Jackie just stares at him, wide-eyed and unblinking, and somewhere amidst the alarm bells shrieking shrilly in his head, the Doctor wonders. Whether heâd intended to say anything or not, surely the confession canât be that big of a surprise. One doesnât willingly forego oneâs TARDIS and oneâs home universe of nearly a thousand years for the sake of someone theyâre merely fond of, after all. But Jackieâs piqued eyebrows and gaping mouth suggest that sheâs astonished to hear such a pronouncement coming from himâshocked, even.
(Why, why had that popped out? And why right now, of all times?)
Frantically, the Doctor searches for something else to say or doâsomething, anything to break the horrid silence thatâs fallen between themâbut his tongue is treacherous, solid and stupid and heavy and thick and trapping any words that might try to escape. But for all her usual capacity for ceaseless chatter, Jackie isnât offering anything either. Sheâs strangely quiet, too. The Doctor wonders whatâs passing through her mind right now, swimming hazily amongst the shock and alcohol.
He wishes, not for the first time, that things were all right between them. Heâs surprised by how strong that wish is.
Perhaps he should bridge the silence with an apology. But right now, he isnât even entirely certain what to apologize for. Probably start with the dinner lady comments; they were rather childish, if heâs being honest. But that isnât whatâs really bothering Jackie. It isnât why she keeps looking at him like something she stepped in, thatâs stuck stubbornly on the bottom of her shoe, or why she sometimes gives him those horrible pitying looks. Itâs because heâs lost, because he used to be a good man, because heâs broken.
And now his pitiful single heart is suddenly racing as all those snide references to the real Doctor start echoing again in the dark recesses of his thoughts, clamoring louder and louder all the while, fighting to be heard over everything he canât quite push away anymore, memories and nightmares and really, arenât they the same thing, anymore?
(What if it doesnât matter what he says? What if heâs already damaged things irreparably, what if Jackie has already made up her mind that he isnât really him? What if heâs already managed to alienate everyone without even trying? What if Jackie is disgusted at the thought of her wonderful daughter beloved by some pale imitation or cheap knockoff?Â
What if she really meant it, when she called him a monster?
âan embellished excerpt from Flight Into Hull!, because I couldnât stop wondering what the Doctor was thinking through all of this. I highly recommend giving it a listen!Â
also a huge thanks to @gingergallifreyan for forcing encouraging me to give these audios a listen and then fangirling and headcanoning with me afteward!!! <3
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