Willow's Whimseys

I'd be stupid to say that my life hasn't been the picture perfect kind. I never had a want or need growing up. My family had our struggles but our love for one another always won out. I was a smart kid in school; good grades just came naturally for me... until they didn't. When I started to struggle in school that's when my life took a turn. I felt like no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't make the grades rise, and because of that I became a disappointment to my family. "That B would look a lot better as an A Chelsea" my father would say after I told him my grades. If only he saw how hard I worked to get that math grade up from a C.. I got tired of trying and never reaching my end goal of "Chelsea I'm proud of you" so I stopped caring. When I was 13 I met Cam. He was like a god in my eyes. I snuck out frequently to see him and he showed me what the real world was like. I knew from day one that Cam was only a stepping stone in my life. A boyfriend that would help me grow into the person I was supposed to be. Now let's skip ahead to 15. At 15 I started sneaking out and going to bdsm parties with Cam. They amazed me. These people were so open and inviting. So ready to teach me about their lifestyles. They taught me to love my body and not be afraid to show it! They empowered me and helped me grow. Now skip to 16 when Cam and I get rocky. Cam is now 19 and is on his way to college in California. We struggled to make the distance work and lost our trust for one another in the process. By the time we finally break things off I'm 17. And this is where my destruction begins.. I dressed up one night and snuck out of my dads house (it was always easy for me to sneak away from either home). I went to this bdsm house party not far away. I was having a good night with my friends. My first time being in that environment without having a claim over me. I met Steven. We had talked before but I never paid him any attention. He convinced me to go home with him. That whole car ride I was a nervous wreck. I wanted to have sex with him but I was nervous because he wasn't Cam (Cam was my first and safety net). We get to his place and it wasn't necessarily a bachelor pad but it wasn't a family home either. Just sorta in the middle. Nothing special but nothing awful either. It took me what felt like hours before I finally worked up the courage to accept his advances and move things to the bedroom. He asked if I felt comfortable with us using his bdsm things. I agreed and he proceeded to tie me up. I remember him putting this bag..mask? I'm not really sure what it was over my face, but it was soft. I couldn't see or move. I sat like that for a long time just waiting for him to make his move. I remember hearing his foot steps and then something hit my back. It was searing pain instantly and I screamed. I told him I was done and that I wasn't into pain play but he just laughed. He laughed and then hit me again. And again. And again. He beat me for hours. He got off on my pain. When I woke up I was untied and he was sitting on the steps. "Get dressed pig. You honestly make me sick by how little your body could handle. No wonder Cam left you." He grabbed me by the face so hard that I thought my teeth were going to break. "If you tell anyone what happened tonight I'll kill you. I will make sure every inch of your body is in agony Chelsea. Besides no one will believe you if you tell. You can't prove anything against me pig." He shoved me towards the door and oinked until I was out of his site. On my walk home I ripped the old Chelsea out. She couldn't handle it. He was right what could I tell anyone? He didn't rape me. He didn't touch me in anyway besides beating me. He was right. I couldn't do shit. So I threw her away. My cousin and her friends took me in and helped create the new Chelsea. This Chelsea was dangerous. She coped with huge amounts of tequila and a homemade bong that probably gave me cancer. Despite everything that happened I felt alive when I went out with them. I owe my life to those girls. Now let's skip to 19. A little more stable but twice the walls built up inside. I meet Dylan. He's 17 at the time and everything my family hated. But I loved him so much. I thought he was the one for me. The one that was going to bring me out of this dark spot and create a life with me. But boy was I wrong. We were so bad for each other. Toxic almost. He showed me the easy path in life. The path that ehh had very bad decisions but was fun and a lot easier than working my life away in a job that I wasn't sure I wanted. Dylan showed me how good it felt to not be alone. I didn't realize until he came along how truly alone I felt. So I clung to him for dear life. I became very dependent on weed while we were together. There wasn't a second of the day that I wasn't high. Pot became my life force. It was the only way I could eat, sleep, or feel any good kind of emotional response. Now to 20 when I meet jack. Jack was immediately put in my head as a bad person. A true drug user. But I liked how he fought back against me. He put up with my shit and called me out from the get go. We talked just on the phone for a year before we met. But once we met it was like zero to one hundred. Our feelings for one another grew so quickly. We had a slip up one night that required me to take plan b the next day. It was very emotional for me. I was fighting an inner battle of guilt and hope. Guilt for potentially killing a child and hope for a better life. My hope won out thankfully. Jack wasn't supportive of my decision though. He made me feel like a bad person for wanting to wait on a life with him and kids. So I did what I do best when I'm emotional. I write. I wrote him this huge text about my issues and my issues with him. I opened up and finally told someone about my thoughts of suicide. I was hoping that text would convey the words that I was unable to ask. That text was my cry for help... and the reply back broke me. "I'm at work. I didn't read the text. I will later." And just like that all the emptiness came back. I'm lost again and this time I don't know if I can come back from it. How many times can a person be ripped apart before it's impossible to fix?

A packed. A promise to never let each other do something stupid alone. All the boys gave her massive amounts of encouragement and she finally faced her fear.

It's time to be a big girl... and big girls don't cry.

Burn away the pain while I smoke this Mary Jane

Burn away the pain while I smoke this Mary Jane

How could you play me like this? Her name falling off your lips. Boy you better walk before I send you to the abyss. Because I'm about to bring out the warships.

Don’t call me daily saying you wanna see these baby blues if all you’re going to do is fill them with sadness. Be there for me. Let’s fight this madness. Let’s smoke this tree and forget the badness.