#illi x reader

"Hey, how are you doing sweet thing? It's getting hotter these days. Summer is coming, can you believe that? Mikey has been pulling me out from my bed to head out with the others for today. I mean, I left my room today and went out. That counts for something right?" She let out a small tired chuckle. Her hands brushing against the mat underneath her. It was a little windy today, but it was the perfect day to be out.

"Sorry for being a little late! I forgot we were meeting today. I just wasn't feeling too good but with Mikey asking me to get out, I looked at the calendar and I rushed here."

Illi spoke as her hands moved to open her bag, pulling out a sketchbook and flipped the pages - landing on a particular page.

It was you. A few sketches of you on her bed, in your uniform and just silly little sketches of the both of you. "I tried capturing your smile without looking at your pictures. It's so difficult, so I pulled up some photos of us. Gosh, every single photo I see of you- you just get more beautiful. I'm so happy to call you mine."

Illi's eyes traced the lines that made you. Her fingers brushing against your face on the paper.

"Do you like it?" She whispered into the air, a gust of wind replies in return.

"Yeah. I knew you would."

She placed the sketchbook on her lap, taking a pencil and got to work, sketching something else in the silence- humming a little tune as she drew.

"I went to your locker, the school said that they needed to clear it out- for new students you know? Me and the boys, we all helped to clean. I found the little letters and doodles I gave you. You kept them in your journal. You wanted to make one of my doodles as a tattoo? You are stronger than me. I'm still afraid of needles but I want to get one just for you."

"Also, made a little DND character that is based around you. Gosh they are the strongest and most well written character I have done. That's how amazing and talented you are, sweet thing."

Illi shifted a little, adjusting her sitting position.

"I hope you don't mind that I kept some of your drawings. I really love them, but let me know if you want them back! I'll bring it back to your house. Hm, what else happened. Nothing much I guess. The days has been melting together. I guess. Just happy to be here with you."

Illi's eyes moved from the sketchbook to the craved stone infront of her. A soft smile on her lips before she leaned down pressing a kiss against the slight smooth surface.

"Will you ever respond back to me? Or maybe give me a sign that you're listening. As much as I love the wind - I want to hear you sweet thing."

"I draw you everyday to remind myself how you look like. The photos don't do justice. The cameras didn't capture you while you were asleep on my chest, or your bright smiles when I surprise you. The little frown when we don't hold hands in school. I just..don't want to forget them."

Her hand moved to rub the side of the stone.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't do enough. I'm so sorry. I'm still mad at you. Give a little more time to just..come to terms with it - just, I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. Are you doing well up there? Will there..Will you come back to me? Or do I have to run to you."

Illi's smile dampen a little, tears brimming in her eyes but she wiped them away immediately. Shaking her head and slapping her face with both of her hands to stop herself from crying.

"I'll be running to you soon. I promise."

A soft buzzing noise could be heard from her bag, she dig around to find her phone. Mikey was calling.

"I have to go, I'll come back tomorrow. I want to spend more time with you. I'll be back. I promise. I love you. I'll see you soon."

After packing everything, she placed a little drawing of the both of you on the bottom of the stone. Her finger tracing over the craved words and the dates. Pressing a lingering kiss on the top - she waved goodbye before leaving.

The cemetery was quiet now.

But Illi will be back to fill the silence up with her words and her kisses for you again.

A soft laugh escaped your lips as Illi drew another flower on your palm, it was ticklish- but you didn't mind, if anything you would love to get her drawings tattooed on you. You knocked your head against hers gently which was followed by a kiss on her cheek.

Sitting in her bedroom, you guys were there for another impromptu meet up. You just walked in with some snacks- a quick 'I miss you and I want to see my girlfriend' escaped your lips, followed by a bunch of kisses. The both of you are sitting side by side - almost like you would fuse together, just drawing to now drawing on each other.

"You have your sketchbook right in front of you, love. Why are you drawing on my palms now. Trying to sneakily read my palms?" You joked, looking down at your palm, her hand under yours holding still while she drew without a care in the world. "Nah, just bored. Plus hearing you laugh? God, a two for one. Plus you love flowers so I'm drawing something you love, sweet thing." Illi replied softly- her tone sweet as honey. Letting the marker glide over your palm.

"It's romantic." You teased. Illi quirked her eyebrow at that.

"Romantic?"

"Yeah, it's like- you're marking me, in a way." You joked- a hint of a certain innuendo laced within your words.

"Oh get your head out of the gutter." Illi huffs, rolling her eyes before letting out a soft laugh. She turned your hand over and started to draw again. You lay your head on her shoulder, just watching her in silence.

The marker moved to your ring finger, Illi paused for a moment before drawing a ring on it. Your breath hitched for a moments you realised what she was doing.

"It looks pretty, don't you think?" You didn't know if Illi was asking about the ring or something else but you quietly nodded, looking at the drawn ring with surprise. "Did you just design this at the top of your head?"

Illi let out a soft hum to agree with your question. "Thought about what you like, your style. You." Your eyes soften at her words and you couldn't help but to give her another kiss on her cheek. "What about you? What kind of ring would you get?"

Illi eyes met yours for a moment to think about it. "I don't know, never really thought about it for me. If I'm being honest, I only thought about yours sweet thing but - maybe a simple band that has your name in it. It could be the first letter of our names as well." Your fingers interlocked with hers as she spoke. "I thought about our wedding however, just running away, exchanging rings and just being each others rock. Fuck, I thought it all." Illi's words made your heart pound even more.

"I never thought I would be loved like this. It's so- so new to me. I never seen myself as someone's lover let alone someone's wife, so you telling me all this- it's just alot - like good alot. Makes me want to scream with excitement or like bounce across the wall type of thing." You looked at the drawing on your finger, before speaking again. "At first commitment scared me. What if I wasn't enough. What if I mess up and the person would leave me. I felt like I have to learn to be a decent lover for the person. However, you make love easy. You made loving easy. God Illi, I just- fuck. Being in love with you, being in a relationship with you- it makes me feel so softy and squishy."

At this point you were just rambling, your ears turning red and your face heating up from the overwhelming feelings you had within you, together with Illi's gaze on you. It was like you hung the moon and the stars for her.

Illi lets out a chuckle, letting her hand cup your cheek. "Breathe sweet thing, you look like you are going to explode in front of me. Can't lose you that quickly. We just celebrated being together for a year a week ago."

"Sorry I just - I love you Illi, I thought about it too, marriage I mean, having matching rings with you. Choosing them or even making our own. I just - is it too much, god I don't-"

"It isn't alot, it isn't. If anything it makes it even more exciting for us, to know that we love each other so much that we are thinking about rings for each other." Illi cooed and pressed her lips against yours for a few seconds before breaking the kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Illi." You responded, your eyes sparkling with happiness and love.

"Now let's get something to eat, okay? We haven't eaten yet sweet thing, let me put back my sketchbook and we can head down to the diner to grab something okay?"

"Yeah, let me just use your bathroom!" As you left to do your business, Illi got up from the bed, taking her sketchbook and placed it on the table. She looked over a shoulder to check around her and opened her drawer on the table.

A velvet box sits inside of the drawer, Illi let's her finger drag across the material before closing it.

"Maybe I can pop the question on our date."

She whispers to herself with a smile on her face and walked away from the table to get ready to have dinner with her everything.

fluff fluff fluff! i love fulff so much, i just wanted to write something like this for a while. finally got around to it. alot of thing happened but i feel better than ever. im finding myself again and im just happy. tired but happy.

thank you for reading this! i love you so much, take care, stay hydrated and ill see you on the next one <3

Your eyes watched the water ripple after tossing a pebble in the river.

Another day with the group outside, the boys were smoking a few feet away from you, smoking or just sitting around- you weren't sure what they are doing but it was noisy. They were talking about the best Magic The Gathering decks ; from what you can get after listening in for a few seconds. A small chuckle escaped your lips at their silly little argument.

The leaves crunched to your right and you felt that person sitting beside you- you could feel their eyes against you, as if it was burning holes against the side of your head. Their eyes taking in your droopy posture.

"You know, you can make the pebbles skip across the water." Illi recalled, taking a pebble between the both of you, with a flick of her wrist, she let's it go. The both of you watched as the pebble skip across the water before it sank into the bottom of the lake.

Illi waited for a response from you, but you didn't even peep a word. Your eyes trained on the spot where the pebble sank. You felt a pair of lips pressed against the side of your head and that made you turn you move, turning your head to look at her better. Illi was sitting crossed legged beside you.

"There you are. A penny for your thought?" Illi asked, giving you a peck against your lips. In a way, her kisses were coaxing you out of the spiraling state you were in.

"Nothing much, just thinking about something- I don't know. I don't know how to put it into words I guess." You answered, brushing your fingers against her hand that was on her knee. Your fingers drawing stars on the back of it. "Just word vomit, we can figure it out together. No need to over think it- just let it out." She whispered back, turning her hand up to intertwine your fingers with hers.

"Sometimes it feels like it's too much. Surviving, existing, living. All these things, all these words. They make me feel so afraid to do it all. Being clean for this long. It makes me wonder if it's the right thing to do sometimes. I mean I know it's the right thing to do." Illi's grip tightens a little, her thumb brushing against the knuckle of your thumb. Silent reassurance as you kept talking.

"I don't know why but it makes it feel like it's a selfish thing to do. Selfish because the people around me, they aren't moving along with me. Selfish because there are moments where I don't deserve to be happy like this. All the things I went through, now finding peace from it- moving along from it. It feels like I don't deserve it. I don't know why it feels that way."

Illi looks at you for a moment, taking in your words. "I know it's silly- I'm sorry Illi, we are supposed to have fun but I just, it was easier hurting myself, hating myself - because there was a reason. Right now, I'm trying to find the reason on why I deserve to be happy. Do I really deserve to be happy if everyone else around me isn't? Is it selfish?"

"You don't live for others but for yourself."

Illi's words made you stop and think for a moment.

"You are my lover, you are a friend, you are a child to your parents- you are someone, the things around you makes you. You choose what you love and hate, you choose what you wear, what you eat what you do. It isn't anyone's choice on what or what not you can do. So if cutting people off, or fucking healing and getting the proper help you need is what you need to do, the fucking do it." She muttered, her eyes never leaving you - even if you weren't looking back at her.

Illi brought the back of your hand, pressing her lips against it- giving it small little kisses gently. "Your skin is still so warm, your blood pulses under your skin, you are still here. Breathing, living and I'm forever grateful that we both are alive for this long till we are now in each other lives. We don't face the horrors alone. We go through them together now. You shouldn't apologise for living life the way you want. You shouldn't even apologise for merely just existing." Her lips brushed against your skin as she muttered.

Your bottom lip jutting out, holding back from sobbing and breaking down in front of Illi and the boys which you realised aren't around the vicinity anymore. It was just the both of you now. Illi lets out a soft sigh, her hand letting go of yours and wrapping her arm around you waist- tracing the side of your body, to keep you grounded.

"It isn't selfish. People make it sound like it is, but I promise you- it isn't, you are doing the right thing and I'm so fucking proud of you, my love. Thank you for being here. Thank you for fighting to stay alive, to see the next sunrise, to make more memories with me. Memories for yourself."

Illi's free hand turning your arm to trace over your healed scars- looking at them; one in sadness for not being there when it all went down and another in pride, you made it this far, the scars old- like a chapter was over and the healing was a whole new chapter in your story.

"God fuck, you mean everything to me. No matter how painful or sad your journey is, I'm going to be there with you. I promise you that. No matter how you look, no matter what happens, if you relapse or anything like that. I'm never letting go of your hand."

She gave you a reassuring smile. Her head tilt a little to look into your eyes. She leans in closer and you did the same. Your lips pressed against hers tenderly, her free hand cupping your cheek and your hands clutched the front of her shirt. Tears rolled down your cheeks as you kissed.

You pulled away for a moment to speak. "Thank you Illi. Thank you for being here with me throughout it all. I'm so sor-"

"Don't apologise..you didn't do anything wrong. I love you so much. Thank you for fighting for you."

A smile blossomed on your lips.

The journey may be hard, but you know that at least, you won't be alone in this.

thank you for reading this. being 9 months clean means the absolute world to me. its so hard making it this far, but im doing this for me. i want to see the next day, i want to be here with you.

please do contact helplines if you are at the lowest, talk to someone you trust. we all unique and beautiful little aliens- in our own ways. thank you for being here. thank you for living, thank you for doing things for you.

i love you so much, take care, stay hydrated and ill see you on the next one <3

Illi had enough, she doesn't want this space between the both of you.

It was the end of the day. Everyone was walking back home, you decided to stay back to finish up some art assignments - excuses to not go with the others. Illi knew and usually she would let it past with a small disappointed smile at your words and that was about it.

Not today though. No, today is going to be different.

She was standing outside of the art room, as she was walking here she thought about the many ways this conversation will go about. How she would apologise and speak about her insecurities. How you would understand and speak about things on your side.

It will all end with you guys being together- as a couple. Officially.

It won't be so hard right?

Right?

She took a few deep breathes before opening the door and walked in. Her eyes scanned the room before they landed on your back. It was quiet, sunlight streamed from the window- casting this glow on the tilted floor and lighting up the room.

You were sitting on a stool, a huge unfinished canvas in front of you, she watched your paintbrush glide over the canvas. The silence did her no favours, it was like how small and quiet it has been between the both of you has been.

She hates it- she really does.

Illi wanted to run away. She just wants to pretend this never happened and speak to you normally.

But she knows that's not possible. She has to fix this.

You stood up to take a break, your back cracked a little as you stretched, wanting to get a drink at the vending machine- you turned around to head out but you were greeted by Illi standing there instead.

"Illi?" Your voice soft, confused and awkward. Why is she here?

"Hey I- I just wanted to see you, um- here"

"Well you have seen me now Illi, you can go now I guess?" Petty, but you have your reasons.

Illi shook her head, taking a few steps towards you. "No, I don't mean it like that. (Y/N) listen, about the day you confessed to me, I thought about it and I fe-"

"It's fine." You cut her off and you continued to speak.

"You don't like girls like that, it's fine, I get it. Look, I feel uncomfortable talking to you about this so can we stop this conversation?" Your hands clenched the bottom of your skirt, looking at her for a moment before looking down at your shoes.

"I'm sorry. Truly. Just, it's awkward now. Sorry Illi."

"It isn't your fault. It's mine. None of this is on you. Please, please just, listen to me. Please." Illi replied, her voice soft and afraid- afraid that she wouldn't have the chance to speak to you again about this, about anything at all.

She was praying that you would give her an opportunity to talk about it. You thought about it for a moment and then you gave her a small nod. Illi let out a sigh, playing with the ends of her uniform sleeve, she started to speak.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for rejecting you like that. I cut you off, I let you down in a horrible way and I left. That was horrible for me to do and I want us to work things out again. Please, let's works things out again. I miss you. I miss us." Her voice was trembling as she spoke- her eyes looking at you, figuring out how you were feeling by your body language alone.

You didn't speak for a moment. Why weren't you speaking?

The fear within her grew in size- it was making a bigger pit inside of her.

Say something, please. Please.

"You called me weird"

"What?" Illi looked at you- like really looked at you as if your skin bares the answers she needed to understand what you are saying.

"Illi, you called me weird. You told me, that I'm weird. Just because I like girls. I'm weird, liking girls is weird. I-"

Your hands moved up to your face wiping away your tears as quickly as you can. You didn't want to cry in front of her - hell you didn't even know you were crying till you felt your tears hit your uniform.

"I thought, you felt the same. I assumed, I shouldn't have. I thought we had something going on. Whatever we did half way through all of that, it wasn't friendly to me anymore. It was something other than that. I loved you Illi, in a way I have never loved anyone else. I didn't know I could love someone this way before till I met you. You made it feel like I can be myself in front of you, that I can love you without any fear."

The tears didn't stop they kept flowing, soft sobs left from your lips but you still pushed on, you still spoke.

"I didn't know how to move on from this- and I still don't. Having someone you loved and someone you are friends with, calling you weird because you are simply existing. How does on recover from this? How does on find a way to overcome this and love someone else? It was scary confessing but it's scarier not being accepted and loved because you are 'weird' to the people you love the most. It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad, Illi."

Illi only could stand there and listen.

And god she understands.

She does.

She's on the same boat too.

You could hear her walk towards you slowly, as if you were a frightened deer. She stood in front of you and her hands moved to cup your cheeks- her thumbs wiped your tears away gently.

Actions speaks more than words right?

"You are not weird, if you are weird then so am I."

"Illi, what are you talking about?"

Illi eyes met yours- she was determined, she needs you to know.

"I like girls too, I love you, (Y/N)"

Well that's- no- you didn't know what to think about this. A few days ago she said it's weird and now she's confessing?

"What the fuck are you saying?" You pulled her hands away like they burned, looking at her with anger and a tad bit of disappointment.

"I don't - I can't believe you, after what you said. I don't know how to feel and what to feel! It feels like you are just playing with me!" Illi holds your hand in hers as she speaks- she can't let this slip away any longer.

"I was afraid- afraid of my identity, about who I love. I- I have been outcasted and treated different because of it and I know it isn't an excuse with how I replied to your confession but please. Please, let me prove to you how much you mean to me. Please (Y/N)."

Her grip tightens around your hand, her eyes never straying - she needs you to understand. "I love you, (Y/N). God I- I can't lose you, I don't want to lose you. I was scared. When you told me that you loved me; the first thought that came to mind was all the people back then who would confess just for the hell of it- to make fun of me. They found all of that to be entertainment. Plus I was transition, they found me.. weird."

It burns to say this but Illi wants you to know- she wants you.

"I know forgiveness doesn't come easy but I want to work on that, I want to work on myself too and for us too. If you let me." She brought the back of your hand to her lips, pressing a gentle kiss and rubbed her cheek against it with eyes closed.

Taking in her words, you couldn't help but to feel hurt, to feel upset. To the people who pushed her, to the people who didn't see her and just treated her like she didn't exist. Your eyes feel wet once again- tears threatening to spill.

"We can work on us. We can help each other Illi."

You replied, you voice small yet you meant it. "The past won't hurt us anymore. The past is in the past but it takes time and Illi, I love you for you- no matter how you look, who you are. I just want you Illi. I want my Illi. No one else. I love you too, Illi."

Illi eyes snapped open- she was basically vibrating in excitement. Her arms wrapped around you like a kid holding their favourite toy. Her face buried on the crook of your neck, Illi's nose brushing against your skin. Your scents calms her down, reminding her that this isn't a dream.

Your arms wrapped around her neck a soft giggle escaped your lips at her holding you tightly, your fingers brushing through her hair to calm her down a little.

"Mm, we will be okay Illi. We have each other now."

"I love you so so much. Thank you."

Before you could even reply, her slightly chapped lips pressed against yours- it took a few seconds to melt into the kiss.

It's going to be okay because this time, you will love without fear.

i'm sick. very very sick. i have been having headaches that lasts for a few days. i'll be okay. just need to rest. i don't like being sick.

so please, do take care of yourself, drink loads of water. thank you for reading - it means alot to me.