the Fabulous Adventures of Adulthood

And I’m not blaming him. First thing he told me when I arrived back in November is that he is very AuDHD, and for the past weeks at least he has been fighting the healthcare system to get his oldest kid (teenager) an autoimmune illness diagnosis. All the while try to churn out expertise reports to keep up with numbers and deadlines. And about 14 projects. He is incredibly busy and probably very short on attention span.

The position it puts me in however is very unpleasant. My work depends on the engineers’ and the chemist’s work AND their feedback. On Monday last week, my boss confirmed that my 3rd day per week at the lab was approved and will start this week. Yay, right? Except it’s for a research project for which what is expected of me is still incredibly vague, so that has been stressing me out. And I haven’t been able to discuss it at all because it’s Lead Engineer’s project, I haven’t seen him in person since Thursday 2 weeks ago, and I’ve gotten 2 replies out of the 3 direct messages I sent him, but about 3 days later each.

And I’m trying very hard to remind myself of several things :

We are not saving lives.

While we contribute to cases handling boatloads of money, it’s this huge profitable company’s money. Mistakes and delays do not put anyone in dire financial trouble.

I am working with people. Human beings. Shit happens. It’s normal.

This whole lab thing is a huge WIP. It has changed and improve exponentially since I arrived and I know I’m a huge reason for it. I cannot be expected, nor *am* I expected, to be perfect.

It would take a HUGE, potentially ILLEGAL mistake for me to lose this opportunity due to my own actions. While not impossible, it is highly unlikely.

It is the unknown that makes me anxious, not even a potential lack of skills. For one, the reason I was tasked with this is because of my training, which none of the other people involved have. Also I’m smart. I can think my way through most challenges. Except anxiety apparently.

It probably didn’t help that up until half an hour ago I had not been outside of my building (barely even out of my apartment) in like. 3 days.

And then when I did, half an hour ago, to go take a train downtown for errands, I found my second mutant clover of the season, which had 6 leaves.

My weird talent for finding mutant clovers has been a reminder for over a decade that I have to make my own luck. That clover was just chilling 2 minutes from my apartment while I just stayed in and worried. When I finally made my way outside and took less than 60 seconds to look, there it was.

At least I’m making things out of it.