Wee Little Doc

nurse: THE PATIENT NEEDS OXYGEN

me: (moves a plant next to the patient) :D!

me:

13th (2016)

yes, sometimes it’s taking a warm bath and texting memes to friends and keeping an aesthetically pretty journal.

sometimes it’s crying silently on your couch at 3am, hugging yourself and reminding yourself that you’re a good person.

After spending the last two weeks working exclusively in the clinic I thought I’d share some of my experiences through a little known list of doctor facts*. Enjoy.

There is a huge doctor surplus, each physician at my clinic has about 20 patients, max

When not seeing patients I’m just sitting in the back room playing on tumblr and pintrest

Before walking into an exam room I sometimes ask to be called out so that I can continue playing tumblr and pintrest

I can diagnose anything over the phone, I only make you come in because your $10 copay is paying for my boat

Anything you come in with can be cured by a pill that only has to be taken once a month and works even if you forget to pick it up from the pharmacy

This pill is also completely paid for by your insurance

It also has no side effects

The only reason I recommend flu vaccinations is because big pharma pays me like a million dollars for every shot I give

When you arrive 45 minutes for an appointment and I say I’ll squeeze you in, remember that I only have like 20 patients total. So be sure to complain loudly to everyone who walks by and to swear loudly at me when I finally get in. Without your complaining I’d never learn to be on time

The fact you dropped out of MA school half way through definitely makes you more qualified to make a medical diagnosis than me

In fact, the only reason I went to college, medical school, and residency is because I’m really dumb and couldn’t learn everything as fast as you could

Other people who are more qualified to give medical opinions than me: your friends, the internet, celebrities, your neighbor the nursing assistant

The only reason I order blood work is to feed the lab vampire

There are only two medical professions, doctors and nurses. All men are doctors, all women are nurses

We get everything in the office for free, so please help yourself to all the tongue depressors, gloves, and otoscopes you can carry

There are only two pills in the world, the light one and the pink one, so I totally know which medicine you are on by the color of the pill you take

Your runny nose is allergies, but in case it’s something else I’m going to give you a z pack and order a head CT