for such a composition of written information to be in his friend’s POSSESSION,
he would be more surprised if it was revealed that two flesh hands hadn’t flipped
through the pages to DRINK in whatever knowledge he could about the winter
soldier. about him. facts that are scrawled in pen or typed on these pages are
unbeknownst to him, but steve knows every little thing.
once or twice. once or TWICE the blond has braved what can only be horrors
between the front and back covers of this manila folder, yet bucky’s been
CONFINED to ignorance concerning his past. he’s incapable of determining
whether he should be angry for that or not. on the one hand, steve’s visage isn’t
lending anything that might lead him to believe that there are PLEASANT things
waiting for him on yellowed, wrinkled sheets. withholding this information could
certainly have been meant as a form of PROTECTION.
on the opposite digits, however, the former asset doesn’t see how hiding his
history from him, however NIGHTMARISH, does him any good or is supposed
to win the captain any favors. realizing just how much he’s LOST thanks to
invasive procedures and the intermittent drone of static at his temples ( not to
mention the PAIN that came with it ) had taken him a while, and he’s near
certain that he’s too DAMAGED to recover it. but knowing that there are
fragments preserved in a file about his inception is enough to make him want to
indulge, the cost probably being rather high. he might not recall things
empirically, but would at least be able to PIECE some things together. maybe
make a little more sense of his chaotic state of mind.
❛ no, i haven’t. not ——— not yet.
———— i wasn’t sure if i wanted to. ❜
spinning the cover back around to face himself, hues linger on the russian print,
considering his OPTIONS here. certainly, he could leave it be ( especially
when he sees steve’s expression, which is rather difficult to distinguish, but
bucky thinks it might be a little disturbed ) . but it’s ACCESSIBLE, in his hands,
his grasp, and honestly, he doesn’t want to let it go.
a defunct memory attempting to piece back together a past that didn’t exist
anymore, efforts in VAIN but dangerous all the same, was exactly why he’d been
wiped time and time again. that possibility doesn’t exist here, for every fraction of
his history to be torn away and for his mentality to be sent back to SQUARE
ONE. what he knows about himself is up to personal discretion, and though he
knows that what lies inside could lead to further REGRET, he deems his anguish
for the things he’s done as deserved. almost like personal punishment of sorts.
digits flip over the cover after glancing at the blond for a quick moment, and he
plans on reading this in its E N T I R E T Y, even with a pounding heart and
anticipation for irreparable blame.
the dig of plastic to a rough palm feels insistent, a distant reminder of the dairy steve's all but forgotten. the act of putting it away was slid to a back burner once he'd crossed into a state of confrontation. only this, the stiff air between the two of them, couldn't really be contained with that one word. it was less, but it felt like more, and it was steve's every dread. the pace of his heart could be felt clearly not only against his ribs but within the fingers hardly fighting the strain of a grocery bag, bold and with a false sense of measurement bucky would surely recognize if he were aware of it.
that consideration alone trips another in the blond's mind that has his feet carrying him elsewhere, anywhere that will replace bucky from his immediate line of sight. two steps later and he's centimeters from knocking knees with a coffee table, the other scarce in his peripheral vision. the thought of him not being aware of as much as he used to sets a new weight in steve as the one in his hand is lost, settled to wood that takes it without a creak of protest.
bucky's aware, of a load of things half the world wouldn't recognize. of tactics, weaponry, and, unsuprisingly, the art of assissination, to name a few. but himself? that's one thing that takes a little more thought to add to the list than steve would care for. a little more than he'd prefer was necessary. but he's bucky, always has been. not a doubt in steve's mind could convince him that the file currently tampering with what normalcy they've built could explain that to him. it's scribed with ' the winter soldier ' for a reason.
❛ what if you don't like what you find out? ❜
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
jbbartram-illu
germansingergirl
