💕 hello i'm Kai 😊🐢

LIKE THE CARE KIDS WERE LITERALLY MEAN AND FUCKED UP but they actually cared about literally anything aside from themselves and didn't constantly manipulate me and take advantage of my empathy.

and they didn't leave the house fucking disgusting and have guests over who leave shit in the toilets.

like damn i'm not the one leaving shit in the toilets and food in the kitchen sink drain every single fucking day!!!!!

at the very least, despite me never doing or saying anything particularly assertive towards them they get freaked out if i fight back at all, so all the more reason to actually do so. Like they're bullies, but the kind of bully that fucking crumbles when anyone actually stands up against them, because they're so fucking weak and insular they wouldn't even choose to bully someone if they didn't perceive (dehumanise) them to the point of considering them somebody who would never fight back.

it makes me feel a bit better knowing how weak they are, cause i've been feeling really frustrated and frankly guilty (not that i have anything to feel bad about) about not standing up for myself more, not protecting the system how i want or whatever, but its actually going to be so fucking easy to have an impact on them because they never expected me to have any strength of my own.

they truly are the worst kind of person to me and i'm not kidding. nothing is more disgustingly pathetic than a person who is miserable, aimless, weak, shallow, insincere etc and takes their unhappiness out on those around them instead of getting better even just for themselves.

the kind of thing i never want to be.

the kind of thing I'm afraid to see in those around me, because i don't want to feel trapped.

the kind of thing, the kind of existence, that i need to destroy.

and that goes for within myself as well.

i think the biggest impact i'll ever have on them is fighting back, especially since they tormented me for sixteen fucking months.

i LIVED with these people.

i don't wanna be all "pain makes you better", but i think that for these people it's evident that they are deeply alive and connected to The World, their own experiences, and living the best life they can. that goes for all of them, including the mean ones, even if they really showed no hints of a better person in the time i knew them. (and like, i was in the same fucked system as them, i understood some of their pain very directly, and witnessed it too.) there might be a huge selection bias for those who chose to leave their homes in the first place (actually i'm not sure when each of them moved out originally; maybe they didn't choose) but honestly what's important to me is that i need to recognise that i don't need these disgusting bullies i had as part of my life for over a year, because the bond i had with those displaced care assholes was way deeper and more significant than the exploitative, superficial, power-based interactions i had with the current freaks.

i'm always very scared of being alone, being rejected, being hurt, and because of how my DID formed especially i yearn and reach for love and care from others wherever i can find it. i'm so nice to strangers because if i get a genuine smile back i feel just a bit less alone, and i inhale any scraps of love i can get because i'm always starving. and i dont think its even about whether i get enough "love" as i am, it's more that i'm split off in that i can only feel the yearning, pursuit by myself, not the fulfillment.

'i know how to appeal to love from others, i have my fawn response, i have my gentleness and unadvisable forgiveness, i have my protectiveness, i have my affection, but for me to actually feel fulfilled the other parts need to be okay too. they need stability, empathy, reciprocation, honesty, trust, communication, sincerity (different to honesty) because my very young child brain of "get love/d" doesn't create sustainable relationships alone, it needs all those other factors too.'i know how to appeal to love from others, i have my fawn response, i have my gentleness and unadvisable forgiveness, i have my protectiveness, i have my affection, but for me to actually feel fulfilled the other parts need to be okay too. they need stability, empathy, reciprocation, honesty, trust, communication, sincerity (different to honesty) because my very young child brain of "get love/d" doesn't create sustainable relationships alone, it needs all those other factors too.

and i know that therapeutically i need to be able to believe i can change and grow from my original purpose/characteristics, but at the same time i don't know how to convey to you how deep in my core such frenetic, desperate flailing for care is born from.

LIKE THE CARE KIDS WERE LITERALLY MEAN AND FUCKED UP but they actually cared about literally anything aside from themselves and didn't constantly manipulate me and take advantage of my empathy.

and they didn't leave the house fucking disgusting and have guests over who leave shit in the toilets.

like damn i'm not the one leaving shit in the toilets and food in the kitchen sink drain every single fucking day!!!!!

at the very least, despite me never doing or saying anything particularly assertive towards them they get freaked out if i fight back at all, so all the more reason to actually do so. Like they're bullies, but the kind of bully that fucking crumbles when anyone actually stands up against them, because they're so fucking weak and insular they wouldn't even choose to bully someone if they didn't perceive (dehumanise) them to the point of considering them somebody who would never fight back.

it makes me feel a bit better knowing how weak they are, cause i've been feeling really frustrated and frankly guilty (not that i have anything to feel bad about) about not standing up for myself more, not protecting the system how i want or whatever, but its actually going to be so fucking easy to have an impact on them because they never expected me to have any strength of my own.

they truly are the worst kind of person to me and i'm not kidding. nothing is more disgustingly pathetic than a person who is miserable, aimless, weak, shallow, insincere etc and takes their unhappiness out on those around them instead of getting better even just for themselves.

the kind of thing i never want to be.

the kind of thing I'm afraid to see in those around me, because i don't want to feel trapped.

the kind of thing, the kind of existence, that i need to destroy.

and that goes for within myself as well.

i think the biggest impact i'll ever have on them is fighting back, especially since they tormented me for sixteen fucking months.

i LIVED with these people.