jamison

You were expecting to be over on the mainland until Sunday night, but the plans changed last minute and you and your parents ended up returning on Saturday night instead. You decided not to tell JJ, however, wanting to surprise him. Why? Well, not much happens these days to surprise anyone, so you took whatever chance you were able to get.

You quickly dropped your bags off home, grabbed a quick bite to eat and then you rode over to JJ’s house. You both were from the same area of town; the cut. It was how you and JJ became friends in the first place. You two were the only one’s in your little part of town who were the same age, that was until you became friends with the rest of the pogues.

Within a few minutes, you were at JJ’s. It wasn’t often that you went to JJ’s house. Any chance he took, he would always try to go to anyone else’s house. You and the rest of the pogues knew that his life at home wasn’t the best, with his mum disappearing when he was only 10. His dad was notorious for losing his temper, sometimes evident on JJ’s body. He always tried to make excuses for why he had bruises and cuts, but it had happened so much that you and the rest of the pogues knew better. Still, no one ever brought it up in conversation, scared of how JJ would react.

You let your bike drop at the start of his long driveway, next to where JJ’s bike was. You walked up the gravel driveway, trying not to make too much noise as this was a surprise after all. There was a light on at his house, and you could see a figure in the window, indicating that someone was home. You grew excited, seeing as you hadn’t seen your boyfriend in a few days. Despite it not being long, you and JJ rarely spent any day apart, so it felt like it had been weeks.

As you walked close to the front door, however, you could see another body in the window, along with yelling. It took a few seconds to process what was going on, but when you did, your heart began to beat louder and you grew nervous. It was rare that you came into contact with JJ’s dad, he never seemed to be home. But you knew that by the level of the voices coming from inside, that it wasn’t good.

You froze in your place, unsure of what to do. One part of you wanted to turn around and pretend like you never saw what happened, but the other part of you knew that you couldn’t leave JJ alone, not like this. You decided to move out of sight from the window, but still staying close enough that you could see what was going on.

After a few more minutes of yelling, slamming and some talk about JJ’s mother, his dad stormed out of the house from the back door, got on JJ’s motorbike and rode away, right past you without him even noticing you. All was silent for a few seconds until you heard the sounds of JJ crying, which was enough to break your heart into two.

You didn’t think twice before walking up to the front door, which was open seeing as they never lock it, and walking right inside, following the sounds of JJ’s sobs. When you walked into the living room, you found JJ sitting in the corner of the room, with his knees up to his chest, hugging them close with his head down. You paced over to him, kneeling to his level and gently placing a hand in his arm, trying not to startle him.

But the second you placed a hand on JJ, he flinched. He shot his head up quickly, with fear evident in his eyes. His lip was split open, bleeding down his chin. His cheek also had a cut in it, but the saddest of all was the constant stream of tears down his face. When he realised it was you, and not his dad coming back to hurt him, he let out a mix between a whine and a sob. Whatever it was, it was enough to make you start crying.

You hated seeing him like this, upset and broken. You had only ever seen it once before when he found a letter his mum wrote for him when he was 12. His dad had hidden it from him, for whatever reason. It wasn’t until he read the letter that he realised how much he missed his mum, longed for her care that his dad didn’t have, not one bit.

JJ kept his eyes locked with yours, frozen still, scared to move which would cause him pain. Instead, you crawled down next to him, with your body pressed against his while you wrapped your arms around him. You knew that he was still too injured and vulnerable to say anything, and you didn’t want to say anything else which would make him upset, so you let your hugging do the talking.

JJ finally let go of a breath that he didn’t realise he was holding. Once he knew that you were there next to him, and his dad was long gone, he broke down even more. He sobs got louder, his body was shaking more and he was trying to say something, anything, but nothing except vacant sobs would pass through his mouth.

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m here, you don’t have to say anything, I know it hurts, you don’t have to talk,” you tried to reassure him.

He began to move in your arms. You released your grip on him so he could do what he wanted to do, but he only ended up turning around, so the two of you were now facing each other, with his legs over the top of yours. He slightly dragged himself forward, slowly, due to the pain that was rushing through his ribs, so that your bodies were now flush together. He ended up wrapping his arms underneath yours and holding on to you tighter than ever before.

JJ never broke down his walls like he was currently doing. He vowed to always stay strong for the other people around him, no matter how much he was hurting, but at this very time, he couldn’t control himself. He had so many emotions building up in him for the longest time, and his dad hit a nerve that he had never done before, which caused him to lose all sense of stability.

You allowed the boy to collapse in your arms, holding him as if he were falling. You knew that you had to be strong for him. Even though it killed you to see your boyfriend in that much pain, you knew that you had to be strong enough for both of you.

So, you two sat in that position - JJ sitting in your lap, arms wrapped around you tight as if he was afraid to let go, with you gently playing with his hair, which you knew always made him feel better. You whispered anything that came to mind, anything that would help him calm down. You knew that this breakdown was inevitable at some point, so you didn’t want to rush whatever JJ had to let go of.

You don’t know if it was minutes or hours which had past, but the boy eventually calmed down, his sobs turning into consistent tears, his breathing back to somewhat normal. You stayed silent though, letting him decide what he wanted to do next.

“You were never meant to see me like this, y’know,” he whispered, so softly that you almost didn’t hear him.

“What do you mean, bub?” You asked, confused.

“I’m your boyfriend, I’m meant to stay strong for you, for everybody. I’ve been dealing with my…” he trailed off. You didn’t speak, instead letting him finish what he had to say.

“I’ve been dealing with my dad for a while now, y’know, the beatings and whatnot. They usually didn’t phase me too much, I’m used to them. But tonight, he said something about my mum, and I-I, I don’t know what happened.”

You knew that JJ’s mum was always a touchy subject. You never brought it up, the two of you only talked about her when he mentioned it, which wasn’t often. You knew that this was a big thing for JJ; opening up to you about his mum.

“You don’t have to stay strong, not for me, not for anyone else. You’re allowed to feel sometimes J,” you spoke, another sob coming out of his mouth went you mentioned ‘feel’.

“J, nothing you could ever say could excuse what your dad does to you. And I’m sorry that I haven’t noticed sooner, I know that you’ve been hurting and in pain, yet I never said anything. But J-“ You had to pause to hold back a sob; this was hurting you so much as well, seeing the person you love more than anything in so much pain.

“- What your dad does is not okay. And you need to realise that. I am here, and I love you. You have the rest of the pogues who love you so much too. But this-“ You motioned to his injuries “This isn’t love.”

JJ said nothing after you spoke. Instead, he moved back from his position in your arms, locked eyes with you as more tears fell from his ocean blue eyes and whispered softly:

“I know. I know this isn’t love. But he’s my dad.” He paused for a moment.

“He’s the only family I have left.”

You nodded softly. You understood that as much as his situation sucked with his dad, the good times with him made it seem like it was worth it, as if he really did love him and had his best intentions. But you know that no father could ever put their child in this much harm and mean it in a good way.

“I know that it may seem good at some times, when the two of you get along, but J, we are your family. Me, John B, Kiara, Pope, we’re your family. We love you more than anything in this world, and it kills us to see you in this much pain.”

He stayed quiet for a few moments, but then he spoke softly.

“I know.”

The two of you stayed as you were, sitting with your crossed legs overlapping while looking at each other, your eyes having a whole conversation in itself.

But then, classic JJ style, he spoke.

“You know, my ribs kill like a bitch. I need some weed,” he spoke, managing to squeeze out a chuckle too.

And just like that, you knew that he was going to be okay. You were going to do everything in your power to make sure that JJ stayed his goofy, cheeky self that you know best. You were going to help him figure out a way to get away from his dad and make him safe. You couldn’t bear the thought of anything else happening to him. For the rest of the night, you helped clean up JJ’s wounds and bruises, made some toast (since that’s the only thing the boy had at his house) and then lay together on the hammock outside, cuddling him in a way which wouldn’t hurt him. Oh, and of course, JJ had a blunt too.

But out of all the pogues, JJ was the one who adored you the most. He was the most aware of the way you were feeling and did everything in his power to make you feel as beautiful as possible. There were times when he could see how you were feeling before you even did. Like the times when you all went swimming in the marsh, but you were hesitant, with a towel wrapped around your body. He gave you a kiss on your head, gently unwrapped the towel from your body and then jumped into the water, with your hand in his. He was constantly giving you small kisses all of your face and hugging you in ways which you knew made you feel safe.

The thing was, that this always happened while you were swimming, while you had a bathing suit on. When you first started developing feelings for JJ, you tried to suppress them, for many reasons. But the reason you were most afraid was JJ having to see you naked. The thought of you being naked in front of someone else made you want to crawl out of your own skin.

But when JJ and you shared a kiss one night at the chateau, you couldn’t believe that he felt the same way. You thought that maybe he was just really drunk and had mistaken you for a random touron, but this wasn’t the case. You made sure that nothing went further than kissing that night, scared of what may have happened if you did. But when you two went back inside, you found a bedroom, and JJ sat down, patting his lap with his arms open, intending for you to climb on top. You froze in your spot. You knew that you couldn’t do it, sit on him and crush him. He could see the worry in your eyes. His heart broke at the sight of you being insecure. In his eyes, you were the most beautiful person in the entirety of obx.

“y/n, come here” he spoke, gently.

Your eyes moved to his eyes, where he looked at you with nothing but care and love. You moved to sit down next to him on the bed, with your eyes facing down to your hands in your lap. He moved one of his hands to intertwine with yours, squeezing it. Neither of you spoke, you could tell what he was saying by his touch. His thumb moved back and forth on your hand, which made you feel more serene. You let out a sigh and rested your head on his shoulder. He moved closer to you than he already was and you could feel the worry leave you. Being so close to him made you feel more safe and secure than you had felt in your whole life.

“You have nothing to be afraid of, you know that, right?” He said softly, resting his head on top of yours.

You paused for a few moments.

“I know, sometimes I just feel…” you trailed off.

“I know. I can tell. I hate that you feel the way you do.”

“I’m here though,” he continued. “I know that it takes time to break down the image that you have of yourself. I know that it’s not easy just to disregard the way that you feel. It might take some time, but I want you one day to look at yourself and see you the way that I see you.”

That night, JJ asked you to be his girlfriend. But what you didn’t know was that that night, JJ made a promise to himself. He wanted to do absolutely everything in his power to make you feel like a goddess. It broke him to know that you don’t like the way that you look, and he wanted to change that.

From that night onwards, JJ was forever trying to make you feel loved. He would compliment the way that you looked, no matter what you were wearing. He would say sweet nothings to you, which made you feel wanted and cared for. There was nothing that JJ could have done more to make you feel beautiful, and you did, for the first time in a very long time.

But you knew that you wanted to take things further with JJ. You knew that him going this long without sex was probably agonised for him, considering he was always getting with anyone with a heartbeat. But you admired the fact that he was waiting for you.

You two had spoken a few times about sex. He told you at the start of your relationship that he wanted you to be completely open and honest with him, no matter what it was about. He wanted to be 100% sure that you were okay with it before agreeing. He didn’t want you to feel like you were only doing it for him because he wanted to. But you were ready. Did the thought of it scare you? Yes. But you knew that there was no one else in the world you would want your first time to be with.

So one night, when your family was on the mainland for the night, you invited JJ over. You made sure that everything was perfect. There was no mess anywhere, the bedsheets were freshly washed and most importantly, you were wearing lingerie which made you feel beautiful. You had learnt that in order to believe anyone else when they called you beautiful, you had to feel that way. And wearing this did make you feel beautiful. You knew that you were ready.

When he arrived, you wasted no time getting to the bedroom. It was odd to you that you were this eager to do this, but something in you had sparked. JJ was surprised by your sudden eagerness but nonetheless carried on.

You sat down on your bed, with JJ next to you. You took a deep breath before continuing.

“I know that you have been patient with me, waiting until I was comfortable enough with myself to do this. But I’m ready now.”

“y/n…” he trailed out. “If you’re only saying this because you think I’m just eager for sex, you’re wrong. I promise that I’m fine with waiting for you. I know that this process may take a long time, but I’m okay with it. I promise you I’m fine. Please don’t-“. You cut him off.

“JJ, I promise; I’m ready.”

He studied your eyes intensely, with his eyebrows furrowed and a slight smirk on his face. I made you crack a smile, which made him laugh too.

“What?” You asked.

“I’m looking to see if you’re lying”

“JJ! I promise I’m not” you spoke over the top of your chuckle.

“Believe me, I’m ready” you spoke more softly, looking into his eyes with reassurance.

“Well, what are we waiting for then?” He spoke jokingly, suddenly hovering over you without breaking contact with your eyes. You had this sudden feeling of lust inside of you, something which you had never really felt before. But whatever it was, you liked it.

He lent down and began to give you gentle kisses all over your face, agonisingly missing your lips. He then trailed down to your neck, kissing everywhere, trying to find your sweet spot. You let out a slight moan when he kissed just below your ear, near your jaw. He let out a slight chuckle at your reaction, proud of himself. He continued to kiss over your sweet spot until a nice red mark was formed. You knew that it was going to be very visible the next day, but you didn’t care.

JJ trailed his kisses back up onto your face, still missing your lips. You were growing impatient with the lack of contact where you craved it so much. You let a groan pass your lip, and JJ knew exactly what you were asking for. He decided to give in, kissing you square on the lips. You both skipped the part of gentle kissing which you two normally did, and skipped straight to the part where JJ’s tongue was inside your mouth. You two had never kissed this deeply before, this intensely and with this much emotion. You were starting to understand why JJ would hook up with anyone he could - this was addicting.

After a few more minutes of intensely making out, JJ trailed his lips down to your chest. Your shirt was still on, scared to take it off. You were excited, however, to see JJ’s reaction to what you were wearing underneath.

“JJ, you can take it off” you breathed out, anticipating what was coming next.

He looked back up at you and locked eyes. You knew that in that very moment, he had nothing but love and care for you.

“Are you sure about this? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to” he asked carefully, both of you guys still panting from the kisses before.

You nodded assuringly. “I’m ready.”

He nodded briefly, trailing his hands down to the bottom of your shirt. You sat up slightly so that he could take it off more easily. He ripped it off in one motion, but as soon as you felt the cold air hit your bare stomach, you felt sickening. You suddenly lost all feeling of lust and crave, that was now replaced with anxiousness and doubt. JJ didn’t notice straight away though, his eyes were fixated on the lacy red bra that was underneath your shirt. His eyes widened, definitely not expecting to see what he saw. He looked back up and you, but your eyes were shut tight, now brimming with tears.

JJ’s attitude changed the moment he saw the way which you were feeling. He felt his heart literally break into two.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he repeated, making his way back up to the same level as your face.

“y/n, it’s okay, we don’t have to do this.”

“No.” You said abruptly, with your eyes still closed.

“I want to do this, trust me I do,” you said, with your breathing still all over the place. “I wanted to and I thought I was going to be okay. I worked myself up to do this, and I wore this bra and everything to make me feel beautiful and I genuinely thought I was going to be able to do this. But as soon as I felt the air hit my chest, I-I..” You trailed off. You were trying not to make yourself cry; you were trying to hold back the tears, knowing that if you let yourself cry, you weren’t going to be able to continue. And God, did you want to continue.

“I know this is scary,” he said, holding both of your hands and rubbing his thumb along them, the same way he did the first time the two of you had this conversation. “I know this is going to be challenging for you to do. I understand that it’s going to hard to let down some of the walls which you have built up, but know that I still think that your body is perfect just the way that it is. It makes you, you. The same y/n who I adore, the same y/n who I want to make feel as loved as possible.”

You knew that at that moment, there was nothing that was going to stop you from feeling connected to JJ. As much as it scared you, you did believe that JJ saw you differently to how you saw yourself. And you know that it is going to take some time to overcome the way that you currently feel, but you also know that you want nothing else than to be close to JJ.

“Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry” you apologised quietly. You opened your eyes, only to find a pair of blue eyes already looking at you.

“Don’t apologise,” he said softly.

“You’re right, I want to do this. I just need to get over the initial fear. I didn’t think it would actually be this hard,” you commented, with a breathy chuckle.

“Everything takes time.”

You continued to look at each other's eyes for a few more moments. You still couldn’t believe that a man as gorgeous as JJ would be your own.

When you knew that the moment was right, you nodded at JJ, giving him permission to continue. He looked back at you, weary about if you were being honest. You smiled back at him truthfully, knowing that he would do his absolute best to make you feel the most loved.

He moved away from the level of your face, turned around and threw his legs over the top of yours, straddling you again in the same position that you were before.

“Know, let’s talk about this,” he said eagerly, looking back down at the bra that made him speechless before, making you laugh. You knew that you were head over heels for this man.

He continued to kiss every inch of your stomach. He especially took his time over your stretch marks. They weren’t the ‘cute’ white ones which every person seems to get. Yours were purple, large and evident everywhere on your lower half. Although you had never mentioned this, JJ knew that you were especially insecure about them.

After more kissing, he focused his attention back towards your bra. His hand grabbed onto one of your boobs, the other he had his mouth over, kissing it. It was at that moment where the lust returned and the moment was heated again.

For the rest of the night, JJ did everything in his power to make you feel and beautiful as you could. He caressed you so passionately, full of love. He took extra time making you feel secure with yourself when he moved to the lower half of your body. When he took your shorts off, he laid kisses all over your thighs.  Even throughout the most intimate of moments, ones where JJ would usually be going all out, he made sure to keep himself in line, never stopping from caressing you and kissing you.