in the library on an ordinary lunch break, he towered over you from behind, a hand hovering on your hip as he chuckled and looked down at you.

Jungwon wasn’t stupid, he could tell the pink hue on your cheeks wasn’t just from the summer heat.

“Shorty~” he cooed, grabbing the book from the shelf that you were struggling to get.

god.. these days, he was getting too cocky for his own good.

on the days where you were too spent from school, he’d walk you home with his hand around your back, bringing your arm to wrap around his shoulder.

even if he had been so tired from dance practise, he couldn’t just leave you be.

“ah.. you’re so heavy..” he groaned, setting your sleepy figure down on the bed.

your eyes, half open, found his figure hovering over yours as he laid you down. jungwon carefully pulled your covers over your figure, before he pulled back to leave your room.

until he felt a gentle grip, tugging on his wrist back. “Stay..”

he froze, standing above your bed for about 10 seconds. but before you knew it, you felt a dip by your mattress, as he sat in front of the laying figure.

jungwon looked away from you, and shyly muttered something that sounded like “I wasn’t going anywhere.”

or other times at lunch when you’d be a little messy. he knew your habit of eating and not noticing dressing or some sauce was left on your lip.

“Tsk.. you’re so clumsy.” He said, as he wipes off the sauce from your lip. this time, you’re the one who freezes in your spot.

and jungwon seems to realise the weight of his actions too, hand gently resting on your jaw as he wipes the sauce off your lip. his eyes widen, you turn red, and you both look away and pretend nothing happened.

you couldn’t look at him straight anymore, pretending like you weren’t affected by looking down and clearing your throat.

He talked to you about his dreams, you talked to him about your lack of. you came to every dance showcase, brought snacks after practise.

“A stage that big.. could you imagine? just to watch one person dance..” Jungwon muttered, sprawled out on your bed as you try to tune your new hand-me-down guitar your aunt gave you.

you looked up at him and chuckled, “Don’t forget about me when you’re on that stage.”

Jungwon scoffs, getting up as he watches your fingers press absentmindedly on the chords you’ve learnt this week.

“Don’t be stupid. first off, I could never get that famous. And second,” Jungwon trails off, hesitating to admit something. “Second.. how could I ever forget you?”

your gaze softens for a moment, tearing your eyes from the guitar to look up at him. it’s the first time in 16 years where the tension isn’t just snarky remarks and teasing, but it actually feels like something.

Jungwon purses his lips, dimples on full view as he looks away shyly. “I’ll look for you first in the audience. I promise.”

“Do I get free backstage passes?” You add, looking up at him with a grin that makes his stomach do this weird flip that’s been occurring too many times these days.

he rolls his eyes, but a soft smile rests on his face. “Cmon, you’re like.. vvvip.”

Sounds about right.

“Ok good. I like being vvvip.”

you know you fell for him that day. when he just stayed over, singing along to random songs you learnt. and you didn’t miss the way his gaze lingered at you, the way he seemed eager to listen to the new songs you learnt.

he couldn’t go a day without talking to you.

Jungwon would wait under your house to walk to school together, fingers just barely touching. he got upset when you didn’t show up after his dance practices to pick him up, but got all giddy whenever you said you’d treat him to his favourite rice cakes as compensation.

he used to smile at you at the little hint of an inside joke, poke or gently nudge your leg under tables just to tease you.

There were even times where you let yourself be vulnerable to him. he was like.. your person?

“I don’t think I have a dream.” you blurted out tiredly, gazing over the city lights.

“That’s a blessing in disguise. People who have dreams are constantly worried about not achieving them.” Jungwon murmurs back after a pause, still looking at the clear night sky above him, lying down behind you.

“Easy for you to say. You’re the most driven person I know.” You scoff out, fingers fiddling with the ears of his stuffed animal on your lap, and turning your head back to look at him.

a chuckle escaped his lips, just thinking about his dream. jungwon was in love with dancing, and although a risky choice, that passion made you question whether you should be feeling the same thing. like you should have a dream you were that passionate about.

his eyes sparkled for gods sakes, and you didn’t know how he even managed to do that. how Jungwon’s eyes looked so doe-like and sparkly, brighter than all the city lights in front of you.

you sigh again and rest your back against the concrete, laying next to him. His eyes travel to your face, tilting his head to the side as his eyes soften, and his teasing smile fades away.

Maybe you weren’t joking this time.. but it was hard to focus on how sad you were when you looked so pretty being it.

Is it a surprise he thinks you’re beautiful? Maybe it was, because never in his life would he expect to fall for you, you were only his best friend. Lines shouldn’t be crossed.

but you can’t really control it, can you?

no matter how hard he tried to fight it, jungwon couldn’t stop the way his heart beat just a little faster when he saw you this close. He wonders if it’s even your beauty he stares at, or if it’s also the closeness.

The knowledge that nobody else has seen you like this, and nobody has seen him like this. The feeling of being in your own world.

“Jungwon..?” You finally whispered, tilting your head to your side.

“Mm..” You didn’t expect to catch him staring at you again. Usually, he’d look away before you caught on, or clear his throat and blink away. This time he didn’t.

He looks at you as if he doesn’t want to look at anything else. Not just your eyes, his gaze travels to your shoulders, your hands on his stuffed animal, your hair that drapes over his pillow, that he knows is going to smell like your shampoo now.

“..some dreams aren’t that clear. you’re just hearing people talk about their dream jobs.. or how rich they want to be.” he whispers.

you tear your eyes away from his, because his gaze feels too strong to hold.

“Isn’t that all there is to life? Work is life..” you chuckle dryly, looking back up at the sky.

Jungwon looks down for a second, and a silence envelopes the atmosphere. “You’re the last person I thought would say that.”

“I guess I’ve just become a bit negative.. I just feel like I’m lagging behind everyone.” you sigh again. but Jungwon doesn’t focus on how different you seem, his hand just finds yours.

your breath hitched, not even realising your anxious movements he stopped. his delicate fingers just gently on yours, like he’s trying to stop you from fidgeting. “You’re not lagging behind..”

“I’m envious of you.. I think I have too many dreams, and if I don’t meet them, I’d.. I think I’d crash out.” He laughs, lighthearted in his expression for the first time since the conversation.

Your eyes find his, but for the first time, he isn’t initiating eye contact, he doesn’t even look at you. Still, you see the faint blush on his cheeks, and his touch, with his gaze, lingers on your hand.

“But.. some dreams aren’t just materialistic. I.. I think..” he’s stalling, because he knows he’s not just comforting you. he’s confessing something he doesn’t even know. “well in my case.. my best dream is the one right in front of me.”

your breath hitches again at his words. you want to believe what you’re thinking, but you wonder if that’d even be possible.

You being his dream? Really? still, your hand reciprocates his touch, thumb just gently grazing the back of his hand.

you look down at your shared contact, and Jungwon finally looks up at you. he looks at you only when you look away, when you don’t notice. he notices your lashes low as you gaze at his hand, how your voice is soft as you hum back, your breath steadier.

his response is probably not the most practical, reasonable answer you wanted, but it puts you at ease for just a moment. and it makes the mood suddenly more intimate, although you both don’t do anything else.

you realised two things that day.

one, that your crush on Jungwon was getting more dangerous, the more you thought about the possibilities that he might like you too.

and two, that you found a dream. a real goal. it had something to do with Jungwon’s dream.

but sometimes, you find yourself not understanding him at all. and you didn’t want to believe it was true, but it became so when you both started senior year.

“Where’re we eating?” you hummed, hands in your pockets as you walked up to his desk.

Jungwon raised an eyebrow and looked back at you. “uh.. I brought lunch from home.” he said, sounding a little avoidant.

but you shrugged. “So? Just come with me to get my food.” you said nonchalantly, since he always came off campus with you to get lunch.

but this time, you thought you caught a grimacing expression on his face.

“I can’t.. I’m having lunch with the guys. I’ll just see you in class, alright? Bye..” he dismissed, sighing softly and walking away.

your eyebrows raised at his sudden mood, blinking in surprise.

Oh?

Maybe he just had a bad mood today..

or maybe you had done something?

you guessed it wasn’t the first option when you saw him laughing cheerfully with the new female transfer student.

“Jungwon!” You called out, after one night where you waited for him after dance practise.

He didn’t ask you to, he never had to. And you knew it would’ve been awkward considering he had been high-key ignoring you for the past few days. With his dance bag in hand, he rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

“Oh.” He sighs when he notices. And you swear you hear him utter “you again..” under his breath.”

“What? Don’t you wanna go.. get ice cream or something?” you say, acting like everything is ok.

but the knit in his eyebrows, the way he has to close his eyes and take a breath before speaking up, like he’s frustrated, sends you another message.

“Y/n. Stop this.. stop. Stop waiting on me.” Jungwon says, making you pause again. “We don’t have to be around each other all the time. I have my own life, ok? that doesn’t include you.” He stutters, but doesn’t stop.

“And it’s.. it’s embarrassing to have you fuss over me. It’s not like we’re dating..”

your blood ran cold. he was making it seem like you were the pushy one, like he didn’t embolden you to act on your feelings. it was as if he knew you like him, and was using your sensitivity to his advantage.

“But.. we don’t act like that.” You tried to argue, voice cracking slightly as tears pooled your eyes. you hated fighting with him, the one person you trusted most in the world. and you hated being the sensitive one, not the one to respond to him when he was being vulnerable.

“We do.. And it’s getting old. And frankly annoying.”

Jungwon runs a hand through his hair, sighing like.. almost like you’re a minor nuisance he needs to get over. You looked down, fighting back the tears that threatened to run down your cheeks.

Jungwon sighs, glancing down at your teary eyes. Something in his heart twists, but he pushes it aside. “Sorry, ok? Don’t cry.. just.. accept the fact that I don’t want to be as close to you as we were anymore, alright?”

And when he didn’t stop and drop his bag, or wrap his arms around you, whispering soft apologies, and instead started walking away? you realised that maybe he really didn’t feel the same.

ii heather - paper hearts - every breath you take

CHAEWON GIGGLED AND NUDGED YOUR ARM, showing her phone to you.

"You and jungwon?! You two were childhood friends?" She spoke, making your eyes widen at the kiddy photo on her phone.

"How'd you find out!?" you scoffed, trying to grab at her phone.

but she ignored your question, pointing and chuckling at the photo she caught from your mom’s Facebook.

"Why is he wearing a Cinderella dress? Awhh! did you dress him up~?" Chaewon raised her eyebrow and cooed again.

You rolled your eyes and went back to picking at your cold school lunch. "No.." you muttered.

Chaewon wasn’t as oblivious as Jungwon. she noticed your dismissive attitude.

she immediately cleared her throat and turned her phone off, as she started talking about something else. “So, you gonna come with me to Jaehyun’s party?”

But as she tried to distract you, she noticed how you looked up and your eyes almost sparkled.

Chaewon furrowed her eyebrows and looked in your direction, until she realised why you were staring.

The same guy she was talking about, Yang Jungwon..

you looked up and your gaze followed his movements as he walked to his table with his friends, laughing and talking.

You remember how you'd be the one making him laugh.

the one sitting next to him during lunch, the cause of his pretty smile — not his douchebag friends.

you'd be the one he looked at and listened to intently, with sparkly eyes when talking — not the girl under his arm who kept giggling and blushing.

he chuckled and leaned close to her, whispering something in her ear.

you didn’t care, obviously. why would you care? why would you care about what he said? why it made Sullyoon giggle and turn even more red. why she nudged his chest playfully. why jungwon grinned and giggled back.

why he bit his lip, his eyes gazed at her pretty, gorgeous smile.

the way he looked at you when he used to tease you.

Chaewon saw how you let out a little sigh and your eyes dropped. god, they were gross. your gaze turned bitter, picking at your food harshly.

she softly grabbed your shoulder and made you look away from him. "Hey.. Sunwoo and I are going to Jaehyun’s birthday next week, you should come too!" Chaewon said in a chipper tone.

You looked back at her and blinked, distracting yourself from him.

"Sure, I guess.." you chuckled dryly and looked down, continuing to pick at your food.

and It seemed that jungwon sensed the two laser beams from your eyes staring into the side of his head. as he looked up, tearing his gaze away from sullyoon and to you instead..

He gulped and scowled at you, why were you everywhere he went, even when he tried to keep running away?

you think you’re being cursed when you’re assigned cleaning-classroom duty with Jungwon of all people today.

how you had to stand and watch as he kissed Sullyoon’s cheek goodbye, reassuring her that he’d see her after school.

he doesn’t miss the scoff you let you as you put your bag down. he doesn’t look away from your form as you sigh through your nose, chin up in a walk past him that looks arrogant.

‘What’s your problem?’ Jungwon wants to say. ‘Jealous much? Thought I couldn’t find better?’

as you stand behind the teachers table, grabbing a pair of plastic gloves. Jungwon swears to stay silent, not wanting to open up Pandora’s box with you again.

“Yah.. Y/n!” Sunwoo says, outside the door of the classroom, sweat clinging to his forehead and panting, his school bag slung lazily over his shoulder.

“Sunwoo? What are you doing here?” you mutter, putting down the cleaning supplies in your hands as he walks up to you.

Jungwon can’t help but watch from the side, gaze lingering for a second too long.

“Here. You left these in my bag earlier.” Sunwoo takes a pack of some medicine, to which Jungwon knows is for your allergies.

because he used to take care of you, remind you to take medication.

you gasped, grabbing the pack immediately. “Oh my god, I love you. I thought I lost these—I was just going to waste some money and buy new ones..”

Sunwoo scoffs, flicking your forehead, to which you scowl and rub the spot to soothe the pain. “Idiot.. I’ll be waiting at the cafe alright? We can eat before we go.” He says, head slightly tilted.

Jungwon wonders how comfortable you two could’ve been, to the point where Sunwoo is allowed to fuss over you.

“Your treat?” you coo sweetly, and the tone just makes him feel sick, a bit heavy in his chest.

but Sunwoo chuckles and rolls his eyes. “When is it ever not..”

When Sunwoo leaves, Jungwon finally lets out the huffing exhale that he’s been holding, and it catches your attention.

you raise an eyebrow, “What’s your problem?” you saw the words he wanted to say bitterly earlier.

Jungwon raises his eyebrows, standing in front of you with the teachers desk between you two. “Nothing.” He says, almost emotionless.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.” His jaw tightens, you catch that. but Jungwon doesn’t reply, he doesn’t want to risk saying something stupid.

the silence is loud, as you collect the random pieces of your trash your classmates dropped.

“How’s yoojung?” You spoke up about his sister, reminding him of how close you were to his family. And he cringed at the domestic knowledge.

“Fine.” he replies dryly.

The air grows awkward, as you two move around the classroom silently, picking up trash, sweeping the floor, cleaning the black boards. “..Guess we better hurry up then. Your date is waiting outside, isn’t he?” Jungwon says finally, as you both almost finish up cleaning.

You knit your brows, glancing down at the floor in confusion. “You mean Sunwoo?”

“Oh, is that his name?” Jungwon rolls his eyes, with a sarcastically sweet tone. and you can’t help but scoff, because Sunwoo and Jungwon have been in the same this whole year. Jungwon was doing the ultimate douchebag move, pretending he didn’t know.

“Are you serious? That’s your problem?”

“I have no problem.” he huffs.

“Your problem is me having a friend who’s a guy that isn’t you?” You say in an accusatory tone, almost like a statement rather than a question.

Jungwon feels his blood boil. with jealousy? with the rising tension of this argument? he doesn’t know. “My only problem is with you.” he scoffs, but shows a flash of regret immediately when he notices your confused and wilted expression.

your grip loosens on your bag strap, as your eyes soften a little. but they immediately harden again, eyebrows knitted in frustration.

but instead of questioning him, you grab your bag again, and head out the door. you don’t want to unpack this baggage anymore.

Jungwon’s expression stiffens, holding his bag strap in the middle of the classroom like an idiot. Of course you’re running again. You’re always leaving, and he’s somehow always there to see you leaving him.

This time, you’re not alone. Outside, it’s Sunwoo’s car that you’re getting into. And Jungwon’s eyes can’t seem to look away, even when his girlfriend enters the classroom all chipper.

iii. so far away - we can’t be friends - the one that got away

JAEHYUNS HOUSE WAS A MESS, as the fresh air from outside was immediately drowned out by the suffocating atmosphere, students dancing, singing out nostalgic songs, a few bottles popped.

“Ouf- c’mere..” sunwoo says, taking off his jacket while grabbing onto your hand. both of your eyes narrow as you escape the strangling party air, while Chaewon blends in like it’s her second home.

with a sigh, you both sit down at the kitchen counter, next to a few other people you don’t know. you know enough to recognise they’re not apart of your school, probably college students.

knowing Myung Jaehyun and his crazy social circle, he probably knew these bad-influencing kids doing drugs in the corner or taking more beer cans than they needed out of the fridge.

Two of the said college girls, whom you recognise from another party years ago, approach you both, passing you two shot glasses like it’s nothing.

You scoffed at the speed of the first alcoholic offer, while Sunwoo grabs the cup fast as he can.

suddenly, ningning’s eyes brighten up at the door. “Oh, sullyoon!” ningning exclaims, waving her hand to call her over.

The name she calls out sends a chill down your spine. because you know who she came with. and sure enough, there she is, with Jungwon’s arm around her.

funnily enough, she’s wearing the same jacket you got for him for his 15th birthday. (where you begged for your mom to pay for, because you knew how much he wanted it)

Sunwoo noticed immediately. His wide eyes turned low, as he followed your gaze to the couple arriving to the house.

Jungwon was smiling and laughing with his friends. Holding her hand like it belonged there. was this really the same guy that made your chest feel like it was too heavy to stand up right now? to make you feel so hollow inside?

you hate how your eyes burn, but can’t pull away from the sight of his arm around her, how he introduces her to all his friends, and how they all compliment her.

because she was so fucking perfect, wasn’t she? so perfect that jungwon risked your friendship over her.

in this life, she was the one that got him. or rather, he was the one that chose her. and she didn’t even have to try. because jungwon wanted to kiss her, to dote on her and dance with her, show her off to all his friends.

and he still got shy, all red and giggly whenever someone teased him about his new girlfriend, like the old Jungwon.

but in another life? maybe you could be his girl. He’d actually choose you. maybe jungwon wouldn’t be ashamed of you.

he wouldn’t have to be the one that got away.

the bitter taste of the shot of whatever burns your throat, as you gulp it down without even thinking. something to numb that hollow pain.

Everyone sings along to So Far Away over the speakers, and it makes your ears cringe the way everyone is trying to sing along to jungkook’s voice. but it all faded away when your eyes trail to Jungwon’s pretty smile again. the way his eyes crinkled. how endearing he looked.

the blend of sharp raps and the male humming adlibs in the background make you feel lost, like Jungwon is this being that’s just unreachable.

Everything feels overstimulating. you can’t even focus, and sunwoo hates that you can’t even hum along to the music. from you yapping about how you want suga to rap right by your ear, to not being able to enjoy the song.

“Come on, lightweight.” He sighs, trying to squeeze in some humour to your already weakening mind.

It’s nearing midnight, the party’s dwindled down from hours before when you first came.

Somehow, you find yourself sitting between Sunwoo and Chaewon in a circle of people from your school, including the infuriating couple in front of you.

they didn’t really do much to be annoying, not too much with the pda or clinginess. but it was almost like they were trying to piss you off.

like there was no way he was whispering something in her ear, even nibbling a little, making her giggle and push him away, while he pulled back, not to just piss you off, right?

you think you’re delusional, but the way he glances at you as he smirks and pulls away.. that’s got to be intentional.

look what I’m doing without you, it’s like he’s saying. even though you don’t know why you did wrong.

An innocent game of truth or drink, Jaehyun suggested.

After a few drinks, a few spilled secrets, (and a few glares to the boy in front of you) you’re leaning against Sunwoo’s shoulder. a little tipsy, a little droopy. and a lot emotional.

it got annoying to see Jungwon’s hands interlacing Sullyoon’s. the way everyone immediately accepted her and laughs at her jokes, or called her cute, to which Jungwon proudly smiled.

his friends never liked you much. it seems that it wasn’t only him that who found a replacement for you.

You didn’t focus a lot much on what was happening in the room. Chaewon kissed a random girl as part of a dare, another guy took his first ever shot, a girl was on her phone, not socialising and probably wanting to leave.

“Alright, here’s a deep one. When was the last time you hurt, or got hurt by someone you really cared about?” Someone asks, a truth or drink question directed at jungwon.

he stiffens a little

and you think you’re going crazy when you see him glancing at you.

“Last time I got hurt? Hm..” he pretends to think. “I guess when my ex-best friend and I started to drift apart..” he says with a casual expression, like it’s a thing of the past.

and you notice how everyone looks impressed at how ‘bravely healed’ he was, and all it does is make you want to throw up.

“I had to cut them off. They got a bit too.. hm- obsessive and clingy?”

ok, now you really wanted to throw up.

he lets out a little scoff, a faint smirk on his lips. and you swear he looks at you again. “But I guess I realised I never cared about that person anyway. I never will.”

the room goes silent for a moment, before some people coo in admiration.

“That’s right.. people like that don’t deserve attention anyway.” Jaehyun speaks up, backing up Jungwon.

Meanwhile, Sunwoo pauses in discomfort.. Jake and sunghoon look around, laughing and clearing their throats nervously.

Chaewon joins in on the majority reaction of admiration, but furrows her eyebrows when she tries to put two and two together.

“You’re so cool, jungwon~” another guy says, patting his back, as he goes on a side rant about his obsessive ex girlfriend, while Jungwon smirks with a little chuckle.

but you couldn’t even look at him without hearing the venom laced in his tone again.

never cared about you. never would.

18 years of friendship, it never mattered to him.

you can’t help but wonder what you did to make him so bitter? to despise you the way he did.

to the point where Sullyoon was in your position, grazing his thigh and smiling at him, both out of comfort and like she was proud of him.

to the point where he was saying he never cared about you.

“Sorry.. where’s the bathroom?” you whispered, awkwardly excusing yourself from the group and clutching your stomach, acting like you had a stomach issue.

Jungwon’s eyes follow your figure. for a second, a hint of guilt flashes through his eyes. maybe he took it too far.

but that can’t erase the pain he felt from you all those months before. This was your fault, not his. he shouldn’t be feeling care for you the way he did anymore.

jungwon doesn’t allow his heart to feel heavy, or the sweat to cling onto his forehead. he doesn’t even allow himself to think of how he used to smile with you, or ruffle your hair and wipe your tears.

when you reach an empty space, you shakily try to breathe in, fanning yourself to calm down.

Chaewon comes following you, without a word as she leaves the group.

“Hey.. what’s wrong?” you can hear her slurred voice, obviously intoxicated, but the sincerity is clear.

you look back at her, putting on a smile, as you quickly cover your teary eyes. but you couldn’t hide the involuntary sniffle.

“Oh, nothing. I just.. little stomachache.”

Chaewon furrows her brows, hearing your voice crack. “Y/n?” She gasps when she sees your red eyes, immediately wiping away the tears that fall.

she doesn’t say anything. she just wraps her arms around your shoulders, brushing your hair gently. you don’t say anything either.

It feels too awkward to admit why you feel this way. you’ve only told Sunwoo over a drunken night anyway.

“You’ve got to tell me why you’re crying tomorrow. I’m too drunk to remember anything right now.” Chaewon says, making you laugh at the sudden admission.

pulling back, you nod. “Mhm.. I’ll tell you all about it.”

“I didn’t know.. you went through that..” Sullyoon says back in the group, an innocent smile on her face as she rubs the back of his hand with her thumb.

it snaps Jungwon out of his trance, as he chuckles, acting all high and mighty.

Of course she doesn’t know. She didn’t know his past, she didn’t know his future. Sullyoon was only there for the present. maybe he should give her the benefit of the doubt, the only had been dating for a month.

you knew him since diapers, and what he dreamed of doing till he grew too old to walk. you were there for his and he thought you’d be there for his future. maybe the main character for it.

but you didn’t know the present, what kind of person he was now.

and Jungwon liked that. he didn’t want you knowing him anymore.

he didn’t want Sullyoon knowing what you did either. he didn’t want her to know about his past with you, she didn’t have to know about his regrets. but the thought of her knowing about his future, his dreams of dancing, the thought loomed over his head.

Jungwon tried to ignore the holes Sunwoo is glaring into his head right now, as he smirked hesitantly and nodded, his grip loosening on Sullyoon’s hand.

iv. sweet - apocalypse - better for you

THE NEXT DAY PASSES LIKE A BLUR. Jaehyun’s sister offered you a ride home, after you managed to escape from that stupid game secretly from the back exit.

Sunwoo had been sending you text after text, not asking if you were ok. He already knew the answer to that one.

‘I’ll stop by tomorrow morning with your favourite snacks, ok? Chaewon will come too. Don’t feel bad over what that jerk said, you don’t need him to care about you anyway.’

you wake up to a stream of reassuring messages, talking shit about Jungwon, while talking about you like you’re the only girl in the world.

but you couldn’t stop watching the videos, all the selfies and photos you took with jungwon, reminiscing over how sweet he was with you.

the photo of the flowers he got you when you cried over getting stood up on your first date.

the video of him with a dog filter on, just a short clip of him and his friend, an update he sent you randomly with the text, ‘I’m at karaoke right now~’

(you didn’t even ask what he was doing, but he for some reason, liked to pull on your heart strings an send you random updates throughout the day)

your old text messages, videos he recorded of you doing silly things with his cackling laughter in the background.

Although your head is throbbing, your heart feels ache worse than you ever have. you’re conscious enough to know what you’re doing, just breaking yourself down more.

when they arrive at your house, Chaewon beelines for your bed, sunglasses perched on her nose to cover how hungover she is. She makes a quick apology, saying she really cares for you, but needs to lay down.

“So.. tell me what happened. Because why does Sunwoo know and I don’t??” Chaewon pouts, reaching up to cup your cheek and slapping it affectionately. You roll your eyes, but her antics make you laugh as you push her hand away, the mattress dipping below you when you sit down next to her.

Chaewon reacts at every single little detail as you explain. From the cute stories you had with Jungwon as kids, to how your relationship was about to blossom into a childhood friend's romance story, only for him to stab you in the heart and suddenly give you the cold shoulder.

“No fucking way.. I could’ve sworn he had feelings for you.” Chaewon murmured, her head on your lap now. “That’s why the whole school was shocked when he started getting close to Sullyoon.”

and your stomach stirs again.

all you can do is gulp down, taking a breath before you say something stupid.

“That fucker doesn’t deserve you anyway.” Sunwoo says bitterly, smacking his lips like a nagging parent. “Never trusted him.”

“But why would he do that? It’s kind of stupid, isn’t it? He’s got to have a reason.” Chaewon speaks up again.

but you don’t want to look back anymore. you want to say, ‘that’s what I’m saying!’ but you feel like the energy has been zapped out of you. “I don’t know..”

while Sunwoo, he doesn’t want to indulge into the past. He’s dealt with you going through all the stages of grief except acceptance.

“Stop pouting.. Do you know how many times I struggle not to laugh when you cry?” Sunwoo says, before getting interrupted with a pillow hurled to his face.

At least that day you didn’t cry like you thought you would. Chaewon and Sunwoo were entertaining, and you were glad for that, because it distracted you from your ‘the one that got away’ heart break.

you didn’t even go on your secret account to stalk Jungwon’s profile. (because of course, he blocked you.)

they sang songs with you, the new ones you learnt on your guitar, like the way Jungwon used to do, except your heart wasn’t fluttering with every glance or touch.

You laughed more than you thought you would, singing nostalgic songs, with Sunwoo and Chaewon fighting over whose elaborate performance was more dramatic and worthy to go on X Factor.

You all sang along to Try Again too many times to count, as you strummed dramatically, driven by laughter and emotion. Chaewon and Sunwoo didn’t really match d.ear or jaehyun’s level of vocals, but the smile was engraved on your face at this point from smiling.

you were laughing, actually laughing, watching Sunwoo and Chaewon sing their hearts out, it made everything different. the tears forming in your eyes weren’t from missing Jungwon, but from laughter, real happiness.

They come to your house like a ritual now. You tried to ignore Jungwon the best you could at school, avoiding him or Sullyoon, or even Jake or Sunghoon like the plague. you don’t need to see Jungwon and Sullyoon all over each other, because apparently their honeymoon phase was still going strong.

“Oh? What’s this little thing~?” Chaewon coos, taking out a piece of paper with some writing. You barely pay attention to her, tuning your guitar.

That is until.. she starts reading it out.

“All of the city lights, never shine as bright as your eyes~” your eyes widen immediately, as you drop your guitar back to your mattress and reach for the sheet of lyrics. “Yah- Stop!”

Sunwoo looks up at you two, pulling up his phone to record the moment with a little chuckle.

Chae giggles, running around your little room, jumping up on your bed to continue reading the lyrics. “Don’t wanna leave you anymore! I’m tired of loving from afar- and.. never being where you are?” she trails off.. realising what you’re talking about.

“Stop looking at him like that.” Chaewon chuckles, nudging your side as you wait for Jungwon, who’s at the lunch line, bangs brushed just above his eyes, a bit tousled and messy.

his blazer makes his shoulders look a bit broader and more intimidating, but his smile making him look too adorable not to stare.

Oh yeah, and Jake’s next to him.

“Like what..”

“Like you want to run over there and kiss the living shit out of him.”

you roll your eyes. Although you’re still struggling to hide your growing feelings, you’re getting better at pretending when you’ve gotten caught. “Your brain works really weirdly..”

“Ok romeo.. loving from afar? You know that never works right..” Chaewon sounds amused, she’s smirking.

“Yeah, and that’s not what this is.”

“Hey! I got you your juice~” Jungwon coos, sitting next to you like he belongs there.

“Oh! Thank you..” you trail off, eyes and voice immediately softening by default.

Chaewon scoffs, meanwhile Jake munched on his own meal like it was nobody’s business, not a juice box or even a ‘hello’ for her in sight.

maybe you were right, she thinks. you’re not loving from afar. You both were doing it right in front of each other, loving each other so obviously, but too blind to notice.

Sunwoo stops recording, pausing in confusion, meanwhile she continues reading. But you quickly snatch the piece of paper from her. “What?” Sunwoo whines.

A scoff escapes Chaewon’s lips, “Y/n!”

“It’s nothing! It’s just some.. random lyrics I wrote down.” you crumple up the paper, but she reaches her arms out, trying to grab it. “Wow, I’m being left out again? Fake fri—” Sunwoo deadpans.

“She wrote a song about Jungwon!”

“No I didn’t!” your argument gets you a bit distracted, and Chaewon manages to grab the lyric scrap.

“Ok— ‘so many things I’d rather hear than fight, so for now it’s goodbye’? ‘You know the truth better than anyone else, You claim you don’t care, when I need you the most’? Is that not supposed to be about Jungwon!?”

you roll your eyes, burying your head in your hands when you hear your lyrics out loud for real. Sunwoo throws his phone down to the bed as he sits next to Chaewon, reading the lyrics.

“I thought we were healing you! Forgetting about that jerk!” Chaewon says. “Damn, these are pretty good..” Sunwoo seems to ignore her words, to which she smacks his arm in retaliation.

you sigh and roll your eyes, falling back to the bed. “I wrote the latest lyric like 2 weeks ago after the party. It's old news. It’s basically trash..”

“Oh yeah? Then why is it not in the trash? Why is it sitting out here? Waiting to be sung?” Chaewon coos.

Yeah, why wasn’t it in the trash? It should have been. You shouldn’t have been singing along to it last night, writing and erasing more lyrics. “Y/n, i am throwing this—” Chae sighs, shaking her head, as she stands up.

But Sunwoo is quick to grab it. “Wait, hold on.. Y/n this is actually good—how come you’ve never shown us your songwriting?” Sunwoo looks down at you, the corners of his lips rising a little.

“It was.. it’s just a little project, it’s not something special.” you stutter, a bit surprised and embarrassed.

Meanwhile, Chaewon scoffs at Sunwoo’s compliments. “Yeah, and I don’t want to hear an emotional song about a back-stabbing bastard.”

you can’t hide a smirk at her words, but Sunwoo ignores it, pulling your arms to sit you up. “Come on! Play it for us!”

“No, throw it away for us!” Chaewon immediately interrupted, making Sunwoo roll his eyes again. “Y/n, forget about Jungwon. This is great stuff, really. And you’ve got a great voice!”

great stuff was a stretch. maybe it was just Sunwoo sensing your overwhelming emotion in the lyrics. Chaewon sighs, grabbing her jacket and keys. “Oh god.. I have to go to my tutor but Y/n? Forget that song! Trust me, throwing those lyrics will be worth it.”

you think she’s right, you want her to be right. because you really want to put these lyrics from months ago past you.

when she finally leaves, Sunwoo pats the space on the bed in front of him, while he sits on your desk chair. “Come on, just play once?”

you don’t even know what you want. you gaze at the sheet again, a crumpled piece of paper with few words scribbled with pencil, over erased markings of lyrics you thought didn’t sound right. (or expressed your story right)

You had sung this song almost every other night. Why? because it was set in one of those ‘in another life’ scenarios.

The song — without a title yet — talked about a couple, a real couple, who had separated, speaking from the point of view of the partner who still yearned for their lover. but in this song, it seemed like you were singing to someone who wanted you back, like you were the one that left and were coming back.

It didn’t feel genuine to sing this to a real audience. It was more like a private thing you had in your own world. “It’s not even finished yet..” you murmured, pouting just a little as you stare at your fidgeting fingers. You remembered how Jungwon would place his hand over them, calming you down.

“Then just a verse. Or the chorus? any part that’s done. C’mon, I’ll even make a beat.” His teeth caged his bottom lip, patting his lap like a drum while beatboxing (and failing to do so).

you chuckle at his attempt to get you to sing, but your hands find your guitar despite your hesitance, already putting on the capo on the fretboard.

Sunwoo smiled teasingly at first, but his voice softens when you sing the bridge.

As much as he hates Jungwon, he’s glad that that jerk has done something good in sparking your creativity.

you mean it when you sing about how Jungwon’s eyes were brighter than all the city lights. About how you’d trade everything for a minute more to spend with him, to hear him talk to you like you were the only ones in the world again.

how you don’t want to get into any car that drives you away from him, and how he doesn’t want you going away either.

that was the part that was fake, how he wanted you with him.

how could he want you with him when he claimed to never even care about you?

“You actually sound good this time, Y/n, why do you sound like ass at karaoke?” Sunwoo huffs, making you roll your eyes, but you’re too bashful to get mad right now.

the vulnerability of sharing one of your random songs was scary, it was like you were scared of being taken seriously.

“Thanks..” you mutter under your breath, but in a dismissive tone. “Y/n, I’m serious! You know about the annual showcase right?”

The annual showcase, of course you knew. Jungwon was always the star. Your school would sign up all the students with talents, group performances from the junior dance team, performances from the orchestra and choir, magic acts and a few others.

But since the first year jungwon joined 3 years ago, he was the one act everyone looked forward to.

Everyone wanted to see what new piece he’d perform, they brought tissues to wipe their tears at the end of each dance. and you? you were in the crowd, holding up your camera like a proud parent. (while his real parents, sat right next to you, barely understanding what story he was trying to portray with ‘flailing around the stage’ as they’d call it)

You stayed in the practice room almost every day preparing for the show, watching as he choreographed something new, and then performed the same piece over and over again till he got it right. But you never got tired, the way his body moved was like art.

even after the performance, when students came up to him with flowers or gifts or compliments, his eyes would find yours. After his perfect showcases, he’d run into your arms, sweaty and panting, but you didn’t care enough to push him back.

So yeah, you knew a thing or two about the annual showcase.

“You could totally apply!” Sunwoo’s tone is all chipper and bright, but your expression couldn’t be farther from his. “Are you crazy? With this.. excuse of a song? I’m not even a trained singer! Or a performer! I can’t even go on stage for award ceremonies, what makes you think I can perform in front of the whole school and their moms?!”

Sunwoo puts a hand on your shoulder, stopping you from rambling. “Y/n, relax. Nobody’s forcing you to join.”

You blink rapidly, looking down at your gibberish lyrics again. As if these random words would be any good to perform in front of an entire audience. As if you’d be any good.

“The council is looking for more talents, because all the seniors last year are gone. Why don’t you just.. start practising? Finish the lyrics, and.. if you feel up for it, I could maybe put your name on the list..?” Sunwoo smiled, and you already feel the embarrassment hit you in the face.

Sure, you liked watching the seniors perform back then, but yourself singing? In front of the whole student body, who probably knew you as the girl who wasn’t cool enough for Jungwon to hang out with anymore?

Especially when Jungwon was definitely going to perform too? He'd probably laugh and make fun of you to his friends if he saw your name on the list of talents. And he’d know the song was about him, who else had you feeling like that? The whole school would probably know.

there was no way you’d risk public humiliation for a stupid song about a stupid boy who broke your heart.

but then again.. wouldn’t performing it be like some kind of closure? you look down, awkwardly taking off the capo.

“I’ll think about it.” you muttered.

you couldn’t outright refuse. not just yet. because the thought of you performing (and maybe Jungwon seeing you on stage) excited you a little.

v. monster - somewhere only we know - bills

AFTER THE PARTY, Jungwon barely saw you at school.

Before? He saw you everywhere. You were in the same classes, you’d sit at lunch tables near his, even on the street in the neighbourhood. It was like you were clinging on, trying to see him even though the air was uncomfortable and tension-filled. While he pretended not to notice, making you feel like a complete stranger.

“She’s staring at you again..” Jay whispered with a little teasing chuckle, as they worked on a group project in the classroom, while you were sitting two rows behind. Jungwon would sigh, keeping his head faced away.

He’d complain about it before. It got annoying, the way you looked at him like he was still a part of your life.

It wasn’t like you completely disappeared, you were still in his classes, still at the school hallways, still around the neighbourhood. But you seemed.. different?

He never caught you staring anymore, he never caught your gaze from the corner of his eye anymore. Sometimes he’d catch you leaving the music room, guitar on your back as you left your conversation and waved goodbye to the music teacher or student council members. You weren’t even in the council, what would make you want to talk to them?

“Jungwon~!” the feminine voice flutters from the doorway, as Jungwon and the boys turn their heads to find Sullyoon coming up to them.

He clears his throat immediately, putting on a tight smile. She holds onto his hand as she sits on the chair next to him like she belongs, while his arm effortlessly drapes across her shoulders.

They engage in conversation like it’s easy, and Sullyoon fails to notice how red Jungwon is, and how he seems to stutter over his words a bit more.

Right behind her when she walked in, you entered the room, bee-lining to Sunwoo’s desk, who’s leaning against it standing, with Chaewon occupying his seat.

“Don’t look back.” Sunwoo whispers, leaning a little too close with his teeth clenched, as he spared a glance to the staring boy behind you.

just like any other, you don’t follow his orders and let your head follow the direction of his eyes. For some reason, you catch Jungwon’s gaze, who looks away quickly, as if he never landed his eyes on you. His thumb gently fidgets with his bottom lip, as if he’s trying to appear relaxed, but the tension is obvious.

“Are you incapable of listening to me?” Sunwoo murmurs, pinching your side.

Jungwon actually sees you for the first time in the activity rooms after school. Not just you ignoring him or passing by in the halls.

He had booked Studio A to practise his performance for the showcase, but so far? No creative luck.

you were always the one to pick out the music, he claimed you had a natural ear for the right songs he could dance to. So without that tool, he was one task short of finishing his piece.

The school showcase was in two months, he had time, at least that’s what he told himself.

But it was hard when this time, he’d be doing this all by himself. Jake and Sunghoon cared, but they didn’t use all their time and energy to entirely focus on encouraging Jungwon’s performance.

Sullyoon was there for him, but she had her own thing. Some art project for her final or something, he couldn’t really remember.

Back then? You’d stay in his practise room, in awe of his dancing while simultaneously reminding him of little things to make him look better.

This time, he didn’t have a second eye to watch over him. To point out what to correct when he didn’t notice, to tell him he was doing great when he kept beating himself up. Especially the latter half.

Jungwon knew he was hard on himself sometimes, but he was such a perfectionist that he didn’t care for it. He needed something, some kind of guilty pleasure or reminder that he was already doing good.

but after an hour of trying out moves he could use in the show, he stands in front of the mirror, hands on the barre as he looks at himself — sweaty, panting, lost.

He looks like he’s put in so much effort, physically, he’s done. but what he’d achieved so far in this session were a few empty dance moves with no real connection. He didn’t even have a song, for gods sakes.

What if he trips up on stage? Not the accidental, injury-type falls, but the ones where he forgets his piece or doesn’t do good enough to connect to the audience like he’s done last year, or the years prior to that.

What if he doesn’t meet up to the school’s expectation? This showcase made him practically highschool royalty, everyone and their mothers came to watch. Of course, for the other students’ performances as well, but the reactions he received? Basically overshadowed everyone else.

This was his last year. He even heard there’d be agents in the audience this time. Even ones from SM, and YGX not just the local dance studios.

Preparing for the showcase this time didn’t feel as effortless and fun anymore. No one to make him feel better when he forgot a move, or to make him laugh and distract him from the pressure.

screw it — why was he even missing you? he made a point in cutting you off, you weren’t good for him anymore.

not after what you did.

he walks out into the cold hallways of the school building, sweat still gleaming from his forehead and shirt clinging onto his frame. But his steps come to a halt when he remembers he left his bag in the music room.

He expects the lights to be off, as he casually strolls through the halls, lips puckered as he hums along to a random beat. When he gets there, what he doesn’t expect is you to be walking across the music room to her guitar, humming a melody.

Jungwon’s eyes narrow, as he finds himself frozen, watching your movements from the slit of the door.

You walk to the stool again where your guitar sits, taking off your AirPod and pausing the song on your phone. The melody stays in your head, as you mindlessly sing along, letting the lyrics linger to your lips.

Jungwon’s ears perk. Somehow, he hears your quiet, casual singing, and the lyrics, the melody, it all sounds perfect — perfect for the showcase.

That was pretty ironic.. the one year he cuts you off, you’re still the one who knows his music better than anyone else.

as he’s about to walk in, he suddenly gets interrupted by the rhythmic strumming of your guitar, and soft hums again that follow. Each time you sing, you’re stopping to review, and write a new lyric. He’s never even heard this song before, were you actually serious about this whole songwriting thing?

Jungwon didn't want to remember it, but seeing you like this reminds him of the times he’d stay at your house, while you sang random songs you learnt on the guitar for fun.

maybe he’s in some kind of trance, not realising how much he’s leaning against the door. because a second later, in the middle of you practising one verse, sounds of metal clanging and wood falling fill the quiet room.

“Shit-” Jungwon’s eyes widen, as he hurriedly enters the studio to pick it up, not bothering to apologise. you quickly make your way towards him, picking up the fallen cymbals and guitar stands.

You don’t look at him again, and it annoys him. Not how you ignore him, but how he’s looking at you, as if he’s trying to get you to notice him. Seeing you this close, he gets a view of all the details he had slowly forgotten about since the last time before he cut you off. The way your eyebrows slightly crease, lips pursed awkwardly, as your eyes and focus stayed glued onto picking up the equipment.

(There’s a reason you don’t look up at him, you physically can’t. because you don’t know what stupid thing you’ll do or say if you do turn your head up)

“..What are you doing here?” you ask, still looking down at the instruments, luckily, no damage.

Jungwon clears his throat, looking away before his voice turns high-pitched. “My gym bag. Uh.. I left it here.” you hate how awkward he sounds.

Your eyes follow his figure as he walks past you, but you turn back around to face your back towards him, pretending to fix the instruments he knocked over.

“Um.. what was that song you were singing..? earlier when.. before whatever you played on the guitar.” He asks awkwardly, like it’s taking all the pride in him, gulping it down, to ask this.

Whatever. The song meant for him on the guitar was just whatever.

“Earlier? Were you watching me?”

Jungwon feels his blood boil again, as he takes in a deep, shaky breath, before rolling his eyes. “Forget it.” He says, walking quickly past. This wasn’t worth getting his pride crushed.

“Yah—relax.” You scoff, nudging his shoulder, as Jungwon almost pushed past you to go through the door. The sudden contact makes him move back, avoiding your physicality.

and his move makes you put your hand down awkwardly, blinking and looking away. “Its.. ‘Monster’ by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber.” you read from your phone, showing the screen back to jungwon.

he doesn’t lean in to see the screen, even if he can’t really see it that clearly. It's like he doesn’t even want to step in your vicinity.

“Oh. Thanks.”

you almost want to scoff at his dryness, but you offer a tight-lipped smile, looking away awkwardly.

he walks past, not even sparing you a glance, his chin held up high with an arrogance to his expression you want to slap off.

you close your eyes again, taking a deep inhale to stop yourself from cursing him out as the door shuts. When you go back to your seat, you only see your lyric sheet and pencil there. Which is weird because, you could’ve sworn you had the poster to the showcase right there.

Jungwon stares at the poster in his hands as he steps outside, a sharp glare in his eyes before crumpling it in his fist.

He knows he shouldn’t have stolen from you, but he couldn’t care less.

Because he still recalls the sight he caught when he was grabbing his PE clothes earlier, on a pin board in the back of the music room,

Talent Show Applicants

..

2. Yang Jungwon

..

7. L/n Y/n

your name, right there, staring at him like a challenge. the showcase that was practically all about him, that was his turf, his stage.

and he had to share it with you. He couldn't have that happen, not when he was trying to erase you from his life. and this would be his last straw, he swears on that.

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