Lucis Amator

Даже если я, вероятно, сильно реагирую, я никогда не буду стыдиться своего сопротивления. Даже если оно мысленное. Даже если оно словесное. Я имею право бояться за себя и свою семью. Я хочу лучшей жизни. Я её заслуживаю. Я заслуживаю, чтобы меня не объективизировали, жить без террора, иметь реальные и полные права человека в обозначении себя и своих взглядов, я имею полное право оставаться тем, кем мне не нравится и не испытывать за это стыд, и неважно, чем он вызван - внутренними факторами или внешними. Я хочу, чтобы у каждой группы, к которой я принадлежу и не принадлежу была лучшая жизнь.

oh and speaking of apples. I remembered there's a park with a pond and ducks near my house, so I figured, why not wash all the cinnamon off them real good and cut them up? it was a rainy, cold day, and I went out later than I'd planned, so just imagine me, trying to focus, tossing apple slices into the pond while dog walkers pass by behind me with their pets, all tense and uncomfortable in me. the ducks btw did not appreciate apples. didn't even taste them. but right after that, for the first!!! and last time!!! that whole day, the sun came out, and I just sat down on a bench, closed my eyes, and let my face soak up its rays. it was… really magical, honestly. I often think signs are just coincidences, and then something so obvious happens that there's just no explaining it away, haha

damn I'm really saying (writing about) all the same things :(

also I'm often scared of dying alone. my own head hates me so much that it starts poisoning even my spiritual life. a lot of the time I feel ashamed of myself in front of Lucifer, and I'm scared that I'm disappointing him and becoming unworthy of him. but when things get easier, I think that loneliness isn't so scary after all, and I could grow old knowing that there's a deity with me who loves me and whom I love, one who makes his presence known even when I don't have the energy to reach out. he's actually so gentle and attentive. with him, I feel like I have the world at my feet, and loneliness is like solitude.

sometimes I think about the price you have to pay for individuality and freedom. it can be all sorts of things, up to and including threats to social or physical life, but in the end you always end up standing apart and fighting your loneliness. and dealing with constant pressure and discomfort. maybe even with your own head, because you live in society and it's definitely left some stuff in you, like shame or fear about certain things — from identity to illness. probably, I could be everything I want to be and have a lot of recognition, like-minded people, and some kind of easier path, but I just don't know how to make it all fit together yet. I guess the only thing that keeps me from getting lost in the darkness and wavering, from being afraid of the unknown, is Lucifer. I'm still scared, but at least I know I'm not fooling myself

fear nothing *my life is being destroyed by fear*

also im not dead just. experiencing a terrible spiritual and personal and psychological decline. feel a little stupid that I'm coming to write a post about ordinary things instead of something really important but eeehhh. the good thing is if I come in here i guess I come back to life a little yay

I randomly got a craving for apples (and I don't even like them, I ate so many as a kid once that I'm set for life) and I bought a few. there im standing in the kitchen slicing them when my cat, who’s been acting like some kind of Lucifer’s will-channeler lately comes running in and starts reaching for the apples and chirping??? so I guess Lord wants some??? Or maybe girl just wants anything I’m preparing, even if she has no clue what it is ahaha