Things I've actually said
Like in a real life conversation
“Disrespect me like that again and I’ll punt your son”
“Did they really just sexualize a razor??”
“Stay #hydrated” (yes I said hashtag)
“I know you hate me with a passion but you should tolerate me because I brought you eclairs”
“Okay okay serious question guys… When you brush your teeth which row and which side do you start on?”
“Looking at pictures of the eclipse can make you blind I read it in a NASA article so fight me”
“Ok ok but hear me out. Bears don’t do shit but shit so don’t tell me I can’t prosper just because I sleep all day. Bitch”
“What did I say about talking while I’m interrupting?”
“I’ll call you later I’m bathrooming.”
“You literally just snatched my shoulder”
“Keep talking and imma beat your ass. Nothing special. No pistol whipping, no slapping you so hard you’ll see a galaxy far far away uh uh. None of that. Imma simply beat ya ass.”
“I got thick thighs and I tell no lies”
“Actually I just lied, I got thick thighs and I still lie.”
“I won’t know what to name my first child though. I have to think about all that in advance because if not I’m gonna look around the room and pick an object. My baby’s name is gonna turn out something like Pissbowl or Papertowel because I can’t with all that pressure.”
“That cat popped out the bush and stared at me like he was the baddest bitch. He was. And he knew it.”
“I don’t fuck with arachnids.”
“Why you gotta throw that ass in a circle? Don’t discriminate the shapes. WHY DON’T YOU THROW THAT ASS IN A SQUARE HUH??”
“Do mosquitoes have thanksgiving in August because I feel like a goddamn feast rn”
*looks in mirror* “Stfu no nobody asked you so fight me bitch” *stares at mirror in shock*
“If men ain’t shit and girls ain’t loyal where the hell do I go?”
“Really? Right in front of my salad??” (You’re damn right I use memes in my everyday conversations)
{that’s all I think. I’m pretty dumb but that makes for a good story so feel free to use these for prompts. Just tag me in it cuz I feel the need. The need for read. Ok I’m sorry I got like 3 hours of sleep okay.}
jbbartram-illu
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