We Are Horrible

Zachary: Okay so some thoughts

I liked what the artist was trying to do

The weaponization of music is an underexplored field.

PCW: THIS ALBUM IS SO FUCKING BAD

Zachary: I hope our friendship can survive this experience.

PCW: I hate you

Zachary: I know

PCW: OH MY GOD

They're combining it with shitty jazz

We're about to hit the shitty music singularity

Zachary: tighten your seatbelt

this is gonna be a bumpy ride

PCW: Do you think it would be fair to accuse someone of being a liar if they said they liked this album?

Like because honestly

Not counting drug users

I think if you say you genuinely enjoy this

Zachary: Yeah, I used to wonder if I was gay but I mean I wasn't ever attracted to men so I think there really wasn't all that much wondering I could do.

PCW: The 5 second sexuality test: 1. Do you like dicks? 2. Do you like vaginas?

To be fair some of those questions are a bit tricky.

Zachary: Wait I've got this.

Wait...

wait....

Can we use graphing calculators?

PCW: No but you were allowed a cheat sheet index card.

Zachary: Okay let me check my index cards

"Dicks: no"

Other side says vagina yes

PCW: Good job you did it

You got a 50/100.

That's an F.

You're straight.

Zachary:

PCW: Taking a walk.

Weekends suck here, everybody goes home.

Zachary: That sounds shitty.

You should go stick your dick in someone

I've been informed that it's nice from reliable sources.

Zachary: But yeah it's kinda the most useful option I have

PCW:Sounds awful.

Zachary:It's a slight pain

And therefore something to be avoided.

PCW:Guess there is nothing to be done then

Hari kari time

Zachary:Let me get my hari karaoke knife/microphone combo

And they said I'd never use it.

PCW: Ooh, efficient

Fucking casuals living in the past

Zachary:Why do we get along?

Is it that we like basically the same things?

Or that we're basically bad people

PCW:I think it's a combination of the two

We're different types of bad people, but we have similar taste

And we basically compensate for each other's shortcomings

Like how you don't understand human emotion

And how I enjoy making terrible decisions

Zachary: Ahhh, that makes sense.

I wouldn't say you enjoy it

But you're so good at it

Might as well do what you're good at

PCW: I was pretty much considering going pro during high school

Zachary: And you didn't. Classic.

PCW: The guy who's basically my best friend here is doing a fraternity pledge and can't do anything for a month, so that sucks a bit

Zachary: Is he cool?

Do... do you talk about hitler with him?

Zachary: So a friend of mine was selling krispy kreme donuts to support his club

And he guilted me into buying a dozen for seven bucks

PCW: Right.

Zachary: Except I also didn't have money or want them

PCW: I see.

Zachary: I bought something I didn't want with money I didn't have.

This must be what being stupid and poor feels like all the time.

PCW: Yep, it feels pretty much exactly like that.

Zachary: Every time I've gone to the dining hall in the last three days it has been closed.

PCW: Guess it's high time for a school shooting.

Zachary: No I think I'm alright

Zachary:I met this pretty hot british chick the other night

I feel that if I hooked up with a british chick, strange rumours about my accent would start showing up

People already don't believe I'm from LA

PCW: Probably, but maybe it would've been worth it if it was great

Zachary: No I mean like that's not a strong deterrent

But perhaps a consideration

What if she calls me out and thinks I'm making fun of her accent

Oh the miscommunications

It could be like an improbable sitcom plotpoint.

PCW: I mean Zach how badly do you want to have sex with this person

When I was typing I accidentally typed "Zach" instead of "sex"

Zachary: Common mistake

Zachary: I think I'm going to learn how to make all sorts of deserts this year

Fudge, cookies, brownies to start

Then like pastries and knotted cinnamon bread once I learn how to not suck

PCW: And then the world?

Zachary: Well we both know I am a very boring person.

PCW: Yeah I'm actually falling asleep while talking to you

Zachary: I am falling asleep being me

PCW: My roommate has an alarm clock which he helpfully sets for 5 AM

And even when he isn't here

For me to wake up to

He's very considerate

Zachary: Kill him.

Zachary: The next time someone says that misandry doesn't exist I'll ask them why they think women lack the free agency to hate men but men can be misogynistic

Unfortunately, I don't think I know anyone who cares about this enough to mention it to me

Once again my genius is wasted on reality.

PCW: I could tell you it doesn't exist if you want me to.

PCW:But I'm procrastinating right now

Hard at work

Zachary: Ahhh

I understand

PCW: Not doing my essay

Because it's not due for like two weeks

But I'm getting a head start on procrastinating on it

Zachary: So in like a week and a half

You don't need to procrastinate I see

You're getting good at this college thing

PCW: Yeah, it'll save me a lot of time later

Time with which I can drink and watch shitty cartoons in the rec room

PCW: My computer IS an iPhone

It doesn't work

Can't play TF2

Shitty computer

Zachary:Your old one?

Or your new good laptop

PCW: No, that genetically engineered iPhone we raised in the lab

Zachary: Oh, you mean Timbo

Yeah he's a fuckup

PCW: Never stops screaming

I keep him in the closet and feed him newspaper

the iMonster diet

Zachary: Not to be confused with the band iMonster

PCW: The iPhone computer has no iMonster songs on it. It does, however, have a 23-hour loop of the theme song for Beyblade, which it never stops playing.

Zachary: I mean

If it never stops playing the loop

how important is the actual size of the loop?

You could cut that loop down and free up tons of space for other unimportant things

PCW: I can't

Every time I go near it, it overclocks itself and heats up to the point that it causes third degree burns

Zachary: I'm am beginning to consider the possibility that maybe perhaps this was not the best of ideas

PCW: Someone pointed out to me a few years ago

That "The Final Solution" would be an awesome name for a band if it weren't for the whole Hitler thing

Zachary: I dunno, I'm not feeling it

If the whole hitler thing didn't happen

And there was a band called the SS who wore the nazi uniforms and their symbol was an eagle holding the swastika