Tonightâs essay is our first male point of view. Â Thanks to @thenightinmyveins for taking the time to write about his evolution. Â Itâs a wonderful read about the growth of a man, a Dom, and his relationship with his beloved. Â Itâs satisfying from beginning to end and I thank him for contributing. Â
A side note - Thanks for all the positive feedback on these and please feel free to keep sending them in. Â They donât need to be perfectly written or works of art. Â After all, we canât all write like @exoticeva or @freelydone. Â Iâd just like to hear some of your stories. Â From the messages Iâve received, it seems like a lot of readers take comfort hearing about experiences of others, especially those who have been in the lifestyle for some time. You know, when youâre starting out, it often seems daunting to enter into this. Â I think new Doms and subs take comfort in hearing about the good, the bad, and the awkward. Â I have a couple of more of these in the queue and some good folks have told me they are writing their own stories. Â So I hope to have a few more of these at the minimum.
A friend sent this wonderful project to me and asked if I would please participate; she thought a Domâs perspective might be interesting. The problem is, after 2 days of looking back to almost 30 years ago⌠I canât think of a single, solitary moment that stands out as specifically memorable enough to qualify as a âvery first D/s experienceâ. The problem is, my path into this lifestyle was just not that remarkable. There was no big, sudden reveal at the end of the show to write about. No sexy story to tell of one grand night where everything finally came together and the clouds parted.
I guess I was one of the lucky ones. For me, getting involved in D/s play was a gradual, slow-burn build-up with a willing, interested partner. I married the second girl I ever dated in high school. From the start, we both knew that we were *different* and that we always had been; we took advantage of that and were adventurous and experimental early on. D/s dynamics and activities just naturally slipped into our sex and play times, escalating and evolving organically, until they started to bleed over into other aspects of our relationship. It was fun and tapped into themes that we had both known were inside us our whole lives. We just kind of woke up one morning and realized that spanking, bondage, name-calling, force, etc. had just sort of become standard sex inclusions without consciously deciding that was going to happen. Dominant and submissive aspects followed outside the bedroom to become a bigger and bigger part of our relationship. But, the lack of a pivotal âmomentâ was both a blessing and a curse.
Long before we ever talked about getting married we had many conversations about wanting and needing a relationship that was basically kinky and open, even if we didnât know what to call it at the time. We loved each other deeply; we cared and looked out for each other. We tried to take things slowly and be cautious. We communicated openly and discussed things constantly. We talked freely about our fantasies, our limits, and comfort levels. And yet, we still managed to make every mistake I now caution others about. We also failed to even recognize we were making those mistakes, falsely believing we were doing everything ârightâ. And, the worst part, it was such an easy trap to fall into.
Back then, BDSM and kink information was not so readily accessible and available. There werenât people on TV engaged in it, no best selling books or movies portraying it. If you wanted to know anything about BDSM topics, you really had to want to know. You had to work for it and put in a lot of effort to find it on your own. And, good luck doing that if you didnât live in an actual city. Before we found out there were clubs and events you could go to with *people who do this in real life* - clubs and events a several hour drive away - our only âresourcesâ were badly written erotica, kink magazines, mail-order catalogs, and what little related porn we could find. Mind you, this was all hard copy. You actually had to walk into a store and buy it in person, not online stuff you can easily get your hands on today. We eventually found online chat rooms (or whatever they were called back then), but found out later they were no better in providing a realistic take on things, and maybe even less helpful. Obviously, those are not reliable sources, but that wasnât so obvious at the time. As a couple of dumb kids, it was easy to fall into the cartoonish and stereotypical paradigms we saw portrayed as they were our only exposure to the lifestyle at all. We just simply didnât know any better and so tried to mold how we did BDSM to what was reflected there. And that so didnât work for us, no matter how hard we tried to make it.
Here we were, thinking we were finally living out our fantasies, and yet neither of us were happy or satisfied. In fact, we might have been even less so at that point. We couldnât figure out why or what was wrong. Neither of us could see that even though they didnât really portray us or what we wanted, we still kept trying to force our round pegs into their square holes. We had fooled ourselves into thinking what was expected and required was what we kept seeing in those materials - highly sensationalized caricatures of real BDSM. The more dissatisfied we became, the harder we tried to force ourselves to be the Dom and sub we thought we were supposed to be. The deeper we sank into roles and limitations that would never suit us, the greater our confusion and frustration grew. And so the cycle continued.
It wasnât until we had actually gotten out to our first public event things changed. It took months of nervous anxiousness and anticipation, plus several cancelled attempts due to cold feet, to get us there. I donât even remember what the event was anymore, just that it was at The Crucible near Washington, DC. We were both our usual awkward and shy, introverted selves all night long. We sat as quiet and unobtrusive as possible, trying to not be noticed. We barely talked to anyone, and only if someone approached us first. And still, the epiphany finally happened. Once we saw real people just being themselves at an actual event, interacting as such, the light went on for both of us. It was so different and less dark and daunting than we had ever thought. Sure, there were little subtle tells in how people interacted, communicated, and responded to one another, things that volumes and hinted there was much more behind the curtain⌠and, of course, there were scenes and play going on throughout the club. Hard to say which we found more fascinating and sexy to watch, the subtle communication and nuances of behavior or the actual scenes. But more importantly, here was a club full of people, all with their own unique, diverse relationships and styles, just doing their own things ⌠and it was all accepted and okay. Thatâs when it finally clicked for us what was wrong and what we were missing. We realized why what we had been doing wasnât working for us. It was an energetic, conversation-filled 3 hour drive home.
We finally realized that our BDSM could be just that, ours. That we could shape our lifestyle however we damn well pleased. That there is no *one* or *true* way. That if we wanted, it could be bright colors, silly and fun, and flirty and teasing. That it was okay to laugh and be cute; it didnât have to be all dark, brooding, and stoicism. That we could be switchy and blur our lines at times if we wanted. That we could make our own rules and define our own roles in whatever manner best suited our personalities and identities.
The secret we were missing was that we just had to be ourselves. For me, it was learning you could be dommy without being mean or acting like a jerk. For her, she learned she could be submissive without giving up her identity, independence, and strength. We could do this and still be the people and display the traits that drew us to each other in the first place. We didnât need to change who we intrinsically were to match BDSMâs expectations, instead, we needed to change our BDSM so that it better mirrored us and our expectations.
It was so obvious after the fact, but we just couldnât see it until we saw it in other people. That realization made all the difference for us. It made it easier and possible to just do what was right for us. It also made it more comfortable for us to start getting out to things consistently, to meet people, and become involved in the community. Experiences and friendships my life would be less rich without.
I know this isnât specifically the story being asked for, itâs not a first D/s experience, but it was my earliest, most memorable lifestyle realization and one of our most defining D/s experiences. Leaning that itâs not only okay, but necessary for my kink to be *my* kink was fundamental to who I am today. To be you and let your kink reflect that. That even in the seriousness of this lifestyle, it is important to simply do what makes you happy and brings you contentment, satisfaction, and joy.
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