and watch how i talk

this is a new blog and i have approx zero followers but this is my space to vent and laugh and cry about my time as an jehovah’s witness and all the ways that it has impacted me into the adult i am today.

if you’re reading this, thank u for being interested in me and i hope you’ll consider following me and joining in on this journey of healing.

i’ve found sense of belonging in a group of friends i trust but i have to be honest with myself that i’m envious of those who have a large community like that.

it’s astonishing to think about how much we had to sacrifice to get all of this done.

i think about how many films we didn’t have time to watch, the board games that never got played, the cakes that never got made. the time that could have spent playing with school friends, making up imaginary stories. hell, even just the time that could’ve been spent doing homework or chores.

every time october comes around i tell my friends that i’m “not really a halloween person” and it seems to suffice. a handful of people know that the truth is that the ghosts and the skeletons and the demons and the angels and the graves put me immediately into fight or flight.

my heart races and my palms get sweaty. i start to think my heart is going to suddenly stop, that my lungs just don’t have enough air in them anymore. that the headache in the side of my temple is an aneurysm. i can’t relax and i have to go home.

i thought that after 13 years, i would be able to look at a fucking pumpkin or a decorative spiderweb and not panic. but the deep wound of fear-based obedience that is inflicted on a young child in a cult is not one that is easily cauterised.

i grew up fast. i was knocking on doors since i could speak, giving presentations in front of 600 people from age 10, engaging with literature well above my age level, having discussions with adults about what happens when we die since age 6.

but i grew up slow. i didn’t have a friend who showed me unconditional love until i went to high school, i didn’t know what my own body parts were called until i was well into puberty, i didnt know how to talk or connect to people my own age at all.