we truly did learn nothing

On this last BFSN/BFGD... I feel like Clarke talking on the radio for yet another time, with no one on the other side. As we all collectively were betrayed and mislead with no feedback, no sense or explanation... once we yell it all out, it eventually gives us sanity. Sooner or later.

How different was this day in my head just a month ago. How different emotions I expected to feel. Hands trembling, heart racing, tears falling, happy screams? Now there is more of a new beginning, rather than the actual end.

I feel like it’s time to truly let go. Not with hate, anger, sadness. To let go of all those bad things that were done to us. I couldn’t just leave my whole community behind after three years. I couldn’t just let Jason take that from me, too.

So I will be watching live, but on a stream that doesn’t give JRoth any actual rates. I have to let go in the right way. To close it properly.

I’m grateful for all the lessons the 100 still managed to give me. How realistic was Jasper’s death. How serious is mental health and what can be done to the entire human race in a flash. How there is hope in not fighting. How good can be getting off the battlefield. How much we can “do better”. How cruel can the world become, yet still there is a way out. For all of us.

I’m grateful for bellarke itself. We knew the story. We knew it better than Jason, as it turns out, haha! I’m grateful for the lesson of love, devotion, partnership, togetherness, soulmateship, friendship, and the unforgettable, unrepeatable lesson of the heart and the head. That’s what I will have in my head AND heart, whenever I’ll think of them.

I’m grateful for each and every blarke wine club a.k.a bwc. That made a lot of my relationships here and led me to the discord I’m obsessed with till this day. Thank you loves. Thanks to Alycia and Jess for making it out of nowhere!

As the journey and all the speculations end, I’m giving a hand to all clexas, bechos and flarkes, literally part of the fandom in a peace gesture. We were done dirty, but we’re more than a show. More than just shippers. There is no more need to spread mutual hate. There never was.

What if fighting is all we are?

Our fight is over.

And what then?

What’s on the other side?

There is fandom waiting for us at any time or place. There is talent among all the writers and creators that surrounds us whenever we’re down. There is empathy and understanding of the pain that was equally done to all of us. There is another day. Another dawn. Another way to get better, one day living in peace with what happened.

There is another fandom. There is another book. Another story. Another side.

And we survived, after all.

With that all said, may we meet again, because we will.

But I also can’t leave without sharing my feelings, my fear, sadness, anxiety, confusion, numbness, loss, regret, love, and gratefulness.

When the last two minutes of that episode took place, I sat there, speechless. I closed my laptop. I started to read what others saw as well. Then I threw it all away, busting into tears.

Actual waterfalls of tears.

Last days I’ve spent anxious and truly in my all time low, and Bellamy’s death was the last hit that took down my walls. A painful one.

I rarely get this attached to fiction. The 100 was the show I could escape to, let myself fall into, theorise about and share with others. I remember all the scenes and plots and relations it should physically hurt my brain. Bellarke was the only ship I fell for this much, and saw all along, between the lines and right on screen. Now, that peace and hope was bruttaly taken away.

I felt anxiety and depression spiking as never before. Because things I don’t understand make me anxious. Things that happen out of the blue make me anxious. Things I can’t change make me anxious. That was Clarke killing Bellamy.

When I finally fell asleep and woke up today, I couldn’t hide the way I feel no matter what. My sister kept asking, and I threw her off, saying it’s me not sleeping well and a backpain (I have a backpain but not that strong or tiring.) It all got worse when Bob confirmed Bellamy’s death, saying his goodbye.

How angry I was for not making any sense of what happened. I can’t look at the gifsets, or even scroll through tumblr overall. Jason and his crew did something unforgivable and I’m sure the consequences will get them hard.

I started regretting all this time I spent hoping that the story leads somewhere. That the story ends how it should. That other ships were only the obstacles. Hell, they could both die but as long as it was bittersweet and made an impact on the story, I would deal with it. Eventually.

Now, I feel numb. Wiped out. Unplugged. Just like a lot of us. Stuck between understand, let go, and move on. How does one overcomes such a bad writing, leading to the pointless, ruthless death? How does one lets go of a seven season long story, four years in, just to end up disappointed, hurt and distrustful of any other fiction in the future?

Luckily, I ended up in the best fandom group possible. I joined tumblr, full of beautiful souls minds and artists, and I joined the incredible discord with incredible people as well.

I lost my hope for the show and it’s message. But I hope to move on, right beside other people, equally broken, that I loved the second I met them.