Republican not Republican't

                    laurel stretches out her legs, toes curling against the cool floor. it’s probably disgusting down here but there’s no way she’s standing; her feet are killing her after standing around in heels all day. she really should have worn those cute booties she’d bought the other day… oh well.

            cheesecake with the sixteenth president, another thing one doesn’t do every day, or ever really. he glances back and follows her lead towards the huge president sitting behind them. “at least it’s not a jackson memorial, right?” gareth chuckles quietly and relents to swiping across his phone’s screen to order them each a hefty overpriced slice of cheesecake.

            as soon as the order is placed with a promise of a large tip, he leans back against his palms and looks down at her naked toes. “i’ll never understand how women can wear those crazy heels every day and not need a wheelchair. how do you do it?” he’s only removed his jacket thus far, even if he’s soaked through his shirt.

“…Did you sleep with Michael Moore?” “Do you really want to know?” “I don’t know. Yes?” “Yes.”

[MSG]: If you come home and see an ambulance outside, don’t worry. I’ve got it all under control.

[MSG:] One time I thought I was heterosexual.

[MSG:] I’M WEARING A FLAG.

[MSG:] Just get in the fucking blanket fort.

[MSG:] I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I pass out for 3 days.

[MSG:] I am going places. Maybe not college, but places…

[MSG:] I don’t think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.

[MSG:] THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESN’T EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.

[MSG:] We’re making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?

[MSG:] Can you pick me up? The threeway turned into a twoway while I sit here alone in the corner…

[MSG:] Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.

[MSG:] You know, my friends think I make these stories up…

[MSG:] I’m bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We’re plotting your demise.

[MSG:] My cute new neighbor has a cast on his leg. How sad is it that my first thought was, “Hey! This one can’t run away!”.

[MSG:] OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still…

[MSG:] I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.

[MSG:] I just walked into the room at this party and someone shouted “dibs!”

[MSG:] He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.

[MSG:] Uh, I almost got the bride to go down on me. I’m the smoothest maid of honor ever.

[MSG:] Somehow a ride to Walgreens turned into a threesome.

[MSG:] Yeah, don’t like to call her my roommate. Too cordial. I prefer to call her “the whore that was assigned to live with me.”

[MSG:] Why does every bad decision I make end up with at least 100 likes on YouTube?

[MSG:] I feel like I don’t show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time.

[MSG:] I told you not to buy lube from a tourist shop!

[MSG:] He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?

[MSG:] STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE.

[MSG:] There were containers of weed in the piñata.

[MSG:] So far today I’ve had six shots of tequila, one joint, I’ve hit three parties, made out with two people and been chased by security. It is spring break.

[MSG:] OMG SOMEONE JUST CRASHED THIS LECTURE SCREAMING “TROOOOOLLLL IN THE DUNGEONS!!!” I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING HELP

[MSG:] I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon.

[MSG:] Uh, I think that pic was for someone else. At least, I hope so…

[MSG:] My gaydar is infallible. Trust me.

[MSG:] I’m actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We’re just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators.

[MSG:] See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.

“Remember, senators, you can only vote once. Once. All those in favor of the motion, please signify by raising your hands. Uh…uh, senators. Uh…”