Untitled

#1:

Peter: Why is there a sticky note on the coffee machine that says “DO NOT LET THOR TOUCH”?

Tony: Learned behavior.

Thor, from across the room: THE MACHINE FEARS MY STRENGTH.

Peter: ... okay??

#2:

Peter: Mr. Stark, hypothetically, how mad would you be if something exploded?

Tony: Scale of one to ten?

Peter: ...define “ten.”

Tony: Manhattan.

Peter: ...six?

Tony teaching Peter how to drive in an empty Stark Industries parking garage and immediately regretting it when Peter starts narrating like he’s in Fast & Furious.

Peter falling asleep in the workshop and Tony quietly turning down the music, throwing a blanket over him, and pretending he absolutely did not do that when Peter wakes up.

Tony buying Peter absurdly expensive gadgets “for field testing” when really he just saw something the kid would like.

Peter casually texting Tony pictures of broken appliances with captions like “can we save him” and Tony always responding like it’s a medical emergency.

Building dumb stuff together that has no purpose whatsoever because “science should be fun sometimes.” (Most of these projects accidentally explode.)

Movie nights where Tony insists he’s “too busy” and then somehow ends up sitting through three Spider-Man documentaries criticizing all the scientific inaccuracies.

Tony instinctively checking if Peter’s eaten after missions because enhanced metabolism + teenage boy is a horrifying combination.

Peter getting sick and Tony hovering so aggressively that even FRIDAY tells him to calm down. Arguing over music in the lab. Peter thinks Tony’s playlists are old.

Tony pretending to hate school meetings while still showing up to every single one.

Peter sitting on the counter in Tony’s kitchen at 2AM while Tony stress-builds something and both of them talking about everything and nothing. T

ony teaching Peter how to tie a tie for fancy events while acting like it’s an extremely classified Stark Industries procedure.

Peter making fun of Tony’s dramatic press conference voice and then accidentally starting to do it himself.

Both of them saying “don’t tell May” before doing something objectively terrible.

Tony adding extra heating to Peter’s suit because “the kid never remembers a jacket.”

Peter being the only person who can convince Tony to take breaks without starting an argument.

Tony’s trying to stop a collapsing bridge while coordinating three different teams at once.

Tony: FRIDAY, deploy stabilization sequence.

FRIDAY: Launching protocol “THIS SEEMS BAD.”

Tony: You think?!

Sam, laughing comms: Peter named that one, didn’t he.

Peter: LOOK I was under pressure.

Tony: YOU weren’t the one HOLDING THE BRIDGE.

FRIDAY: Additional note attached by user Peter Parker: “good luck :(”

Tony:

Rhodey visits the lab.

Rhodey: FRIDAY, bring up combat protocol Delta-6.

FRIDAY: Opening “If This Fails We’re All Going To Look Stupid.”

Rhodey:

Rhodey: Tony.

Tony, committed to the bit: I don’t know what to tell you, the system names itself sometimes.

Peter quietly turning red trying not to laugh in the corner.

Tony: FRIDAY, initiate Protocol 17.

FRIDAY: Deploying protocol “Please God Not Again.”

Steve: …I’m sorry?

Peter: Oh that one’s for when the tower loses power.

Steve: Why is it called that.

Tony: because last time the elevators stopped working and Clint got stuck between floors for three hours.

Tony walks into the lab at 2AM to alarms going off everywhere.

FRIDAY: Activating emergency response protocol “UH OH MR. STARK.”

Tony: …why is that the name.

Peter, not looking up from his project: because “catastrophic reactor instability” felt too negative.

Tony: Kid, this is a serious protocol.

FRIDAY: Would you like me to restore the previous title?

Peter: no no keep this one. it builds morale.

Peter: Wow, no need to point that out

FRIDAY: I am simply stating facts.

Peter: aggressively though.

Bruce: Peter maybe its time to take a break...

Peter, pointing at the screen: This interface is judging me.

FRIDAY: Because you labeled a file “final_v2_REAL_final.”

Peter: Okay, but this one actually IS the final version.

Example #1:

Peter: Dummy, no, give me the wrench, not the screwdriver.

Steve: You named the robot arm?

Peter: …No?

Dummy immediately sprays Steve with fire extinguisher foam.

Example #2:

Peter starts gesturing dramatically during explanations.

Peter: So if we reroute the power through here-

accidentally knocks over three tools

Peter: ... that was part of the visual aid.

Tony: Perfect recovery. No notes.

Example #3:

May walks into the lab and finds both of them laying on the floor staring at the ceiling.

May: Are you two okay?

Tony: Thinking.

Peter: Innovating.

May: There’s smoke coming out of that machine.

Tony: Progress always looks scary at first.

Peter: Edison got bullied too.

May walks into the kitchen at 7 AM and finds Peter drinking coffee straight black while staring at the toaster like it personally betrayed him.

May: Honey, you’re sixteen.

Peter: and yet the bagel remains untoasted.

May: Why are you talking like that.

Teacher: Peter, where is your homework?

Peter: technically? completed.

Teacher: Peter.

Peter: spiritually? between us.

Teacher: give me the assignment.

Peter: wow. a hostile work environment.

Teacher: this is a high school.

He started saying things like “I can fix that in twenty minutes” before immediately causing three additional problems.

Then one day Bruce walked into the lab and found Peter arguing with an FIRDAY while wearing safety goggles he absolutely did not need.

Bruce: Peter, why are you talking to the ?

Peter: Because she started it.

FRIDAY: For the record, I merely suggested the user read the instructions.

Peter: See? Attitude.

Tony, without looking up from his project: He’s learning.

Doctor: His reflexes are… concerning.

Tony: concerning how.

Doctor: I dropped a pen and he caught it before I did.

Peter: that’s normal.

Doctor: ...

Doctor: Also his metabolism is absurd. How much does he eat in a day?

Tony: Don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared for.

Peter: Mr. Stark bought six boxes of pop tarts yesterday.

Tony: correction: you ate six boxes of pop tarts yesterday.

Peter: in my defense I got thrown through a billboard.

Doctor: excuse me?

Meanwhile, Peter’s just unconscious because he was holding a ferry together with webs until 4AM.

Teacher: We’re concerned he may not be getting enough sleep at home.

Tony, staring at Peter: …Kid, are you sneaking out?

Peter: technically I’m swinging out.

Tony: Peter.

Peter: In my defense the Staten Island Ferry was literally falling apart.

Tony: dangerous way to start a conversation, but continue.

Peter: if I got arrested would you bail me out?

Tony: depends.

Peter: ON WHAT?

Tony: was it funny?

Peter: MR. STARK.

Tony: was. it. funny?

Peter: ...a little?

Tony: then absolutely.

Pepper (across the room): Absolutely not.