Mental outlet

I believe I have the right to walk around in my apartment in my underpants with the blinds open! It’s not like I’m naked!!!!!!!

Matt: Here you are walking around in the kitchen with your ass hanging out. (closes the blinds)

Me: Don’t close that! I can do what I want.

Matt: no you can’t if someone see you!

Me: So what they shouldn't be looking in my window . If I look in someone window and they are in their underpants then that's my fault. no one ever is though when I do.

I get it i’m fat no one wants to see that. hell I don’t either, BUT!!! I am comfy and Its my apartment.

Getting up from my computer next to the sliding glass door that faces the back of a shopping center.

Matt makes a face.

In 2017 my husbands favorite band lost their front man to suicide. I have never had anyone in my life die from drugs,or suicide. I have never really known anyone with these issues bad enough for me to learn anything about them. I was very ignorant to it.

“Let them die.”

“Who cares, I don’t”

“If they want to die, Why not let them?”

“ How selfish of them to do that to their family.”

Yeah I know!  These are things that I said and thought for a long time.

I did not understand nor did I care to. It did not effect me.When I saw how heart broken my husband was about the band he loved it kind of hit me.

At that same time I saw a funny video on facebook. A women named Tiffany made funny videos about taking her kids to school and just being a mom. I watched more and more of her videos and realized that I really enjoyed this women and was interested in listening to everything she had to say. When I found out that she was a recovering addict, for a day I stopped watching her. But I just couldn't get enough. Why? Why was I so set on not giving this women a chance just because she was once an addict. That seemed so stupid to me. So that's what I did. I started watching everything she put out. I started watching her video while she was live and also when I would miss them I would go back and watch them later. Hours worth of her just talking about her life, answering people questions about her addiction and recovery and her mental illnesses. She felt like a friend. She taught me to meet addiction, mental illness, and suicide with compassion, understanding, and patience. Instead of hatred, confusion, and anger. I have learned so much from her. even when I did not think I wanted to learn it at all. It feels good knowing That if I ever need it I have the tools to help someone through what ever might come their way.

I read her first book I can say I could not put it down. I can not wait to read her next one. 

High achiever-Tiffany Jankins

https://jugglingthejenkins.com/

I am embarrassed to think that I ever felt different about this then I do now. What a horrible person I was.

When your a kid Every princess can find their happy ending, Peter Pan can fly, and there is a magical world that Alice goes to where everything is how you would want it to be. WE BELIEVE EVERYTHING!.

“If your bad that policeman will take you away from me”- Preying on my attachment to my mother while we are in the mall pointing to the security guard walking past us. So We are good little kids.

“If you put that bag on your head you will disappear and never see mommy ever again”- again preying on my attachment to her. trying to keep me from dying without actually saying you will die! not to bad of a lie to keep me out of harms way. But I took it as a magic trick. not a death warrant.

“ You have to go to the doctor, but don’t worry your not getting a shot!”Spoiler alert I always ended up getting a shot. This is the reason my blood pressure is so high when I go to the doctor as an adult. Its always fine before I end up leaving. I know this because They make me get it checked again before they let me leave to make sure I am ok. Its always fine at the end PTSD?

Then you have the ones I assume other children have heard.

“If you sit to close to the tv you will go blind”

“If you make that face long enough it will stay that way”

“If you swallow your chewing gum your butt hole will stick together”- Ok maybe that one was just my mother.

“Don’t worry it will stop hurting by the time you get married!”

Nothing feels better then a new shaver blade to start a shower. Even after having to lift up my stomach pooch to see my lady bits area in order to give it a proper topiary trim.

I hate taking a shower. I don’t love being dirty. I enjoy the sensation of that first hour where your skin is soft and smooth. I hate taking a shower because after turning 30, being placed on some ( may cause weight gain) medication and having my second child after 16 years I have gained a bit of weight. Don’t get me wrong I have always been bigger but I was happy with that. I am not happy with it now. I hate my body. Having to shower makes me so sad. not to mention because of the medication and weight gain I see a lot more hair in the drain. Its a struggle to even want to shower. I set it in my mind that I am going to do it but if anything distracts me then I just give up and don’t shower. Most of the time I am just to tired. But I’ll save that for my next post.

So to recap I can’t see the bush I have to tame, I’m fat-er then I was 4 years ago and my hair is falling out...... I think that about covers it for now.