xev

Your eyes watched silently as Ray played his guitar backstage. Dressed up in his attire for the show.

The Return of the Black Parade.

The band have been on tour again for a few months now. No matter how many times you have seen him in this outfit- it always makes you feel so shy and just down right happy for him. To see him in his element, to watch him be the talent person on his guitar. You couldn't help but swoon and just feel all proud and excited.

Right now, you didn't want to disturb his last minute practice but you wanted to give him a small kiss of luck before he goes on stage. Your feet moved to stand behind him, your fingers brushing his hair back before pressing a kiss on his cheek- feeling his beard on your lips. His fingers stopped moving - turning his head to look at you.

"Hey, that's not where you kiss me good luck."

You let out a soft chuckle.

"I didn't want to disturb you, love. You were really focused and I didn't want to just stop you for a kiss. Just a quick kiss on your cheek wouldn't really break your focus."

Ray shook his head, setting his guitar down, taking off his headphones and placing it on the table. He turned around, finally facing you fully. Arms wrapped around your waist- pulling your closer.

Without any words his lips found yours, one of his hands on your lower back, pushing you closer to him as you kissed.

Your body melt against him - arms wrapping around his neck, deeping the kiss for a moment. Unfortunately oxygen was needed and you didn't want Ray to pass out before he could even step on stage. So you broke the kiss first and Ray lips quickly tried to catch up with your lips to bring you to another kiss again. A finger was placed on his lips- followed by muffled laughter.

Your hand covering your mouth as you laughed.

"You can get more later. Okay? You have to perform soon."

"Just one more. I promise. Just one more."

"Ray!" Before you could even speak his lips found yours once more. His hand moving to cup your cheek- gis thumb brushing your cheek bone lovingly.

"See that wasn't so bad right?" Ray whispered against your lips.

You could only roll your eyes at his words. "Good luck out there."

He gave you a small smile, before grabbing his guitar to walk out with the others on stage.

It didn't take long for the concert to start and immediately from soft touches on your skin and gentle motions - he did a complete 180 and was shredding his guitar like it was the last thing he could do before the world ends, like this was his only way to breathe.

No matter how many times you watched him play, it never fails to amaze you. The more you watched him making the stage his - you wondered.

How are you even his?

And how is he even yours?

Ever since that day, you just have been thinking about it, it didn't affect you alot - just sometimes you sit there and wonder. That's all.

Ray could tell.

And he wanted to know what got into his lover's head. What made you think so much that you sit there just zoning out.

The both of you were in your shared home. A little break from touring, to spend time with loved ones. Immediately Ray asked for the whole day in with you, he misses you - to touch you and to kiss you again? While being cooped up under a bunch of your blankets that you couldn't stop buying?

It was heaven to the man.

His head was on your chest, his arm around your waist, rubbing your lower back as the both of you watched a show that honestly got a little boring after a while.

Ray turned his head to look at you, your fingers threading through his hair gently, combing out his curls a little.

"Hey, what it's in your head, sweetheart. Do you want to share it with me?"

No pushing of answers, not forcing it out of you. Just here. Waiting if you want to speak about it or not.

"I'm here to listen, y'know?" He leans in, pressing a kiss under youe jaw.

Your eyes met his and you gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

"It's nothing crazy or just sad, just thinking that's all." It was said quietly, a little embarrassed to even say it out loud. As if the words would sound too loud. Like it would echo and bounce across the four walls.

"Your pain is mine too, my love. I want to help in any way I can, no matter how big or small it is." His hand finds yours, pressing kisses against your knuckles, his eyes closed, feeling your warmth against his lips.

You blushed a little at his actions, still not used to all of this no matter how long you have been with him.

"Ray, I promise it's nothing serious. Just, why me? I get why, at least I think I do." You hand that was in his moved to cup his cheek, looking down at him.

"It's just- see you in stage, seeing you out there, performing your heart out. It made me think about how much I don't deserve you. How you are incredibly talented in what you do, how you change people with just a strum on your guitar. You light up people's worlds with your words, your kindness, your love for others. It makes me feel a little insane to be the one that calls you mine."

Ray listened to your words for a moment, before sitting up on the couch beside you, his hand on your blanket covered thigh.

"You, have been everything I have been looking for." He started of- fingers brushing over the blanket lovingly. His eyes meeting your for a second before looking down.

"When you said that you would want to be my girlfriend. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was too good to be true. I thought it was just a joke. You, saved me. In more ways than you would ever know. Coming home to you, living with you. Seeing you after everything. I don't think I could ever find peace like this at all, sweetheart."

He gave of a nervous smile, to embarrassed to be saying all this.

"I love you alot, (Y/N). Like alot."

A warm feeling spreads all across your chest to the rest of your body. Your hands cupped his face and you pressed a deep kiss against his, smiling into it.

Breaking the kiss, you pressed your forehead against his.

"I love you too, Ray. Thank you for everything. I love you so much."

He smiles even more wider before pulling you on top of him as his back meets the couch. You let out a surprised yelp, before laughing.

Ray looks at you like you carried life itself. Like you were the most beautiful thing that walks this earth.

God, he's so happy to call you his.

im not gonna lie. this was so hard to write. omg, but I hope you guys like it!! remember to stay hydrated, take care of yourself!

ilysm, see you on the next one

🤍✨️

Illi has not been a good lover.

Is what she tells herself daily. In a way, her words was a whip and she keeps hitting herself with it, again and again and again.

Drills it into her skull.

She wasn't destined for love, is what she believes.

She wasn't fit to be someone's rock. Is what she would write in her journal.

She wasn't enough. Is what she would speak about to her therapist.

Maybe she didn't do enough.

For you to stay.

For you to see tomorrow.

Everyone tells her it's not her fault. People can do so much for another person. It depends if that person wants to accept that help or not.

But she can't help it if the person is you.

You have helped her in so many ways. Why can't that be the same for you?

Her eyes looked down at the letter you left, the slightly brown paper that feels a little lighter now from the months of being folded and unfolded, the edges being in this slightly brown colour. Some words slowly fading off.

She brings the letter up to her lips, tears streaming down her face- holding that letter close to her lips. Pressing a kiss too it.

It was always something new at school for many people. Not for you though. The days go and come, everytime the minute hands ticks on the clock, you wonder when it would ever stop.

Standing infront of the crowd of students, teachers and facility. You just didn't want to exist. You didn't know why. It just happened, like a wave of sadness washed over you and you just- accepted it. You sank too far that no amount of swimming would help because you're out of oxygen to keep yourself sane. To keep pushing to reach the top, the light was just- a source of light. Not a point to reach out to see what's beyond it.

Your hand gripped onto the sling of your bag, looking at the crowd, standing in the middle of it all. They sound muffled, a ringing sensation in your ears and before you could reach to that point - a soft kiss landed on your cheek.

"Hi, my love."

Illi.

Illi is here.

Your lover. Your everything.

"Oh, Illi, hello. I didn't see you come up to me. Hi."

Illi tilt her head a little in confusion.

"You didn't hear me call out for you too?"

"Mm, I guess so. Thinking alot I guess."

Illi frowned a little, taking your hand in hers, pressing a kiss on the back of your hand.

"You want to talk about it? We can ditch a few classes, head to the park or somewhere quiet. You can let out everything if you want too! Plus it will be us."

You shook your head, pressing a soft kiss against her lips.

"I'll be okay, thank you my dear. We can't skip anymore classes. Let's go."

You tugged her to the direction for your first class.

The feeling just got worse over time. Your body ached, you felt like your bones were too heavy to move. Breathing was hard now. It was like your body wasn't yours, like something was slowly eating you from the inside out. You could feel yourself slipping away.

And you were allowing it to happen.

Currently sitting on Illi's bed, you just stared at the ceiling. She was doing some drawings while the television was on, playing one of her favourites. However, everything was just blocked out, you couldn't help it- maybe you could talk about it?

"Hey Illi?"

"Hm?"

"I don't feel so good."

Her pencil stopped moving, her head turning to see you laying flat on her bed. Her eyes drifted to check on you.

"In what way, sweetheart?"

"Don't know. Just..it feels heavy, whatever it is."

Illi moved, from her chair to the edge of the bed, leaning over so that her face was what you were looking at. Your hand moved to cup her cheek, brushing your thumb against her cheekbone.

Fuck. She's the most prettiest thing you have ever seen.

And all you could think is.

She deserves better.

Not you.

Better.

"Hey, your hand is a little cold. You wanna go on a walk with me? Let your blood circulate a little. Under the stars. It would be cute."

Illi muttered, turning her head to press a kiss against your palm.

"That would be nice."

Illi could sense something was up, she just didn't know what. It was like the sun set one day and it didn't come up again. Your smile dimmed over time, your eyes lost the flicker of hope, curiosity and joy.

Your hands don't reach out for anyone or anything. You footsteps that sometime would match hers, just slowed down even more before disappearing completely. You would stay home after school. Illi would invite herself but you said that you were unwell and you just needed to be alone.

But after a few days. It didn't feel right. So she came over with you. Whether you wanted it or not. She would sit with you, talk to you, bring your favourite foods to your place. She would try to bring you out for some dates too. Sometimes there would be a hint of joy.

However, there's this sense. There's this feeling like you agreed on something. Like something you can't back out and was determined to do.

She was scared. So fucking scared.

So she stayed over. Told you how much she loves you, showing you her drawings, and you drew some stuff for her too.

Slowly you broke out from that feeling. Illi thought that, you were coming back. Slowly you were allowing yourself to feel the happiness you deserve. Kisses between the both of you were deeper, more connected. Her hand never left yours. You were on her lap when she was drawing.

She was doing this to keep you here. To show you how much you mean to her.

You were doing this so that you wouldn't forget this feeling. Not matter how far away you were from her.

What she didn't realise that, you were happy with the decision you made for yourself.

It was quiet, too quiet in class. Illi didn't know why. In fact it was the opposite, people talking, laughing and just excited to see their friends but for some reason..it was quiet for Illi.

Where were you even.

She met you yesterday at your place. You guys had so much fun. You gave her a few of your drawings you made. It was pictures of you and her. A few trinkets you made- that was hanging on her bag. An apple clip, matching with you. Here's was red while yours was green. It was so cute.

She glanced at your empty seat beside her. Her hand on your table, tracing the little heart that had both of your initials. She's excited to see you again.

"Hello everyone. I have an announcement to make."

A somber tone echoed in the class. The form teacher stands at the front of the class, her arms around her, rubbing her arm for some self soothing. Her eyes a little red, everyone immediately quieten down.

"Um, as you know, everyone one of you guys know your classmates and have a bond as a class together but, I- today I got news from (Y/N) parents that, they are no longer with us."

Illi hand stops tracing over the doodle. She stiffen in her seat.

What?

What?

You are no longer with us?

What the fuck does that mean?

Illi's eyes met with the teacher before she continued speaking.

But nothing was heard. Illi took her bag and ran. Frank, Mikey and Ray all followed. Yelling Illi's name as she sprinted down the hallway.

No, no,no. This is a fucking joke.

No way.

You didn't leave.

You didn't just stop living.

There's no way.

She saw you yesterday.

Said I love you. Kissed you. Your warmth against hers. Your fingers brushed through her hair.

You are still here.

She knows it.

Her legs were aching, crying in pain but Illi didn't listen till she was infront of your home. She called out for anyone in the house. A few minutes later, a family member opened the door. Their eyes puffy and red, looking at Illi before letting her in without any word.

Illi ran to your open, expecting to see you on your bed. Maybe on your chair. Just in your room.

But you weren't there. Your bed was unmade. The chair wasn't pushed back under your table like it always was. How does a room filled with posters, photos, trinkets and more - some how feel so hollow and so empty.

How does a room filled with memories, colours and the smell of you, feel so heavy and depressing.

It was instinct, if you could even call it that.

You were gone.

You left.

You won't be walking beside her at school anymore.

She will never feel your warmth in her hand.

Your soft chuckles.

Your smile.

You.

Illi walked to the edge of the bed, before getting on her knees. Her head on the bed, her hands clutching the bedsheets- sobbing hysterically as she finally realised.

The boys reached to the entrance of your bedroom, standing there - unsure on what to even do.

Can Illi even come back from this?

If anything, she lost herself.

You were her everything.

You gave everything to help her in her issues.

With her own pains and insecurities.

So why.

What did she not do enough of?

Come back and tell me.

Please.

It has been a few weeks.

Her family bringing her food to eat. Sometimes, Mikey had to feed her from time to time - Frank and Ray coming down to have a sleepover every weekend if they could.

And Illi.

Illi was just there.

Right now, she was in her room alone. It was the middle of the night, it has been a rough couple of days. Nightmares of the day you left kept haunting her - but if it means that she can think of you. She wouldn't want them to end.

Sitting on her bed, she clutched the letter you left for her. On the day she ran to your home. A family member handed her an envelope- with her name in your writing on the middle of it.

Everytime when Illi misses you, she would just open the letter and read it.

What were you even thinking as you were writing this?

The way Illi could feel the pressure you put against the paper as you wrote.

As if you want the words to stay as long as possible.

For you or for her, she would never know.

Illi's eyes traced the words on the piece of paper.

"My sweetheart,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, my love and I would understand fully if you don't accept my apologies. No matter how many times I would say it - I'm so sorry. You have showed me so much of me I didn't know I could even be. Your existence will always be something I'll search for in every lifetime I would live in. No matter how long or short it may be. Call me selfish- but Illi, without you. I'm practically nothing.

As I write this, I hope- maybe in the next life. I can be yours once again. If you allow it. Even if you remember this lifetime. I will do whatever I can to beg for your forgiveness to be yours again. I love you so much my sweetheart. God, I love you so fucking much. This decision- was something I have set myself to do for a while. I didn't want to tell you because I know you would drop everything for me. I didn't want that.

It's selfish enough that I want to escape all this, but I feel it's even more selfish when someone I love drops everything and anything to help me. I don't deserve it. Not one bit. So please, my love. Never ever blame yourself. I miss you already Illi. God. Thank you. Thank you so much for everything. God- thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me that even as someone as faulty and disgusting as me can be loved. Thank you for being my moonlight in the most terrible nights. Thank you for being my sole reason to keep trying till my final breath.

I'm just tired, sweetheart.

I just want to rest.

Till I'm ready to meet you again.

I hope I'll see you once again when I open my eyes.

Until then, sweet thing.

I love you so much. Goodnight, Illi.