All Your Favorite Ladies Definitively Ranked

I know it’s been... quite a while since I posted anything on this blog, but I just wanted to say that from now on, any Lady Rankings will be posted over on the website I write for occasionally, Sequential Planet! Give it a look-see, maybe.

Listen: I don’t care. There was a time I might’ve cared, but the literal hundreds of people who have informed me of my mistake have inured me against caring. I have not known a moment’s peace since you fuckers started telling me this. It’s constant.

1. Lup Taaco – Do you really need me to explain this one?

2. Lydia – Point One: Wonderland is Lydia’s Main. Point Two: Wonderland is Extremely Horny.

3. Carey Fangbattle – Call it a gut feeling.

4. Sloane – Sloane is definitely the one who made a move on Hurley, not the other way around, and it was probably some real gay shit.

5. Jess the Beheader – She’s a professional wrestler.

6. Killian Fangbattle – Killian may exude an aura of badass professionalism, but I bet she’s only able to do that because the only people who know she even has a blog are Carey and like, Avi maybe, so she gets to be as Horny as she damn well pleases.

7. Ren – Ren wears her emotions on her sleeve, as evidenced by the way she fangirled when she saw Taako the first time, so she probably Hornies on Main, too.

8. Paloma – Witches who live out in the woods get into all kinds of freaky shit, you don’t even wanna know.

9. Cassidy – She’s a miner.

10. Lieutenant Hurley – I get the feeling Hurley is definitely easily flustered enough by Sloane’s Horny Antics that she belongs this low on the list, but any lower and I couldn’t believe it.

11. Noelle Redcheek –  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

12. Maureen Miller – ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

13. Antonia – I wouldn’t be surprised if Lydia and Edmund took Antonia’s Horniness as one of her penalties to fuel their own.

14. Madame Director Lucretia – Lucretia was Horny on Main Once, before The Hunger came…

1. Diana Cavendish – Yeah, I mean, this one just… y’know it just, it goes without saying.

2. Atsuko Kagari - One of the things that makes Akko so dang lovable and such an inspiration to everyone around her in the first place is how much self-esteem she has, despite everything. Don’t even try to tell me that girl doesn’t love herself.

3. Sucy Manbavaran – Sorry buddy but if you didn’t pick up on how obviously in love with Akko Sucy is you just weren’t paying attention. She’d never admit it, of course, but that doesn’t mean it ain’t there.

4. Lotte Jansson – Lotte is Akko’s other best friend, of course she loves her to death.

5. Chariot Du Nord/Ursula Callistis – This one’s complicated, and you could certainly make arguments about projection or successor mentalities, but I think Ursula does truly care about Akko, especially by the end of the show. Their mentor-student relationship is really wholesome and heartwarming.

6. Amanda O’Neill – Following her initial dislike and/or rivalry with Akko, Amanda definitely develops a grudging crush on Akko. Like Sucy, she’d never admit it.

7. Constanze Amalie von Braunschbank-Albrecthsberger – Constanze’s crush on Akko is probably even more grudging, because

8. Jasminka Antonenko – Jasminka loves her friends. Akko is one of her friends. ‘Nuff Said.

9. Wangari – I think after all the crazy and impressive shit Akko has pulled Wangari has probably developed a bit of a crush-from-afar on Akko.

10. Barbara Parker – Barbara is slightly more in tune with herself than Hannah, I think, given her fondness for Night Fall, so she’s ever so slightly more likely to admit to herself that she likes Akko – which is still actually pretty unlikely.

11. Hannah England – I don’t know, I guess the Night Fall detail just makes me think Barbara is a little more open than Hannah.

12. Miranda Holbrooke – Holbrooke is probably mostly neutral on Akko, to be quite honest, but I think she would appreciate her and her talents after all is said and done, and especially given the incident with skeleton dad.

13. Croix Meridies – Okay, listen: I’m a massive lesbian and of course I think Croix is really hot but she’s also the show’s primary villain and a big part of what drives that is, I think, that she doesn’t particularly care about other people. Maybe by the end of the show I think she’s starting to respect Akko, but her willingness to just straight up destroy her remaining magical potential shows that there were no warm feelings prior to that.

1. Tali’Zorah Vas Normandy – Tali is so obviously into FemShep that it’s not even funny. The only possible excuse for this one is that they’re mutually pining for each other and too scared of rejection to see it through (which would be out of character for Shepard regardless of how you play her, so nah). Additionally, I am forever salty that someone who’s just so damn cute can’t be smooched as a Lady.

2. Cassandra Pentaghast – Have you seen her haircut? Her muscles? God damn.

3. Morrigan – Morrigan’s open and absolute distaste for men is such an overwhelming sign of lesbianism that it makes me question what the writers for Dragon Age were even thinking when they made her character. Were they thinking? I have my doubts.

4. Jack – Jack literally admits to having had past romantic and/or sexual encounters with both men and women, so it makes zero% sense that FemShep can’t romance her.

5. Bastila Shan – Bastila and KOTOR’s protag are quite literally soul mates. I really don’t need to say anything else.

6. Dawn Star – “Childhood Friends Having a Crush on Each Other and Growing Up To Explore Those Feelings, But Lesbians” would have made such a good arc, y’all.

7. Miranda Lawson – Other people have made this point before but it’s still valid so it’s unrealistic that the “genetically-engineered-to-be-perfect human being” would be straight (or British, for that matter).

8. Cora Harper – I think there’s a fan comic or something floating around out there about this but you Do Not roll with Asari commandos and come out the other side completely straight.

9. Ashley Williams – I can’t really think of any reasons why Ashley should be romanceable as FemShep other than that you can’t be straight in space, but that’s still pretty compelling.

1. Red - A fully leveled Red has 32 MEM. Good luck beating that, anyone.

2. Sybil Reisz - As a Lesbian and in-game boss, she is one of the most powerful people in Cloudbank, and therefore must take up a lot of space.

3. Farrah Yon-Dale - Farrah controls the weather, which is a function that’s bound to take up some space.

4.Lillian Platt - Science is very important in a place like Cloudbank, so one of the top scientists is going to be very important in turn.

5. Niola Chein - Everyone knows politicans don’t have big file sizes.

Phoebe – Phoebe has Five swords and is very good with them. I rest my case.

Galilea – While Galilea does have a sword and is very gay, she is less of a “sword lesbian” and more of a “sword and shield lesbian,” which is an important distinction to make.

Mellka – Mellka doesn’t use a sword, true, BUT she does have several knife-like protrusions grafted onto her arm, and as we all know knives are closely related to swords.

Shayne – I’m not honestly sure what that thing Shayne uses even is but it looks like it has a sharp side so it’s good enough for me.

Beatrix – I guess a syringe is kind of like a thrusting sword if it’s big enough, which Beatrix’s absolutely is.

Deande – No swords or knives, but her fans are used like knives which puts her above the rest of the list from here on.

Ambra – STAVES ARE NOT SWORDS, AMBRALIA

Reyna – Reyna’s attacks are exclusively ranged, which is a definite drawback, but her use of shields (which are closely associated with swords) is a point in her favor.

Orendi – Orendi doesn’t use weapons at all, although she does have many sharp parts that should be kept away from small children.

Alani – Alani doesn’t use weapons either, but unlike Orendi is not covered in pointy bits.

Captain Jodariel – Her Ballerness Captain Jodariel is hands down the coolest lady around, whether in the Downside or the Commonwealth. You wish your mom could dunk like her!

The Moontouched Girl A.K.A. Bae – Bae, Gae, Fae, whatever you want to call her, The Moontouched Girl has a special connection to the Scribes who created the Rites. Her unyielding devotion to their legacy and embodiment of the spirit in which the Rites are conducted – that of unity and camaraderie – make her a true baller.

Sandra The Unseeing – By the same token, Sandra knew the Scribes themselves, sort of. Sure, they trapped her in an orb for all eternity but what’s more baller than being a ball and helping future generations to realize their potential?

Big Bertrude – Big “Ball is Life” Bertrude studied the Rites from afar long before she ever actually stepped in and partook herself. She took to them quickly, and so I say she must possess the spirit of a natural baller.

Pamitha Theyn – Pamitha may be willing to throw matches but she does so for good reasons, as a way to try and truly help the members of the other team – or at least, one team in particular. She’s not the most baller lady around, to be certain, but she’s better than some.

Tamitha Theyn – Tamitha, on the other hand, is motivated to take part in the Rites almost solely by anger and vengeance – not a very baller attitude to have there, Tamitha.

Udmildhe – Speaking of bad attitudes, Udmildhe’s motivations are to resurrect an ancient monstrosity and lead to the destruction of the Rites entirely. How unsportsmanlike!

Celeste – Celeste does not actually ball, and thus on a technicality cannot be said to be baller. That said, she is instrumental to the Rites themselves, and in that way she allows others to be baller though she herself cannot.

Widowmaker – Widowmaker’s design is frankly atrocious. Every time I load up the game and she’s the hero who pops up on the main menu my back starts hurting because of how contorted her spine is. A million other people have levied criticisms at Widow’s design better than I could, so I’m just gonna leave it there.

Symmetra – After Widowmaker the rest of them aren’t nearly as bad but Symmetra’s exposed thighs and combat heels still weird me out so she clocks in at number 2.

Tracer – Anyone who remembers the butt pose “controversy” knows exactly why I put Tracer this high on the list. (Also I really wish Blizzard would give her footwear that isn’t crocs.)

D.Va – I’m uncomfortable with how skintight D.Va’s body suit is especially given that she’s 19.

Mercy – MAKE MERCY LOOK HER AGE YOU COWARDS.

Sombra – MAKE SOMBRA LOOK HER AGE YOU COWARDS (or at the very least retcon her to be as old as she looks so she can date D.Va).

Ana – MAKE ANA LOOK (MORE) HER AGE YOU COWARDS.

Mei – Mei is pretty good overall but a few minor changes could put the “is she fat or not (she is)” argument to bed for good.

Pharah – The only nitpick I have with Pharah is that I’d maybe make her armor a little bulkier around the waist so it doesn’t look like they’re trying, absurdly, to make sure you know she has a figure.

Zarya – NOW ZARYA. ZARYA IS HOW YOU DESIGN A LADY. Big, buff, and incredibly butch, Zarya is almost perfect; just get rid of the boobplate and you’ve got yourself one hell of a look.

Abigail – Abigail has been shown to canonically eat rocks, based on her response when you give her a “liked” item which includes quartz.

Emily – I love Emily but she is so goddamn weird sometimes I bet she’d eat a rock without batting an eye.

Maru – Sometimes you just have to eat a rock for Science. Maru is willing to do whatever it takes in the pursuit of knowledge.

Leah – Leah would eat a rock just because like… why not?

Haley – Haley could be persuaded to eat a rock, but only if it was really pretty and/or she was trying to impress someone.

Makoto Niijima – Makoto wouldn’t even need to beat me up, she’d scare me into giving her my lunch money with a dirty look and I’d thank her for it.

Haru Okumura – Similar to Makoto, Haru is intimidating enough to get my hard-earned cash without resorting to violence. The only reason she’s second on the list is because it would take slightly longer for her to go from human marshmallow to axe murderer.

Caroline and Justine – Caroline beats me up and takes my lunch money on a daily basis while Justine watches with feigned disinterest.

Tae Takemi – If you don’t believe Tae Takemi could absolutely beat someone up and take their lunch money then you’re a damn fool.

Ann Takamaki – As the last lady party member who actually fights, Ann wouldn’t have any trouble with this.

Ichiko Ohya – I don’t have any real evidence for this one it’s just kind of a gut feeling.

Futaba Sakura – Futaba would actually be really bad at beating people up and taking their lunch money, but it’d be cute to watch her try so I’d end up giving it to her out of pity anyway.

Chihaya Mifune – Chihaya doesn’t need to beat me up because she can just trick me into giving it to her so she’ll read my fortune.

Sae Niijima – Sae absolutely could beat me up and take my lunch money but with her the real question is more would she, and I have my doubts about that.

Sadayo Kawakami – Teachers are notoriously bad at taking lunch money from people.

Hifumi Togo – Hifumi’s really only fierce when she’s playing Shogi. She’s too sweet in any other context for petty theft.

Commander Shepard

Jack

Ashley Williams

Liara T’Soni

Samara

Tali’Zorah Vas Normandy

Miranda Lawson

Kasumi Goto