee, see you on Saturday” about a hundred times and that was just so cute I died a bit.

Tomorrow me and my friends are having a barbecue at my friends house kind of like a “going away”-party. I’m not going to lie, I’m probably going to cry. We’ve been seeing each other almost every other day for almost two years now, and this is probably the last time I see some of them for quite a while. I’m happy and sad at the same time, but I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that by now…

Aloha! Yesterday was a really good day (I seem to start a lot of my posts like that) and we basically did all the things I said we would. The weather and the company was on point. The best part about the night was sharing some blueberry cotton candy with my friends. I haven’t had cotton candy in quite some time so I was probably more excited about it than I should’ve been - my glorious life as a five year old. 

Today I’m allowing myself a really lazy day as I’m feeling a bit under the weather. Me and my friends talked about going to ‘Augustifesten’ in Norrköping today as well, but we’ll see if that happens. I think we all may be a bit too tired today. 

In other news; I’ve realized that I start bible-college in five weeks, which makes me a bit nervous. On one hand I’m really excited and want it to start tomorrow, but on the other I’m really sad to be leaving home. All of my friends are also moving away to other cities for school, so they won’t be here either. I just have this feeling that this is the end of an era and that makes me a bit sad. That sounds a bit silly, but I can’t explain it any better. Of course we’re still going to be friends and our lives are probably just going to be more exciting from now on. Still, I can’t shake this feeling of nostalgia for the past and be a bit sad that this part of my life is over. At the same time I’m really happy we’re all going to new places and doing new and exciting things. It’s all very conflicting, but it’s okay. Here’s to new beginnings. 

Hyeloh, Frizon was lovely. We listened to a lot of great bands, watched some improv theatre, danced until we literally couldn’t dance no more, went to some really great workshops and lastly (but probably most awesomest) went to services. Being at frizon just felt like I could finally breathe again. I don’t want to go through the festival day by day, because I’m just too lazy honestly. But trust me it was good. The only ‘famous’ band we listened to was The Royal Concept and that was a really good show, I say show because they literally put on a show compared to the other bands. It’s not my favorite kind of music, but they were definitely good. The last night we stayed up dancing until 3.00 AM, that was a lot of fun too because everybody just goes bananas. At the same time no one is disrespectful and nobody cares what other people look like while dancing. So everybody just, as I said, goes bananas and ugly-dances until they can’t ugly-dance no more. Honestly frizon is probably the only place you’ll find me dancing to house music, I literally can’t stand it at other times. 

Today I haven’t done much, I’ve just been reading and watching youtube videos. Right now I’m attempting to make sushi. I really hope it turns out good, but I forgot about the rice vinegar so I’ll get back to you on that. Later I’ll get back to watching youtube or a movie and just crash pretty early because I’m sooo tired. I’m such a lightweight, lol. A few days at a festival and I’m done for. Speaking of movies though. I watched Insurgent yesterday and don’t hate me, but I didn’t like it all that much. I’ve read the books and I don’t remember that much from them, but I do remember that there was more drama and they were more exiting. I thought the movie was kind of bland. Anyways… Tomorrow I think I’ll maybe, if I’m feeling ambitious, go through my wardrobe and leave clothes I don’t use anymore at the thrift store. But we’ll have to see about that ambition… lol.

Hej! Today me and my friends went on a ‘thrift shop roadtrip’ and it was a lot of fun. The beginning of it was some what of a fail because the first shops we went to weren’t open for some reason, perhaps they had their vacation or something like that. We started our ‘roadtrip’ at a small shop I’ve never been to before, I also forgot the name of it, and they had the best sale. I found two movies and a book for 30 kr (which is about 4 dollars)! There was this really weird old dude who worked there, he grabbed the skirt my friend was buying and said; Did you find any good books? Is this a good book? Then he also said that when your his age all you want is a wife, a house and viagra. Oh, and he told us that when you’re our age you should be serious and focus on your career. It was probably his idea of a joke, but it didn’t quite hit the mark. 

Our second stop was a shop called ‘Myrorna’, their main focus is clothes and even though the clothes aren’t always that nice the prices are ridiculous. They expect you to buy the clothes for almost the same price that it would’ve had in the store it came from. The books weren’t overpriced though, so I bought The Green Mile. The last part of our trip was also some what of a fail because one of the shops we were going to was closed and the other one just wasn’t a very good thrift shop. So we decided to have lunch and later go to the mall instead. We bought sushi from a place called Suhsi Yama and it was soooo good. It’s probably the best sushi I’ve ever had. I could have it for all three meals everyday and never get tired of it. 

When we got tired of being in Norrköping we went home to my friends house for tea. We planned a barbeque/goodbye party and then went to a playground, #justadultthings. Anyway... we had a really nice day and evening even if our roadtrip was a bit of a fail. Now I’m going to watch Dexter. I’m really loving it so far because it’s not like any show I’ve seen before. Maybe a bit like Breaking Bad, at least in the beginning. It’s a really interesting idea and I’m really excited to see how the story plays out. I would definitely recommend it! 

Tomorrow I think I’ll have a ‘lazy’ day, at least a staying at home day. I’m really feeling the introvert vibes.. lol. No, but I’m probably going to catch up on some reading and play some guitar. 

Hello, good evening, how you doin’ ? I’m really good and glad to be home. When you’ve been away for a few days, I often find that you appreciate home more than you did before you left. That’s true for me anyway. Me and my family were in Stockholm for three days visiting my uncle and his girlfriend. It was like a mini-vacation and I think we all needed to get away for a bit and just do something fun. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but one of my aunts had a really rough mental break down and it’s been really hard for the whole family and has torn up a lot of old wounds so to speak. Since it was my mums sister she was the one in my immediate family who needed a break the most, but to be honest we all needed to get away from it all. Enough about that, let me tell you about the trip instead.

We arrived in Stockholm quite early on Tuesday and therefore we had the rest of the day to do whatever we wanted. My uncle really wanted to show us around the city so we spent quite a while doing that, we went with the ferry to a place called ‘Djurgården’ and just walked around enjoying the city. I think the only stop we made was for ice cream. The weather was quite good to, a bit cold but the sun showed up for us at least. We also went to a mall for a bit, but I wasn’t really in a shopping mood so I didn’t find anything. The only thing I had my mind set on was P!ATDs latest album, but the music store didn’t have that. I really want that album though. So I think I’ll check if they have in Norrköping at Vaxkupan which, if I’m not mistaken, is a more alternative music store. Later that evening my uncle had booked a table at a restaurant and we had a really good diner before heading back to the apartment we were staying at. My uncles church has an apartment they rent out for really cheap, so we really lucked out in that department. 

On Wednesday we were on our own, but that was quite nice too. Before lunch my mum and I went around to a few different thrift shops. I had hoped to find some nice clothes, but the clothes available weren’t near as cheap or good as the ones we have in Finspång. What I did find instead were some really good albums, movies and books. I found albums by Coldplay, Weezer, Oasis, Nirvana and the Cranberries, so I’m a really happy camper. I also found Pulp fiction, Meet Joe Black, the first season of Dexter and the last two books in the Eragorn series. We also had time to go to some other shops, so I went to Monki and found a really nice dress. For lunch the whole family went to a small sushi place, it probably wasn’t the best one in town but it was good enough. We couldn’t convince my dad to try sushi though. Which is kind of funny because he really isn’t picky about what he eats. Some day I’ll convince him. After lunch we decided to go a mall in central Stockholm. There we changed how we split up so my dad and I went to the mall and my mum and little brother went to some music store somewhere. I had lost my shopping spirit though, so I just bought a ice chai rooibos and went along with my dad. The chai tea was sooooooo delicious, it’s my new favorite drink for sure. After that shopping trip we were all quite exhausted so we had take away in the apartment and called it a night. 

Today we woke up quite early went to Farsta (basically the suburbs in Stockholm) to pick up our car at my uncles apartment. Then we went home and here we are. So it was a really chilled trip and we did nothing to fancy which was exactly what we all needed. I didn’t have too much time to think about the future and such, so right now I’m feeling quite relaxed. Tomorrow we’re going to my aunts house to visit my three year old and four month old cousins. So I’m a really happy camper. I wish I could always feel this relaxed.