#viawrites

Being with a man older than you was something. It was good- don't get it wrong. It felt- safe, warm, loving. You were in this..relationship- you would say?

And that was none other than Frank Iero.

A single guitar and multiple meet ups - with a ton of questions - in the same music shop that you have been working at - you slowly ended up in his arms, like you were meant to be there. A piece of a puzzle that was missing. Both of you are consenting adults. You guys knew what you were doing, You guys knew your boundaries with each other and for yourselves.

But, there wasn't an official title between you both.

Being with him was being with the sun everyday. It never damped you at all, it always something new with him. You felt like you didn't deserve it but Frank always reminded you.

That was weeks ago however, right now - you are just confused on what happened. From kisses on your skin to make you giggle while being on his bed, now he just faces his back towards you as it was time to sleep. From holding hands in public or his eyes finding you in every crowded room - they just stopped. Instead, he pulls away once you guys walked into a room, like your touch burned. Like he didn't want to be around you..

You didn't know what to do.

You were just- stuck. Who could you even turn too about this? Your friends? They can help but to a certain extend. Let's not even talk about family, they weren't happy when they found out about your relationship - if you could even call it that - with Frank. You were sitting in your own apartment, a gruelling day at work, all you wanted was him. The only source of light was your phone in the dark room as you looked at the messages you sent him today. None of them read but delivered.

"Hi love! Hope you have taken your coffee for the day! I'm heading to work! I love you!"

"My supervisor asked me to stock up a lot of things today :(( I'm exhausted, wish you were here. I miss you!"

"I tried to play the riff you taught me! I think I'm getting there! Slowly but surely! Come back here soon!! I wanna learn more!"

"Frank? You haven't read any of my messages, is everything okay?"

"Sorry this will be my last message, I'm just worried, love. Please..whenever you can, reply to me."

Rubbing your eyes a little, you laid back down on your bed, overthinking and just nit-picking everything to figure out where it went wrong. What even happened.

Was it you?

Did you something?

Curling up on your cold bed, you fell asleep, wondering if Frank was okay.

It was a snowball affect, Frank would say.

Meeting you at the shop for the first time, it was truly something special for him. You were the cutest thing his eyes has laid upon. You knew music, god- you were a beast in the knowledge of it all but when to playing an instrument, you didn't know much about it. When you first mentioned that to him, he gave a low chuckle and then promptly saying that he doesn't mind teaching you. You were in disbelief when he said he could help you.

At first you swiftly disagreed- talking about how he has better things to do, he's in a band, blah blah blah. Frank's eyes were on you as you rambled a little about he could be 'doing something better.' or whatever you said. However, he is a stubborn man. So he came back the next day, his guitar in hand, waiting till it was break time for you. Since then, you guys slowly got closer and closer till you were each other lives.

However he was scared to seal it completely. Just in fear.

He didn't know when he slowly started pulling away- well he does, he just doesn't want to say it out loud. To make it permanent. To make it true. He felt his phone buzz for the whole day. Your messages coming through, fuck- he wanted to apologise for being distant. For being silent. He wanted to know how you were, he was just a pussy.

Frank doesn't really know when all this feeling happened. It just did- just realising how young you were, how much of your lingo or what you did at your age. He didn't know anything. He was lost, unsure.

Insecure.

And because of one single conversation that made him this way.

A few weeks ago before everything went down . He was in his home studio with some of his own friends. Strumming on his guitar while he pondered in thought. A few days ago, he brought you out for a small little date. Seeing you dressed up and clinging by his side really made his heart pound with love and joy. You were talking about stuff that he didn't understand but he was listening and asked questions about it. You eagerly replied, telling him so much about your interests- he couldn't help but to lean down to press a kiss against your lips.

After that day, you would message about him about more facts about your likes. He loved them- don't get him wrong. Just, it reminds him of his age. How he fears like he couldn't keep up. Hell, some of his tattoos are older than you.

The insecurity just bloomed. He's older, so he felt a bit of ashame to tell you this as well.

"Hey man, you thinking about your sweet thing now?"

One of his friends spoke up, giving him a small smirk.

Frank let out a soft laugh before speaking. "I am, but not like that. Just..confused I guess."

His friend's smirk slowly disappeared, he straighten his back up on the chair.

"Come on, let's talk about it."

"Well, just - you know the age gap we have. I mean, you all do. Both of us are old enough to choose what we want and don't want. These days I feel like, I'm not enough. I'm older and I'm afraid that I can't keep up with them. Y'know? Sometimes when they talk about what they like, or the things they went through - I couldn't really see myself in that or help out. It's so different. We go through the same thing sometimes but it's different."

His friend nodded at his words before speaking up.

"Maybe you gotta step back and think if you want this. Just, maybe seeing other woman your age? I can help you with that."

This is where everything started to crash and burn.

You adjusted your sweater for the cold weather you were about to step out to from the warmth of your apartment. You looked back down to the paper bag you were holding, a few baked goods you bought after your shift today for Frank. Maybe this could cheer him up a little? You weren't sure anymore but you wanted to try to work things out.

Heading that didn't help calm your nerves. If anything, you had this itching feeling that something is bound to happen. It was going to be bad too. You didn't know why, you blamed it on your overthinking of many things- thinking about the worse possible thing or maybe it was just a possible gut feel that you were trying not to agree with.

Soon you were outside his home. The lights were on, which wasn't that surprising but what was is the different voices behind the door. Is there something they were celebrating? Maybe you forgot? Maybe he wanted you to rest so he didn't tell you about it?

You walked around the house a little, to see if you can maybe take a peek? Strange but - you didn't feel like knocking and just cutting off something fun. There was a window that you could see into, it shows a bit of the living room where majority of the people were. You hid a little as your eyes flickered before landing on him.

Why was he..

His lips pressed onto another woman's cheek.

A woman who was similar to him in age. She smiled at him before pressing a quick peck on his lips and pulled away from him, heading to the kitchen.

Frank was smiling.

What?

Your heart sank, there was this heavy crushing feeling within you.

What the fuck?

Your breathing laboured as you looked away, turning as you let your feet move on it's own. You didn't know where you were going but as long as it wasn't his home.

Were you just..nothing to him?

Does he know her before meeting you?

You didn't know what to do.

Is this why he didn't want to be in a relationship with you? Because he was already a taken man?

this is longer, way more longer than I expected it to be. I hope you like it so far! idk why, I have been having headaches for almost a week straight. im..worried. kind of.

also, thank you for 50 followers..im forever grateful :3!! ily ily ily ily!!

take care of yourselves guys. ilysm. stay hydrated my little aliens and ill see you on the next one. 🤍✨️

Your eyes watched silently as Ray played his guitar backstage. Dressed up in his attire for the show.

The Return of the Black Parade.

The band have been on tour again for a few months now. No matter how many times you have seen him in this outfit- it always makes you feel so shy and just down right happy for him. To see him in his element, to watch him be the talent person on his guitar. You couldn't help but swoon and just feel all proud and excited.

Right now, you didn't want to disturb his last minute practice but you wanted to give him a small kiss of luck before he goes on stage. Your feet moved to stand behind him, your fingers brushing his hair back before pressing a kiss on his cheek- feeling his beard on your lips. His fingers stopped moving - turning his head to look at you.

"Hey, that's not where you kiss me good luck."

You let out a soft chuckle.

"I didn't want to disturb you, love. You were really focused and I didn't want to just stop you for a kiss. Just a quick kiss on your cheek wouldn't really break your focus."

Ray shook his head, setting his guitar down, taking off his headphones and placing it on the table. He turned around, finally facing you fully. Arms wrapped around your waist- pulling your closer.

Without any words his lips found yours, one of his hands on your lower back, pushing you closer to him as you kissed.

Your body melt against him - arms wrapping around his neck, deeping the kiss for a moment. Unfortunately oxygen was needed and you didn't want Ray to pass out before he could even step on stage. So you broke the kiss first and Ray lips quickly tried to catch up with your lips to bring you to another kiss again. A finger was placed on his lips- followed by muffled laughter.

Your hand covering your mouth as you laughed.

"You can get more later. Okay? You have to perform soon."

"Just one more. I promise. Just one more."

"Ray!" Before you could even speak his lips found yours once more. His hand moving to cup your cheek- gis thumb brushing your cheek bone lovingly.

"See that wasn't so bad right?" Ray whispered against your lips.

You could only roll your eyes at his words. "Good luck out there."

He gave you a small smile, before grabbing his guitar to walk out with the others on stage.

It didn't take long for the concert to start and immediately from soft touches on your skin and gentle motions - he did a complete 180 and was shredding his guitar like it was the last thing he could do before the world ends, like this was his only way to breathe.

No matter how many times you watched him play, it never fails to amaze you. The more you watched him making the stage his - you wondered.

How are you even his?

And how is he even yours?

Ever since that day, you just have been thinking about it, it didn't affect you alot - just sometimes you sit there and wonder. That's all.

Ray could tell.

And he wanted to know what got into his lover's head. What made you think so much that you sit there just zoning out.

The both of you were in your shared home. A little break from touring, to spend time with loved ones. Immediately Ray asked for the whole day in with you, he misses you - to touch you and to kiss you again? While being cooped up under a bunch of your blankets that you couldn't stop buying?

It was heaven to the man.

His head was on your chest, his arm around your waist, rubbing your lower back as the both of you watched a show that honestly got a little boring after a while.

Ray turned his head to look at you, your fingers threading through his hair gently, combing out his curls a little.

"Hey, what it's in your head, sweetheart. Do you want to share it with me?"

No pushing of answers, not forcing it out of you. Just here. Waiting if you want to speak about it or not.

"I'm here to listen, y'know?" He leans in, pressing a kiss under youe jaw.

Your eyes met his and you gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

"It's nothing crazy or just sad, just thinking that's all." It was said quietly, a little embarrassed to even say it out loud. As if the words would sound too loud. Like it would echo and bounce across the four walls.

"Your pain is mine too, my love. I want to help in any way I can, no matter how big or small it is." His hand finds yours, pressing kisses against your knuckles, his eyes closed, feeling your warmth against his lips.

You blushed a little at his actions, still not used to all of this no matter how long you have been with him.

"Ray, I promise it's nothing serious. Just, why me? I get why, at least I think I do." You hand that was in his moved to cup his cheek, looking down at him.

"It's just- see you in stage, seeing you out there, performing your heart out. It made me think about how much I don't deserve you. How you are incredibly talented in what you do, how you change people with just a strum on your guitar. You light up people's worlds with your words, your kindness, your love for others. It makes me feel a little insane to be the one that calls you mine."

Ray listened to your words for a moment, before sitting up on the couch beside you, his hand on your blanket covered thigh.

"You, have been everything I have been looking for." He started of- fingers brushing over the blanket lovingly. His eyes meeting your for a second before looking down.

"When you said that you would want to be my girlfriend. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was too good to be true. I thought it was just a joke. You, saved me. In more ways than you would ever know. Coming home to you, living with you. Seeing you after everything. I don't think I could ever find peace like this at all, sweetheart."

He gave of a nervous smile, to embarrassed to be saying all this.

"I love you alot, (Y/N). Like alot."

A warm feeling spreads all across your chest to the rest of your body. Your hands cupped his face and you pressed a deep kiss against his, smiling into it.

Breaking the kiss, you pressed your forehead against his.

"I love you too, Ray. Thank you for everything. I love you so much."

He smiles even more wider before pulling you on top of him as his back meets the couch. You let out a surprised yelp, before laughing.

Ray looks at you like you carried life itself. Like you were the most beautiful thing that walks this earth.

God, he's so happy to call you his.

im not gonna lie. this was so hard to write. omg, but I hope you guys like it!! remember to stay hydrated, take care of yourself!

ilysm, see you on the next one

🤍✨️

○ It was a cute area, but the news didn't talk about how it was slowly infested with the living dead.

○ You guys couldn't do much, the lamp you brought for the cute date stopped working. You had to run in the dark.

○ Running in darkness, the both of you kept pushing, you looked back not knowing there was a zombie infront of you. Illi yelled and ran faster, using her body to block the bite that was meant to be on your shoulder.

○ Her cries echoed out in the forest, you looked around, taking a stone and ramming it against the zombie's head. It felt..soft? In a way. The head of it split open and it's jaw when lax, allowing Illi to pull her arm away.

○ You were shaking, your right hand that held the stone was covered in blood, not the red you knew. It was almost brown-ish. Immediately you dropped the stone. Moving to Illi to check on her.

○ "Fuck, FUCK! Illi, we- we can bring you to the hospital. There's a bus stop not far from here. We can- stop a car. PLEASE! LET'S GO-" You yelled, tears streaming down your eyes as she looked down at the bite. She knew.

○ "No,no,no. We..I can't- I'll be killed. I would be put down because..there's no cure.. " Illi muttered before looking at you, through unshed tears. You shook your head, trying to bring her up to her feet. Ignoring the gruesome bite on her arm. You could see her flesh ripped a little, blood dripping down onto the grass.

○ Illi didn't listen, heading back home with you following behind her. She washed up in her bathroom in her room. You sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at your lap. Afraid of what will happen after this.

○ A few moments later, you guys sat on the bed, side my side. Illi looking at you profile. "Yeah, I chose this- We both know that there isn't a cure for this and I- I don't want to go to the hospital where the only solution is them just.. killing me. Call me selfish but I want to be with you, sweet thing."

○ A week went by, you could see Illi slowly changing ovrtime. However, she didn't want to worry you. She still kissed you lovingly - treating you right. Just being the Illi you know and love.

○ But you could see, you were losing her. She was slower now, she was not understanding certain stuff. She sounds tired when she speaks. She was..slowly disappearing and all you could do was just sit and watch.

○ Then, everything changed when she was stopped eating the food you made. At night she disappears, and comes back home, all clean and such but when you look at her even closer. Her finger nails were covered in blood under them. Her clothes sometimes would have drops of blood. She says she feels full when she hasn't even eaten anything yet.

○ You knew. You knew and you didn't want to come to terms with it. It was horrible. You cried your heart out as Illi was making gurgling noises from the other side of the door. She was worried. She needed to be there with you.

○ Illi slammed on the door, fuck she is still her! She is! Even if her skin was grey, her veins visible- her bones that could be traced and felt over her skin. She is still Illi. Please.

○ You didn't open the door the whole night. Falling asleep after that whole crying session. You opened the door to check on Illi. She was on the floor. Huffing and puffing.

○Your hand touched the back of her back. Before you could utter a word, sher head snapped. Your eyes widened. She's gone.

It isn't Illi anymore. It's just her body but mentally. She's long gone. You yelled, you shake her. Stupid of you but what can you do- you just wanted her back. Illi's nails sink into your arm, digging and scratching your skin. Blood oozing out. You didnt care. Your eyes shed tears as you cup her face. You looked at her with a soft smile before pressing a kiss against her chapped lips.

"I'll miss you so much Illi. I love you."

Illi didn't reply, she just groaned and swung at you, grabbing you tightly on your shoulders, pushing you down. All you could do is smile at her as her teeth clenched on the side of your neck. You grind your teeth to hild back your screams. Your arms wrapped around her, closing your eyes to let yourself be hers once more.

This life failed you and Illi.

Hopefully in another. You could experience the love you were horrendously ripped from.

WAIT THIS WAS FUN!! THANK YOU ANON FOR THIS COOL ASS IDEA!! HEHEHE !! STAY HYDRATED!! ILYSM!! ILL SEE YOU ON THE NEXT ONE!!

Illi lips was on yours- your hands on her cheek, bringing her closer than ever. You were both in her room another small date in the comfort of her bed. Sitting on her lap as her hands moved down from your shoulders - following the curve of your spine.

Before any of you could go further, her phone started ringing. Immediately she pulled away, leaning over to grab her phone from the bedside table. You let out a soft huff, a little annoyed from the moment being cut. Your eyes watched as she answered the call, speaking into the phone, her hand slowly pulling away from your body. You knew what was going to happen now and you didn't feel like fighting today.

You got off of her lap, opting to sit on the edge of the bed while she spoke on the phone. Her smile a little brighter now as she talked about a band practice at hers. In the garage - as always. It has been this way for a while. You didn't know why- if anything, you didn't know what you guys even were. You make out, you kiss, but haven't gone further than that.

You guys go on dates, but they are in private. You guys don't show off your..love- to everyone. Only in private.

You knew you had to leave this mess but it was Illi. Someone you knew for quite some time. The feelings you had for her- it was real and it was painful. It was raw and just gut wrenching, you didn't know if it was too much for her. Your eyes traced her figure as she lean back against the headboard of her bed. As if the kissing, the making out - didn't even happen.

You shook your head, getting up from the bed, you grabbed your bag at the foot of it and sling it over yourself. You should head home. There was no point.

Illi watched as you moved, quickly she muted the call before asking - "Hey? Where are you going?"

"Home."

"Home?"

"Oh..okay, get back home safe."

And with that, she went back to the call again.

You gave her a quick tight lip smile, even though she didn't look back at you. No, nothing at all.

Not even a kiss goodbye.

With that you left her room.

Days passed.

You guys still meet. You knew you love her, loved? You weren't sure anymore.

Weeks.

Months.

Prom.

Prom? Oh. It's prom season.

You eyes watched as she spoke to the guys, laughing softly as she picked out a dress. A black dress with a sweetheart neckline with some straps. She said she wanted to wear some gloves with them. Cute.

Very cute. You smiled as she spoke to the guys, if anything she is closer to them. You looked around the thrift shop to see if anything captures your eye. Would you want to have the same coloured outfit to match? Would she even want that?

Would that spread rumours?

Maybe that would show that you are with her in that sense. Not friends.

Lovers.

A relationship that was slowly blooming between the both of you.

A sense of hope that is love.

You watched her again, Illi's hand brushing against Frank's shoulder as she leaned in, laughing at something he said. Ray and Mikey looking at the both of them with gentle smiles.

You picked a different outfit of a different colour.

Illi looked at her phone. The message sent but no reply. It was seen, that was true. You were online on messaging apps on her computer. Avoidance.

You were avoiding her. Not as much though. It wasn't completely. If anything you were avoiding her when it's just between the two of you. You are friends with the others. You were too kind. Not to stir anything within the friend group. No one knew the stolen kisses, fingers brushing against each other. Silent moments between the both of you.

No one knew.

One day, Illi was on her computer- looking through random posts. Her eyes settled on two people, waving their flags with pride, kissing each other like they weren't receiving death threats just for being themselves - like the kiss brought life for each other.

Illi eyes wondered to her phone that was resting beside her mouse on the table. Still dark. Not lighting up with your usual messages.

Odd isn't it?

It feels empty.

Why?

She knew what she was doing.

But why did it hurt?

If she feels this way. How were you feeling?

She shook her head.

She wasn't..

No. She's not.

Illi looked at the photo again, imagining the both of you in their place. A warm sensation floods through her chest. Immediately she puts it out, shutting the computer and went to her bed. Curling up on the mattress, she couldn't help but to imagine you beside her. Your warmth against her, your lips pressed against her slightly chapped lips. Your scent, your voice, your smile, your laugh, your humour, your skin, your hair, your talents, your -

You.

Just you.

Maybe she is..

Maybe..

You washed yourself hard, scrubbing your skin. Days like this kept pilling up. Wearing baggy clothing almost constantly, at school you would always wear a jacket. Hiding yourself from everyone. No matter what you wore. A skirt or some pants. You didn't feel..great.

Mirrors were covered.

Photos of you were hard to look at.

You weren't enough. You didn't know how to even be enough.

Your mind just drifts. Your body felt like it was floating in a body of water, no wanting to think a single thing. You didn't think of yourself as you. Mentally you were floating, but physically? You didn't think about how you looked then. No body. You were just there. Floating.

Dysphoria makes it harder to leave your bed. Finding comfort under the blankets that covered you. You didn't need to get up to think about what to wear to be comfortable for a few hours. Unfortunately school was a must.

You still speak to the others. Even Illi. You could feel her beside you or just behind you when you guys head to class. Sitting with you at the cafeteria. Her hand reached for your but you pulled away like it burnt.

Immediately Illi snapped her head to look at you. She was..devastated. You could only look down at your food, holding back the tears.

Prom came.

You were suffering.

The outfit made you feel like shit.

You just wanted to rip it apart.

If you could, your skin as well. Stitch it back to form the perfect body. To be normal.

Why weren't you normal?

Why weren't you enough for her?

Maybe she didn't want you because it's you.

If people saw you intimate with her. It was cause a huge problem. It was be called disgusting, it would be called a disgrace. No kid should see it. It was a shame.

It was eating you alive, you didn't know what to do. You didn't know who to even turn too.

You adjusted your outfit a little.

And you left to your school.

Illi's watched as you walked into the gymnasium. A living breathing work of art. She stood there, watching as you walked as if one wrong move you would be laughed at. A deer learning how to walk for the first time. Your hands adjusting your clothes every chance you could. Awkwardly heading to get some juice so you would have something to hold.

Fuck.

What did she do to you.

Frank's arm wrapped around Illi's shoulder, matching colour bowtie with her dress. Frank was talking to Ray and Mikey, god knows what they were talking about, she couldn't bother to care. Illi just watched you, wanting to reach out to you, to brush her thumb against your lips. To wrap her arms around your waist. Whispering loving words into your ear and watch you giggle at the sensation of it all.

You looked tired. So tired of everything.

Of yourself.

It was like you were holding yourself with tape.

Like you could collapse at any moment. You didn't come to find them. You stood alone. Feet shuffling under you as you watched everyone under the lights.

Like you don't belong.

You do.

Beside her.

But you don't know that.

Your eyes met hers, before moving to see Frank's arm around her shoulders, holding her close to him. The matching colours.

Your eyes widened for a moment before you walked out of the gymnasium. Excusing yourself.

Immediately Illi pulled away, thank god for sneakers as she followed, quickly catching up with you.

Squatting behind the school, you leaned against the wall. Breathing heavily, your arms wrapped around your body as you fell into a panic. Your fingernails just clenching your shoulders, your nails digging through the clothes, hoping to dig through your skin. Your eyes spilling tears like there wad no way of stopping it. You wanted to puke. You wanted to disappear.

It was too good to be true.

You look like this, you think like this.

You were disgusting.

She doesn't want you because she doesn't think the way you do.

That's the worse kind of feeling.

You just want to be loved.

What's so wrong with that?

Why were you seen different? Isn't it just love? Why is there limits to love? Why must it be between two specific people?

You just wanted to be loved.

Arms wrapped your shoulders, her scent floods your nose. Before you could even comprehend what was happening, you pushed her.

You were shaking even more, curling up as much as you can. Sobbing and just yelling at her to leave.

Illi wasn't backing down. No way.

Immediately she got onto her knees, not bothering if her dress gets dirty. Prying your hands that was scratching your skin on your shoulders through your clothes. Holding them in your hand in hers. No matter how much you try to pry them away, she would hold them tighter. Your head still looking down as you cried.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, my love." Illi whimpered, her eyes trying to meet yours, leaning in even more to seek yours. One hand moved to lift your head up. "Please..Please look at me beautiful. Please. Let me see you. Please. Don't hide from me. Please."

Illi pleading for you to look at her?

Why?

You shook your head, trying to pull away from her touch. She could feel you shaking against her hand while it was pressed against your cheek.

"Go away." You croaked, wanting to just be alone. Run away from this.

"No, I'm not leaving you alone. I'm going to be with you till you look at me. Come on, look at me, sweet thing, let me see y-"

"STOP ASKING ME TO LOOK AT YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME!"

That made Illi tense up.

"You have no..no rights to tell me to look at me. When I can't even handle looking at myself. You never look at me when I look at you. What makes you think you can look at me now? I keep seeking for you because I thought.. I thought..we were something. I was foolish enough to think it was love when it was just.. nothing." Illi's hands loosen the grip a little and you pulled your hands away.

"I don't even know if how I feel about love is even right or not. It makes my skin feel all itchy. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. It disappears when I'm with you but now..even this..it feels wrong, like I'm different."

"It isn't. (Y/N), it isn't, believe me when I say this." She whispered, cupping your face and tilt it up.

Even now, you look so fucking beautiful.

"I blame myself for this. No matter how long, I will blame myself for making you feel like you have to be someone else to be loved. To be 'normal' to be loved. I love you for you. I'm so fucking sorry. I was scared. I wasn't happy and just angry with myself. I thought it was something different and it wasn't right to feel this way. No, it isn't different. It's okay to feel that way. I was just ashamed of it. When I know it's the best feeling. I found myself. I want you..to find yourself too and to be happy with it."

You looked at her, watching her cry infront of you. Spilling her heart out to you. Her back a little hunched as she spoke, feeling all sorts of emotions that she couldn't handle.

"I'm sorry (Y/N)."

"I can't forgive you yet. I can't bring myself to do alot of things right now. Just..give me time."

"I'll give you all the time in the world. I promise. I want to fix this. Please."

"I don't know if I can love you yet. I don't know if i can let you in at all. However, I still want you. So badly. I'm just afraid."

"I understand, I understand. I'll be here. Waiting. Until you let me again. Until you let me love you. I'll wait. I'll be beside you. Showing you how much you mean to me."

Illi hands moved to clasp yours in hers. Her thumb brushing over your knuckles.

You were unsure if you would even come back from this. You don't know what is beyond this.

But Illi was going to prove it to you, you were enough. She loves you for you. She is in love with you. She will show it off with pride. She will carry that rainbow flag with pride one day with you.

One day.

hello! sorry for the long break. today im 11 months clean :) so this is a little gift from me to you. at some point I wasnt happy with my looks. with myself. finding out about myself. I was scared. afraid. just not coming to terms with it. I didnt want to admit it. when I came out, I was scared. scared ill lose people. but im here now. happy with my identity and my body. it took years but here I am. queer, demisexual and non binary!

happy pride month once again. i love you for you who are.

stay hydrated, ilysm 🤍

A soft laugh escaped your lips as Illi drew another flower on your palm, it was ticklish- but you didn't mind, if anything you would love to get her drawings tattooed on you. You knocked your head against hers gently which was followed by a kiss on her cheek.

Sitting in her bedroom, you guys were there for another impromptu meet up. You just walked in with some snacks- a quick 'I miss you and I want to see my girlfriend' escaped your lips, followed by a bunch of kisses. The both of you are sitting side by side - almost like you would fuse together, just drawing to now drawing on each other.

"You have your sketchbook right in front of you, love. Why are you drawing on my palms now. Trying to sneakily read my palms?" You joked, looking down at your palm, her hand under yours holding still while she drew without a care in the world. "Nah, just bored. Plus hearing you laugh? God, a two for one. Plus you love flowers so I'm drawing something you love, sweet thing." Illi replied softly- her tone sweet as honey. Letting the marker glide over your palm.

"It's romantic." You teased. Illi quirked her eyebrow at that.

"Romantic?"

"Yeah, it's like- you're marking me, in a way." You joked- a hint of a certain innuendo laced within your words.

"Oh get your head out of the gutter." Illi huffs, rolling her eyes before letting out a soft laugh. She turned your hand over and started to draw again. You lay your head on her shoulder, just watching her in silence.

The marker moved to your ring finger, Illi paused for a moment before drawing a ring on it. Your breath hitched for a moments you realised what she was doing.

"It looks pretty, don't you think?" You didn't know if Illi was asking about the ring or something else but you quietly nodded, looking at the drawn ring with surprise. "Did you just design this at the top of your head?"

Illi let out a soft hum to agree with your question. "Thought about what you like, your style. You." Your eyes soften at her words and you couldn't help but to give her another kiss on her cheek. "What about you? What kind of ring would you get?"

Illi eyes met yours for a moment to think about it. "I don't know, never really thought about it for me. If I'm being honest, I only thought about yours sweet thing but - maybe a simple band that has your name in it. It could be the first letter of our names as well." Your fingers interlocked with hers as she spoke. "I thought about our wedding however, just running away, exchanging rings and just being each others rock. Fuck, I thought it all." Illi's words made your heart pound even more.

"I never thought I would be loved like this. It's so- so new to me. I never seen myself as someone's lover let alone someone's wife, so you telling me all this- it's just alot - like good alot. Makes me want to scream with excitement or like bounce across the wall type of thing." You looked at the drawing on your finger, before speaking again. "At first commitment scared me. What if I wasn't enough. What if I mess up and the person would leave me. I felt like I have to learn to be a decent lover for the person. However, you make love easy. You made loving easy. God Illi, I just- fuck. Being in love with you, being in a relationship with you- it makes me feel so softy and squishy."

At this point you were just rambling, your ears turning red and your face heating up from the overwhelming feelings you had within you, together with Illi's gaze on you. It was like you hung the moon and the stars for her.

Illi lets out a chuckle, letting her hand cup your cheek. "Breathe sweet thing, you look like you are going to explode in front of me. Can't lose you that quickly. We just celebrated being together for a year a week ago."

"Sorry I just - I love you Illi, I thought about it too, marriage I mean, having matching rings with you. Choosing them or even making our own. I just - is it too much, god I don't-"

"It isn't alot, it isn't. If anything it makes it even more exciting for us, to know that we love each other so much that we are thinking about rings for each other." Illi cooed and pressed her lips against yours for a few seconds before breaking the kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Illi." You responded, your eyes sparkling with happiness and love.

"Now let's get something to eat, okay? We haven't eaten yet sweet thing, let me put back my sketchbook and we can head down to the diner to grab something okay?"

"Yeah, let me just use your bathroom!" As you left to do your business, Illi got up from the bed, taking her sketchbook and placed it on the table. She looked over a shoulder to check around her and opened her drawer on the table.

A velvet box sits inside of the drawer, Illi let's her finger drag across the material before closing it.

"Maybe I can pop the question on our date."

She whispers to herself with a smile on her face and walked away from the table to get ready to have dinner with her everything.

fluff fluff fluff! i love fulff so much, i just wanted to write something like this for a while. finally got around to it. alot of thing happened but i feel better than ever. im finding myself again and im just happy. tired but happy.

thank you for reading this! i love you so much, take care, stay hydrated and ill see you on the next one <3

Illi has not been a good lover.

Is what she tells herself daily. In a way, her words was a whip and she keeps hitting herself with it, again and again and again.

Drills it into her skull.

She wasn't destined for love, is what she believes.

She wasn't fit to be someone's rock. Is what she would write in her journal.

She wasn't enough. Is what she would speak about to her therapist.

Maybe she didn't do enough.

For you to stay.

For you to see tomorrow.

Everyone tells her it's not her fault. People can do so much for another person. It depends if that person wants to accept that help or not.

But she can't help it if the person is you.

You have helped her in so many ways. Why can't that be the same for you?

Her eyes looked down at the letter you left, the slightly brown paper that feels a little lighter now from the months of being folded and unfolded, the edges being in this slightly brown colour. Some words slowly fading off.

She brings the letter up to her lips, tears streaming down her face- holding that letter close to her lips. Pressing a kiss too it.

It was always something new at school for many people. Not for you though. The days go and come, everytime the minute hands ticks on the clock, you wonder when it would ever stop.

Standing infront of the crowd of students, teachers and facility. You just didn't want to exist. You didn't know why. It just happened, like a wave of sadness washed over you and you just- accepted it. You sank too far that no amount of swimming would help because you're out of oxygen to keep yourself sane. To keep pushing to reach the top, the light was just- a source of light. Not a point to reach out to see what's beyond it.

Your hand gripped onto the sling of your bag, looking at the crowd, standing in the middle of it all. They sound muffled, a ringing sensation in your ears and before you could reach to that point - a soft kiss landed on your cheek.

"Hi, my love."

Illi.

Illi is here.

Your lover. Your everything.

"Oh, Illi, hello. I didn't see you come up to me. Hi."

Illi tilt her head a little in confusion.

"You didn't hear me call out for you too?"

"Mm, I guess so. Thinking alot I guess."

Illi frowned a little, taking your hand in hers, pressing a kiss on the back of your hand.

"You want to talk about it? We can ditch a few classes, head to the park or somewhere quiet. You can let out everything if you want too! Plus it will be us."

You shook your head, pressing a soft kiss against her lips.

"I'll be okay, thank you my dear. We can't skip anymore classes. Let's go."

You tugged her to the direction for your first class.

The feeling just got worse over time. Your body ached, you felt like your bones were too heavy to move. Breathing was hard now. It was like your body wasn't yours, like something was slowly eating you from the inside out. You could feel yourself slipping away.

And you were allowing it to happen.

Currently sitting on Illi's bed, you just stared at the ceiling. She was doing some drawings while the television was on, playing one of her favourites. However, everything was just blocked out, you couldn't help it- maybe you could talk about it?

"Hey Illi?"

"Hm?"

"I don't feel so good."

Her pencil stopped moving, her head turning to see you laying flat on her bed. Her eyes drifted to check on you.

"In what way, sweetheart?"

"Don't know. Just..it feels heavy, whatever it is."

Illi moved, from her chair to the edge of the bed, leaning over so that her face was what you were looking at. Your hand moved to cup her cheek, brushing your thumb against her cheekbone.

Fuck. She's the most prettiest thing you have ever seen.

And all you could think is.

She deserves better.

Not you.

Better.

"Hey, your hand is a little cold. You wanna go on a walk with me? Let your blood circulate a little. Under the stars. It would be cute."

Illi muttered, turning her head to press a kiss against your palm.

"That would be nice."

Illi could sense something was up, she just didn't know what. It was like the sun set one day and it didn't come up again. Your smile dimmed over time, your eyes lost the flicker of hope, curiosity and joy.

Your hands don't reach out for anyone or anything. You footsteps that sometime would match hers, just slowed down even more before disappearing completely. You would stay home after school. Illi would invite herself but you said that you were unwell and you just needed to be alone.

But after a few days. It didn't feel right. So she came over with you. Whether you wanted it or not. She would sit with you, talk to you, bring your favourite foods to your place. She would try to bring you out for some dates too. Sometimes there would be a hint of joy.

However, there's this sense. There's this feeling like you agreed on something. Like something you can't back out and was determined to do.

She was scared. So fucking scared.

So she stayed over. Told you how much she loves you, showing you her drawings, and you drew some stuff for her too.

Slowly you broke out from that feeling. Illi thought that, you were coming back. Slowly you were allowing yourself to feel the happiness you deserve. Kisses between the both of you were deeper, more connected. Her hand never left yours. You were on her lap when she was drawing.

She was doing this to keep you here. To show you how much you mean to her.

You were doing this so that you wouldn't forget this feeling. Not matter how far away you were from her.

What she didn't realise that, you were happy with the decision you made for yourself.

It was quiet, too quiet in class. Illi didn't know why. In fact it was the opposite, people talking, laughing and just excited to see their friends but for some reason..it was quiet for Illi.

Where were you even.

She met you yesterday at your place. You guys had so much fun. You gave her a few of your drawings you made. It was pictures of you and her. A few trinkets you made- that was hanging on her bag. An apple clip, matching with you. Here's was red while yours was green. It was so cute.

She glanced at your empty seat beside her. Her hand on your table, tracing the little heart that had both of your initials. She's excited to see you again.

"Hello everyone. I have an announcement to make."

A somber tone echoed in the class. The form teacher stands at the front of the class, her arms around her, rubbing her arm for some self soothing. Her eyes a little red, everyone immediately quieten down.

"Um, as you know, everyone one of you guys know your classmates and have a bond as a class together but, I- today I got news from (Y/N) parents that, they are no longer with us."

Illi hand stops tracing over the doodle. She stiffen in her seat.

What?

What?

You are no longer with us?

What the fuck does that mean?

Illi's eyes met with the teacher before she continued speaking.

But nothing was heard. Illi took her bag and ran. Frank, Mikey and Ray all followed. Yelling Illi's name as she sprinted down the hallway.

No, no,no. This is a fucking joke.

No way.

You didn't leave.

You didn't just stop living.

There's no way.

She saw you yesterday.

Said I love you. Kissed you. Your warmth against hers. Your fingers brushed through her hair.

You are still here.

She knows it.

Her legs were aching, crying in pain but Illi didn't listen till she was infront of your home. She called out for anyone in the house. A few minutes later, a family member opened the door. Their eyes puffy and red, looking at Illi before letting her in without any word.

Illi ran to your open, expecting to see you on your bed. Maybe on your chair. Just in your room.

But you weren't there. Your bed was unmade. The chair wasn't pushed back under your table like it always was. How does a room filled with posters, photos, trinkets and more - some how feel so hollow and so empty.

How does a room filled with memories, colours and the smell of you, feel so heavy and depressing.

It was instinct, if you could even call it that.

You were gone.

You left.

You won't be walking beside her at school anymore.

She will never feel your warmth in her hand.

Your soft chuckles.

Your smile.

You.

Illi walked to the edge of the bed, before getting on her knees. Her head on the bed, her hands clutching the bedsheets- sobbing hysterically as she finally realised.

The boys reached to the entrance of your bedroom, standing there - unsure on what to even do.

Can Illi even come back from this?

If anything, she lost herself.

You were her everything.

You gave everything to help her in her issues.

With her own pains and insecurities.

So why.

What did she not do enough of?

Come back and tell me.

Please.

It has been a few weeks.

Her family bringing her food to eat. Sometimes, Mikey had to feed her from time to time - Frank and Ray coming down to have a sleepover every weekend if they could.

And Illi.

Illi was just there.

Right now, she was in her room alone. It was the middle of the night, it has been a rough couple of days. Nightmares of the day you left kept haunting her - but if it means that she can think of you. She wouldn't want them to end.

Sitting on her bed, she clutched the letter you left for her. On the day she ran to your home. A family member handed her an envelope- with her name in your writing on the middle of it.

Everytime when Illi misses you, she would just open the letter and read it.

What were you even thinking as you were writing this?

The way Illi could feel the pressure you put against the paper as you wrote.

As if you want the words to stay as long as possible.

For you or for her, she would never know.

Illi's eyes traced the words on the piece of paper.

"My sweetheart,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, my love and I would understand fully if you don't accept my apologies. No matter how many times I would say it - I'm so sorry. You have showed me so much of me I didn't know I could even be. Your existence will always be something I'll search for in every lifetime I would live in. No matter how long or short it may be. Call me selfish- but Illi, without you. I'm practically nothing.

As I write this, I hope- maybe in the next life. I can be yours once again. If you allow it. Even if you remember this lifetime. I will do whatever I can to beg for your forgiveness to be yours again. I love you so much my sweetheart. God, I love you so fucking much. This decision- was something I have set myself to do for a while. I didn't want to tell you because I know you would drop everything for me. I didn't want that.

It's selfish enough that I want to escape all this, but I feel it's even more selfish when someone I love drops everything and anything to help me. I don't deserve it. Not one bit. So please, my love. Never ever blame yourself. I miss you already Illi. God. Thank you. Thank you so much for everything. God- thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me that even as someone as faulty and disgusting as me can be loved. Thank you for being my moonlight in the most terrible nights. Thank you for being my sole reason to keep trying till my final breath.

I'm just tired, sweetheart.

I just want to rest.

Till I'm ready to meet you again.

I hope I'll see you once again when I open my eyes.

Until then, sweet thing.

I love you so much. Goodnight, Illi.

You loved art ever since you were little. You remembered how you got into it- you remembered how the colours brought you in, to learn more about the work. How colours can have certain effect on a person's mood and how the artwork is meant to be portrayed. How art can be a voice to the masses or for one self.

It makes you think, it makes you just wonder.

Art was your everything- well art is your everything. So you made art your life , because without it you were practically nothing truly. SO as you grew older - you were strict with yourself. You practiced and practiced till you found a style that you just were happy with. It wasn't a full hundred percent but it was still something. The fun thing about art is that it could be on any surface - it could be on wood, paper, metal, clothes.

And even on skin.

Tattoos.

God tattoos were god sent. One of your favourites if you were being honest with yourself. Seeing the tattoo gun working on a person's skin to the artist themselves making the work come to life on a canvas you can't make a mistake on. Everything about it was incredible.

At the same time, you didn't know much skin a person can find to tattoo on.

Till you saw him.

It was an impromptu meet up with your friend. They said they wanted to get a new tattoo and you just love seeing it happen - you decided to just tag along. You were leaning over, taking some photos for your friend as they were getting tatted.

And he walked in.

Your eyes immediately run down his body- he was just wearing some shorts and simple black tee. All his tattoos on full display. He looks like a colouring book and that was something that made you feel interested to know more. Many people have mentioned that their tattoos mean something to them. Is that what it was with him too? You couldn't tell.

But you really wanted to know more.

However, you didn't go up to him and ask, you were too nervous- what if you mess your words, or that you don't understand certain terms about the meaning of his tattoos? You didn't go up to him but you would always take some sneak peaks whenever you can.

Half way through your friend's tattoo, you felt a presence behind you. It was him.

"That looks sick dude." He said to the tattoo artist, looking at the detailed piece on your friend's arm. You couldn't help but take this opportunity to look at his tattoo's up close. The tattoo artist paused for a moment and spoke to the guy that you now know as 'Frank'.

As the tattoo artist was done talking to him. Frank's eyes flickered towards you as you subtly looked at the inked skin. "So, you want to know more about them?" He asked towards you, giving you a small smirk. "You can ask, take a picture if you want too. it would last longer."

Since then the both of you got closer.

It has been over a year since that day.

You moved in with him, the space was shared. A place for you to do your art and a space for him to do his music. The home was always filled with colours and sound- you would make his album covers or design his merch and in return he would make songs for you; or just let you listen to his music first.

It was just- a never ending place of creativity.

"Babe, I have an idea." Frank looks at you with that particular smug look on his face, moving to sit beside you on the couch. You were just watching a show on the television as he pressed a kiss against your cheek.

"Mm? I'm listening, what is the idea?" You responded, turning to face him, your fingers moving to find his hand, tracings the ink on his skin- a habit you picked up while being with him.

"Design a tattoo for me."

"What?"

"Design a tattoo for me, love. You are- the most creative person I have ever known to walk on this earth. A tattoo by you would be my prized possession." You take in his words for a second, you eyes drifted down to see if there is any space on his body to fit another.

"Sweetheart, would there even be a spot for you to add anymore? Plus I- what do I even draw, I would need to size- I would need to think how detailed it is- fuck do you want colour but wait it would be even more expensive no? What if you don't like it?" All you could ask was questions, it was just a tattoo but it meant something to the both of you.

He just let's out a small low chuckle, pressing a quick kiss to your lips to shut you up. "I don't care about all that- I just want a tattoo from my person. As long as it is from you, that is enough for me. I won't force you sweet thing, if you don't want to make one then that's fine. I can get a tattoo that represents you on me. It's your call." Frank looks at you, waiting patiently for a reply.

It was nerve wreaking to say the least. "Even if it takes me years?" You joked. "Even if it takes you years." He replied with a smile on his face.

"Just want people to know the mark you left on me. I just want a piece of you on me wherever I go." That made you melt, you cupped his face and pressed a few kisses on his face.

"Give me a week to design something? Is that okay?"

"Perfect, sweetheart. I can't wait to see what my baby has in store for me."

"All done, how do you feel Frank?"

Frank looks down at the tattoo on the back of his hand, the tattoo you designed for him, a smile blossomed on his lips. He felt giddy, like a teen boy who has a crush on a girl in class.

"I feel great man, thanks. Fuck, I'm so excited to get more tattoos with her artworks."

While you were working at your art studio in your shared home, you received a notification.

There he was, showing his hand with your design, right smack of your tagged handle.

The caption being.

"My artist, my love designed this tattoo for me. Now I carry I piece of them everywhere I go."

i feel like this is so ooc, but this was fun to write. i love tattoos i do wanna get more but, im asian so, yknow how moms are.

anyways, thank you for reading this! i love you so much, take care, stay hydrated and ill see you on the next one <3