🛡 wels 🛡️ minor 🛡️ he/him 🛡️ i kin the minecraft persona only 🛡️ may sign asks as 🗡 🛡 biffa, jevin, + tango PLEASE interact 🛡 anti-kin, factkin, anti-hermitshipper dni 🛡 current tags: 🐍 (python), 📦 (grian), ☢️ (biffa), wels.txt (mine) 🛡 this wasnt supposed to be a vent blog but apparently i like to talk abt my problems here - blacklist "vent" if it bothers u! 🛡 follows from shipmonster101 🛡
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alright, im gonna try to explain why i havent been active, but i have to talk abt some pretty triggering stuff, so pls be careful.
im not sure how to word this so im sorry if it seems abrupt, but the reason ive been gone for a while is bc i tried to kill myself. it didnt work, obvs, tho i wasnt admitted to the hospital bc i cant exactly tell my p*rents since theyre. one of the biggest reasons i tried in the first place. i havent noticed any lasting medical issues from it so im probably okay, i hope.
quarantine is quite honestly one of the worst things that has ever happened to me bc im trapped at home w my family, meaning i have to protect my siblings more often n my p*rents r less scared of hurting me since its less likely to be noticed. my home life has been worse than ever the past few months n im barely holding on here. i also still dont have any way to get ppl to believe me, tho, so im still stuck :)
if im being completely transparent, im kinda scared to come back on here. i got so many messages trying to use my triggers against me n telling me to kill myself that i honestly felt like the community would be better off if i was dead. im rlly grateful for all of u that sent me kind messages, who cared abt me, but it felt like it was drowned out by the overwhelming level of harassment i was being subject to.
i miss this, tho. i miss hermitcraft, n i miss my friends in the community. so im gonna try to be here again. my activity level will probably be pretty unstable, but im gonna try. i hope things go better this time around.
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i just wanna get blackout drunk tonight + forget everything thats happening to me im so sick and tired of having no control over my life so honestly if i die i die lmao
hm yea idk why im the host of the system when i hold. yknow most of the trauma for a good three years (two of which tie for the Literal Worst Year Of Our Life) n can barely function on the daily bc of it like who thought this was a good idea
like i hold the sixth grade trauma memories which include: consistant ostracization from all our peers for being "weird" (read: autistic), having literally no friends or ppl to turn to, being groomed before eventually escaping n dealing w the fact that ppl have literal actual child p*rn of us, our mental health taking a dramatic nosedive + the beginning of our self harm problem, us starting to struggle in school due to undiagnosed adhd leading to increased abuse at home, and our dissociative amnesia becoming increasingly noticeable
and i hold the seventh grade trauma memories which include: our first ever therapist who completely sucked n refused to listen to us, being the first kid in our school to come out n being the target of relentless bullying due to that, being in an abusive relationship w a girl who r*ped me, the first signs of our physical disability, our psychosis acting up for the first time n us being absolutely terrified bc we had no clue what was happening, increasing fear of going home bc our family situation was just getting worse, often being literally unable to communicate bc of paralyzing social anxiety, and being hospitalized for our first suicide attempt
and i also hold the eighth grade trauma memories which include: our amnesia coming in full swing to completely obliterate my ability to know things, frequent death threats from baby alt-rights for daring to be trans where they could see, ramping up physical + emotional abuse at home, gradually functioning less n less bc of our chronic pain n continually undiagnosed adhd + autism, more grooming but less obvious this time so i felt like it was even more my fault, having delusions almost all the time, another failed suicide attempt, and the start of our maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism
not to mention that as of now im holding most of the stuff from this year! im missing a bunch of physical pain + stuff bc of scar splitting off n i dont have ninth grade bc paper holds those but ive got all the abuse n mental illness shit n school problems and god! i am not the fucking alter who should be handling daily life! almost anyone other than me would do a better job at this! i literally have delusions abt how our system works i am the absoluty least qualified alter to be running it i shouldnt have this role what the FUCK
hm yea idk why im the host of the system when i hold. yknow most of the trauma for a good three years (two of which tie for the Literal Worst Year Of Our Life) n can barely function on the daily bc of it like who thought this was a good idea
like i hold the sixth grade trauma memories which include: consistant ostracization from all our peers for being "weird" (read: autistic), having literally no friends or ppl to turn to, being groomed before eventually escaping n dealing w the fact that ppl have literal actual child p*rn of us, our mental health taking a dramatic nosedive + the beginning of our self harm problem, us starting to struggle in school due to undiagnosed adhd leading to increased abuse at home, and our dissociative amnesia becoming increasingly noticeable
and i hold the seventh grade trauma memories which include: our first ever therapist who completely sucked n refused to listen to us, being the first kid in our school to come out n being the target of relentless bullying due to that, being in an abusive relationship w a girl who r*ped me, the first signs of our physical disability, our psychosis acting up for the first time n us being absolutely terrified bc we had no clue what was happening, increasing fear of going home bc our family situation was just getting worse, often being literally unable to communicate bc of paralyzing social anxiety, and being hospitalized for our first suicide attempt
and i also hold the eighth grade trauma memories which include: our amnesia coming in full swing to completely obliterate my ability to know things, frequent death threats from baby alt-rights for daring to be trans where they could see, ramping up physical + emotional abuse at home, gradually functioning less n less bc of our chronic pain n continually undiagnosed adhd + autism, more grooming but less obvious this time so i felt like it was even more my fault, having delusions almost all the time, another failed suicide attempt, and the start of our maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism
not to mention that as of now im holding most of the stuff from this year! im missing a bunch of physical pain + stuff bc of scar splitting off n i dont have ninth grade bc paper holds those but ive got all the abuse n mental illness shit n school problems and god! i am not the fucking alter who should be handling daily life! almost anyone other than me would do a better job at this! i literally have delusions abt how our system works i am the absoluty least qualified alter to be running it i shouldnt have this role what the FUCK
hm yea idk why im the host of the system when i hold. yknow most of the trauma for a good three years (two of which tie for the Literal Worst Year Of Our Life) n can barely function on the daily bc of it like who thought this was a good idea
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im rlly going through it rn so time for vent fic three! i have no quip for this one im out of spoons.
trigger warnings: flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, past abuse/r*pe, self deprecation, suicidal thoughts, past suicide attempt
-
When Wels woke up, he didn't know where he was.
Instinctively, he quieted his breathing, panicking internally as he held deathly still except for his eyes, which darted around, trying to make sense of the situation. He was in a forest. He didn't recognize anything manmade, so it could be anywhere. The sky was darkening - it wasn't quite night yet, but it would be very soon.
He was on the ground, missing his gear, and very vulnerable to the mobs who would be coming for him shortly. He tried to get up, but his limbs wouldn't respond when he tried to move them. Okay. This was okay. (It was not okay.)
He tried to remember how he got here. He remembered this morning, waking up and starting to get prepared for working on a project, but his memories from there just seemed to jump to waking up in this forest. So he was missing most of his day. That was worrying.
As long as he could get out of here soon, it'd be fine. Away from the creaks in the dimming light, the groans of mobs not far away, the lock clicking open, the heavy footsteps down the hall, the yelling from the other room as he covered his ears and curled up on himself-
No, no, he wasn't there anymore, he was in Hermitcraft with his friends, the noise he could hear was minecarts running through long-abandoned passages, water running through distant rivers, leaves rustling above him, doors slamming, angry expressions, screaming and crying and exhaustion and pain-
Wels wretched himself up off the ground, head spinning from the sudden movement and lack of air but that didn't matter, he needed out of here now now now. He ran, vision blurring from tears, stumbling and hurting himself but refusing to stop, branches scratching at his skin, bruises everywhere they touched him, crying out for help without a response, saying it was his fault, his fault, his fault-
He didn't even care anymore, maybe if he was a good child this wouldn't be happening, but he wasn't, he was weak and dumb and bad, he tried so hard but it wasn't enough and he wasn't enough and he was tired, so tired, but he was just making excuses now, they did so much for him and this is what he gave them back, he was just making things up they'd never hurt him he didn't know what was happening he never knew anything he was so stupid-
Nothing he did ever mattered and he should just do everyone a favor and die, they'd all be better off, he was such a useless child and not worth the effort, they were right to not care and not pay attention and let him get hurt, it was his fault that she hurt him because he wasn't smart enough to see it, they supported who he was so how dare he dislike them, didn't he know it could be so much worse, they could take it away at any time, he was so scared all the time he was so sick of being scared he just wanted it all to stop-
He could hear something but it was all so muffled, if only he payed better attention, if only he wasn't so stupid, pushing himself hurt so bad but at least they didn't hit him, yelling again, his sobs drowned out by all the noise, heavy footsteps, doors slamming, he couldn't breathe, sudden quiet- it wasn't quiet, he could hear someone talking gently, he couldn't move, his chest hurt so he took a deep breath and the haze over his consciousness began to clear.
"That's it. Can you do that again, Wels?" He focused on the person, trying to ground himself as he listened, breathing in again, following their rhythm, mind clearing a bit more every time. He wasn't home. He was in Hermitcraft. This was his home now. He didn't have to go back there, nobody was going to make him. His friends would defend him if they had to. He was safe.
"There you go." Xisuma pulled Wels into a hug, the knight immediately wrapping his arms around him and pushing his face into his shoulder. Xisuma rubbed his back comfortingly, and Wels relaxed a bit more. "Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to sleep? We're near my base, you can stay over."
"I..." Wels pulled away from the hug, taking Xisuma's hands and holding them to keep himself grounded. "If you don't mind me talking..."
"Of course I don't mind. I care about you, Wels." X squeezed his hands. "It can help to get it out sometimes."
Wels took a deep breath, then exhaled. "Back in my home world, before I became a knight, I lived with my parents." Wels looked down, not particularly wanting to watch Xisuma's reactions right now. "My father worked for the local government, pretty high up, and my mother ran a charity organization. Everyone knew them, and everyone liked them."
Wels tightened his grip on Xisuma's hands. "I tried so hard to be what they wanted me to be. I could never quite do it." His voice dropped in volume. "But my effort didn't matter. Every time I failed or said the wrong thing or if they were angry at something else I'd get hurt."
"I-I was so scared all the time. I had to be on alert constantly and I had to hide my problems and I had to pretend." Wels breathed deeply and tried not to cry. "They never paid much attention to me when I wasn't making a mistake so they never even noticed when she found me."
Xisuma moved to let Wels lean on him before he continued, "I didn't know how to say no when she asked me to date her. I didn't know what to do when she hurt me too, like they did." His voice shook and dropped to a whisper. "I didn't know how to say no when she held me down and touched me and I didn't want to. I didn't know how to get out. I just wanted it all to stop."
Wels rocked back and forth slightly, breathing starting to become a bit erratic. "I took a bunch of pills and woke up in a hospital and the doctors were worried. They wanted me to stay but my mother wanted me home." Xisuma gently pulled Wels' hands away from each other, preventing him from scratching at his wrists. "They were so angry and I was terrified. They stepped towards me and I ran, and they followed and I kept running, I-ah, I-I had to."
Wels was becoming frantic, his words stringing together as he tried to keep talking. "I- sometimes I wake up somewhere a-and I think I'm home and I gotta run because they're gonna f-find me, and I get so scared a-and it's so stupid-" Xisuma wrapped his arms around Wels, gently cutting him off. "Shh. Wels, I know. It's not your fault. You're safe here, I'm not going to let anything happen to you." Wels just laid his head on Xisuma's shoulder and cried.
Wels didn't know how much time had passed, just that his tears were finally stopping and X was still holding him, running his fingers through his hair. Wels sniffled and pulled his head back. He was so tired, he realized, probably from the running and crying. X smiled at him before picking him up, Wels wrapping his arms around his shoulders and laying his head down.
By the time they reached Xisuma's base, Wels was barely conscious. X set him in his bed, careful not to disturb him. He removed his armor and slid under the covers next to Wels, who made a content noise and cuddled closer to him. X barely even heard Wels whisper, almost imperceptibly, a quiet "thank you."
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